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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Wait2see2 · 03/03/2023 20:48

I can understand it as it's a once in a lifetime opportunity could you look at the possibility of him coming at the end of the trip? I went on training for a week once where some European colleagues came over and one of them brought her boyfriend who came down from the room when we had coffee breaks and joined our evening meal. It was really awkward and annoying.

Tigp · 03/03/2023 20:49

3 weeks is a long time to entertain yourself all day and most nights. Maybe the last week and then have a holiday after for a week together? I don’t really see an issue with that, assuming you don’t have kids.

PeekAtYou · 03/03/2023 20:50

I've tagged along on work trips but I was entertaining myself every day which was fine. We spent Saturday and Sunday together

echt · 03/03/2023 20:56

My late DH did three weeks' training in NZ and it was very plain that OHs could not be part of this (I didn't want to). When the training was over, DD and I came over for a week. This involved renting new accommodation so there could be no suggestion of a freebie.

I would guess that having DH staying in your room would be not OK at all from the employer's POV.

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 20:58

If it was just you it would be ok for him to join you as long as he was happy entertaining himself. But absolute no travelling with 5 other colleagues.

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 21:00

And another thing.. on my work trips socialising during the week at night is generally expected. Your dh absolutely would not be welcome there. either. Is he honestly suggesting he'd be happy to spend all day alone and then eat alone each night as well.

MichelleScarn · 03/03/2023 21:00

Would he be expecting to have dinner just you and him every night or joining your colleagues? It would I think make it weird and awkward for them?

XanaduKira · 03/03/2023 21:01

ThePoshUns · 03/03/2023 20:37

It's probably not appropriate, however I would love to go to Japan and if my husband was going there on a business trip I would be trying to wheedle my way into going as well.

I thought the same. I'd happily let him work all day whilst I did sight seeing!

UdoU · 03/03/2023 21:01

YANBU. You’ll be too busy worrying about him to enjoy yourself.

Would he want you to come if situations were reversed? I doubt it.

Cascais · 03/03/2023 21:02

No

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2023 21:03

I can't blame him for thinking it would be fun to come along. I'd probably try that one on if my DP went to Japan for three weeks. But not speaking to you because you've said no is ridiculous and concerning.

He should know it's primarily work and not a holiday for you, least of all for him. Why do you think he's pissed off with you?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 03/03/2023 21:04

I would definitely want to go ( I would go) why not Japan is an amazing place to go to. You are only paid for so many hours aday you don't have to hang with your colleagues in the evening. I was working in Hong Kong and my oh came with me. Same with me going to KSa when he was there. It's perks of the job.

TimeForMeToF1y · 03/03/2023 21:05

UdoU · 03/03/2023 21:01

YANBU. You’ll be too busy worrying about him to enjoy yourself.

Would he want you to come if situations were reversed? I doubt it.

Why would she be worrying about him? It's a work trip, she's not going for enjoyment

Not enough info in the OP to say who if either is being unreasonable

Addymontgomeryfan · 03/03/2023 21:06

It depends if your company allow this and if it's usual for partners to tag along. Some companies are ok with it, possibly not for the full 3 weeks though. My OH spent a similar amount of time working in Florida a few years ago and as it was school holidays we flew out for 10 days. and entertained ourselves during the time he was working.

It was absolutely fine for us to do this as he wasn't expected to socialise with colleagues outside of work hours and was staying in an apartment there not a hotel.

HamBone · 03/03/2023 21:06

I’d suggest he comes over during the final week and then you take a week-10 days’ holiday at the end to go sightseeing. Why wouldn’t you want to explore the country together?

Whiteroomjoy · 03/03/2023 21:08

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

I’ve worked in Japan.
It’s not just the 8-8 in the office. It’ll be evening as well…they still do shop talk over dinner etc, and hosting is very important to them.

it’ll make things very complicated for your Japanese hosts if they know your husband is with you. They’ll feel obliged to include or acknowledge so as not to “shame” you by ignoring him. I think also if they do meet with him, it’ll set you back in terms of your professional relationship- sorry to say but misogynistic views are still pretty mainstream in Japan

tell your husband that if he wants to use joint money to go for a holiday in Japan you want that holiday too. So you save and go together at another time. Otherwise he gets a holiday and you don’t and then he’s short on leave for rest of year and you get dumped on.

if you operate on seperate income, then just tell him to do what the fuck he wants, but he’s not staying in same hotel, and you’ll not be seeing him as too busy.

aside from that, the whole thing is a pain for company expenses. You’ll potentially be sharing a room- does he think he gets that free? I suspect your company won’t be too impressed by them paying towards someone else’s holiday.

Emptycrackedcup · 03/03/2023 21:08

YANBU. You'll probably bring tired from working all day, plus it's good team bonding. Given no one else's partners are coming it would just be weird.

Magenta83 · 03/03/2023 21:09

I work for a Japanese company as well. Before the pandemic I would go to Japan once a year. My DH starting coming with me. I wasn't sure but I had seen two other manager's bring their spouses. The hotel we stay at is room only rather than per person. We would then tag on another week of holiday before we had our son. With our company plus the Japanese culture they are full work days for me with business dinners each evening. My DH loves Japan and is happy to entertain himself. We usually have breakfast together and he walks with me to the office and goes off to explore.

I think as long as he understands that you won't be available and you can afford it then it could work. Three weeks sounds too long though. Maybe he could join you for the last week or so. It depends on the company culture as well.

BlueThursday · 03/03/2023 21:09

I joined DH once to Singapore. He was at conferences for 5 days but free in the evenings then we checked out of the work paid hotel and stayed elsewhere for another 5 that we paid for. We paid for my flights and his work were kind enough to have his return flight 5 days after work time.

I highly doubt I’ll ever visit there again so it really was a once in a lifetime event. Id probably see Japan as the same

Emptycrackedcup · 03/03/2023 21:11

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 20:48

Suggest he comes out at the end and you take a few days leave to do stuff together.

Perhaps this could work, although it still seems inappropriate if you are there for work and it makes it awkward for everyone else. I can see why he's jealous because I would be too, but he should also grow up

Circumferences · 03/03/2023 21:13

My Sil has one of those jobs that involves travelling, my brother often tags along on her trips and she loves it, she works approx 8-8 on these trips too.
You're not being unreasonable to feel the way you feel though.

spidereggs · 03/03/2023 21:13

Hmm, three weeks is a lot of his leave?

Out of those 21 days how many are 8-8?

What's the resistance on your part?

I've done conferences and court report trips with DH having time out. He's a tenant farmer and gets like one week holiday a year.

So if I had that opportunity and it was ok with work and he wanted to come, great.

But that would never have been a realistic option for him.

Woopzies · 03/03/2023 21:14

Honestly if I were him I'd want to leave you I'm afraid.

spidereggs · 03/03/2023 21:15

And my brother works alot between Scotland and South Korea, japan, and he would hate it

Because it's never just 8-8.

WinterDeWinter · 03/03/2023 21:15

I think the real issue is that he’s not speaking to you over it.