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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Justanotherlurker · 03/03/2023 22:37

I can see where you are coming from, but I have been to Japan many times and it won't be considered unprofessional at all, if he is like my husband he is probably just hoping for a cheaper holiday as it will only be one flight and accommodation.

My husband has tagged onto flights to see the world and early on in my career he got to visit Fukuoka, Nagoya, Sapporo along with the big 'known' cities such as Osaka and Tokyo and it had no impact on my career or for the others who's wives also tagged along.

Wanting to tag onto the company funded scheme, no chance, wanting to experience it slightly cheaper then no, in my 20 year career I have never heard of wives or husbands tagging along and sharing a hotel whilst as being in any way a hindrance to their future career.

The one thing that most partners do realise is that it is work, and Japan has a very strict work ethic, but they won't generally think worse of you in the slightest, the UK based HR department may do though.

CremeEggQueen · 03/03/2023 22:38

Of course you're not being unreasonable, it's a work trip!
I'd be like ooh, wish I could come! as always wanted to visit Japan but come off it, I'd hope I'd know to step back from a work trip!
Reminds me of Friends where Ross is all I wanna come to Rachel's work seminar thing then falls asleep and starts making dickhead jokes about Jurassic Parkas 🙄😁
He's being a knob for sulking, YADNBU

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/03/2023 22:39

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2023 22:30

But the others are leaving their partners at home. So just one going would be weird - and really embarrassing. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Show quote history

This! This is the work equivalent of a girl's night out and one person bringing their husband along. It changes the entire night and whilst people may pretend it's fine to the person's face, they're usually very pissed off.

CleverKnot · 03/03/2023 22:41

um, is extremely common in my 'industry' (academia) for spouses to tag along.

working 12 hours a day for 19/21 days ? Don't you need another holiday after that!?

Xol · 03/03/2023 22:43

I can't see any real reason why he shouldn't go, if it's feasible and he's happy to amuse himself while you're working. If he's just started a new job I assume he can't take the whole three weeks anyway?

As for being weird or different, I suspect you may well find some at least of your colleagues follow suit when they realise that taking a partner is OK.

Xol · 03/03/2023 22:44

What not have him come towards the end, then take a bit of holiday yourself so you can both stay for a few days longer and do holiday things? After three weeks of that level of work you'll have earned ut,

QuitsAmidCrisis · 03/03/2023 22:45

When I read your OP, I thought ugh. Jealous needy partners are such a turn-off. He would be an irritating distraction.

After reading your update that he is jealous of your job and doesn’t trust you, the ugh increased tenfold.

My husband would just say, lucky you and wish me the best and say he would miss me. Not act like a jealous sulky fool. Don’t take your husband.

grumpycow1 · 03/03/2023 22:45

WTF!! You are definitely not being unreasonable. I’ve travelled a lot for work. My DH has never come with me. It’s not a jolly - boils my piss that this is what people think work travel is like. Does he stop speaking to you a lot? Can honestly say my DH has never stopped speaking to me about anything. We argue yes but he doesn’t act like a toddler about it.

Xol · 03/03/2023 22:45
  • Why not, not what not.
theoldhasgone · 03/03/2023 22:45

I accompanied my husband on a work trip once and it was a mistake. I wouldn't do it again. He needed to be in work mode the whole time, and found my presence stressful and distracting. I felt a bit annoyed that he wasn't more pleased I was there.

grumpycow1 · 03/03/2023 22:45

QuitsAmidCrisis · 03/03/2023 22:45

When I read your OP, I thought ugh. Jealous needy partners are such a turn-off. He would be an irritating distraction.

After reading your update that he is jealous of your job and doesn’t trust you, the ugh increased tenfold.

My husband would just say, lucky you and wish me the best and say he would miss me. Not act like a jealous sulky fool. Don’t take your husband.

I’d go further and say not only don’t take him, but why are you even with the creep

TrainedByCats · 03/03/2023 22:47

No your trip will be full on and you will be expected to socialise with colleagues a partner being there will disrupt the dynamics. You could consider seeing if you can take a weeks holiday at the end and he join you a few days before you finish to acclimatise but only if you want that.

KimberleyClark · 03/03/2023 22:49

um, is extremely common in my 'industry' (academia) for spouses to tag along.

yes, DH is an academic.

whynotwhatknot · 03/03/2023 22:49

no because hes doing it as he doesnt trust you and jealous not because he wants to go on holiday

CremeEggQueen · 03/03/2023 22:49

grumpycow1 · 03/03/2023 22:45

I’d go further and say not only don’t take him, but why are you even with the creep

Show quote history

Creep? Ok I'm on the side of no don't take him but nothing shouts creep, there's always one lol

SunshineLoving · 03/03/2023 22:50

I don't think he should be coming. You are working very long hours and will be consumed by work. You'll need to be able to concentrate.

I think you have bigger issues than the work trip. If he doesn't trust you, you need to be reconsidering your relationship.

Codlingmoths · 03/03/2023 22:51

Nope. It’s a solo holiday for him where he saves … a hotel cost and that’s it. I’d want a great destination like Japan to be a holiday together but you’re working and need to focus and don’t need to be jealous of him holidaying and he would be holidaying alone and getting zero attention from you which would be hard to be truly ok with. This is work, if japan is that high on the holiday list plan a holiday. Another time. I would have zero spare energy or time for my husband on a trip like that. I’d want some time on my own in the evenings to decompress and do some more work, no time to switch to romantic partner mode.

Ketchupwee · 03/03/2023 22:52

motherofqilins · 03/03/2023 22:34

@Ketchupwee as long as he is happy enough to go off by himself he won't be. Turst me there is so much to do one would struggle to fit it in 3 weeks lol

He might not be, but it isn't all about him. I would never want my DH there during a work trip, because I wouldn't want to feel torn if I knew he was on his own, and we (my colleague or I) ended up working late or or it was suggested that we go to dinner. I find that in this instance work and pleasure don't mix, and it just puts the person in the middle under enormous pressure

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 22:55

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

If the only reasons he wants to accompany you are that he doesn't trust you and is jealous of your job, then you have way bigger issues than whether he goes to Japan with you.

Justanotherlurker · 03/03/2023 22:59

CleverKnot · 03/03/2023 22:41

um, is extremely common in my 'industry' (academia) for spouses to tag along.

working 12 hours a day for 19/21 days ? Don't you need another holiday after that!?

It's very common in tech as well, I have seen it the other way around as well with Japanese coming to visit us in the UK.

It is in no way unprofessional for the spouse to tag along, what would be considered unprofessional would be for the spouse to be expecting to just join in the Nomikai, although a couple of drinks in it really isn't a problem and suddenly a lot of family turn up.

Bs0u416d · 03/03/2023 23:03

I'd certainly take my DP if I was going and they wanted to come.

gwrachod · 03/03/2023 23:04

I was going to say absolutely not, and that was before I read that you suspect he's jealous of your job and doesn't trust you.

Now I'm saying no fucking way!

What will happen if your colleagues want to go out together one night, all together? Will he stay home so you can do your own thing, in work mode?

Or will he tag along and make everyone feel uncomfortable, most of all you.

Or will he make it so difficult for you, you decline the invite because you can't deal with his nonsense?

If a female colleague brought a partner in this circumstance, I'd be really worried she was in a coercive - or just plain shit - relationship.

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2023 23:04

It’d be very weird for him to tag along like an odd appendage: your colleagues would be wondering what the heck he was doing there and it severely limits your evening activities re networking. You’d feel obliged to spend time with him when not working while your colleagues would be meeting for dinner, hosts might want to offer dinner etc. Just no. Not speaking to you because you don’t want him on a work trip is extremely childish.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 03/03/2023 23:06

Considering you say he resents your job and is already in a sulk with you how will it be in Japan if he gets pissed off that you’re at a business dinner in the evenings and he’s left alone? Will he sulk and cause an atmosphere? Given his current behaviour I wouldn’t risk it tbh. You don’t need any distractions while on a pressurised work trip. I wouldn’t trust him to behave.

Sshiamreading · 03/03/2023 23:06

I could tell he was jealous even before your update. If he was in your shoes with a high flying career he probably spoken to even contemplate letting you come along. Sounds like he’s trying to drag you down. You’ll be exhausted on your day off and you’ll barely see one another during the week so far from a shared experience
.

OP, you said he wasn’t working for years - was it due to health reasons or was he made redundant? I’m just wondering if he was festering watching your rise high in Your career all these years while he was unwell

as others have said can you not book an extra week at the hotel and he can come then and you both have an actual proper holiday?