Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
TeaserandtheFirecat · 03/03/2023 21:17

So he's sulking now. Not the right way to get you onboard is it

StClare101 · 03/03/2023 21:17

Woopzies · 03/03/2023 21:14

Honestly if I were him I'd want to leave you I'm afraid.

Why?

OP does your company travel policy even allow for extras in your room, sharing cabs with you etc? The Japanese culture is very different. You’ll be out all the time and never actually see your DH. Won’t your colleagues think it’s weird?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/03/2023 21:18

What a tagnut.

This trip is for your career development, not his jolly.

It's clear he has no respect for your job and the work you will be engaging in.

Brefugee · 03/03/2023 21:19

nope. It sounds as though you are going to be busy, and if it's anything like my trips to Asia for work, when you're not actually "workig" you're networking and building up relationships and so on. You can't have someone hanging around getting in the way and possibly guilt-tripping you into either taking them to events or missing events so you can entertain them.

drpet49 · 03/03/2023 21:20

ThePoshUns · 03/03/2023 20:37

It's probably not appropriate, however I would love to go to Japan and if my husband was going there on a business trip I would be trying to wheedle my way into going as well.

Me too

Honeyroar · 03/03/2023 21:21

HamBone · 03/03/2023 21:06

I’d suggest he comes over during the final week and then you take a week-10 days’ holiday at the end to go sightseeing. Why wouldn’t you want to explore the country together?

Yes I agree. I’d suggest this too. He’d be left out and bored if he came while you were working, but equally it’s such an amazing opportunity to see a far away country.

Justalittlebitduckling · 03/03/2023 21:21

Could you extend your trip and he fly out to meet you?

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/03/2023 21:21

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 20:41

I mean, personally I can't see the harm in him coming as long as he doesn't complain you're working all day and socialising and networking in the evenings.

I'd do anything to go to Japan though so I might be bias Grin

Yeah this. You can see him at weekends -

Eyerollcentral · 03/03/2023 21:21

Inappropriate and unprofessional. It’s a no. Tell him to stop acting like a bloody child.

LadyLapsang · 03/03/2023 21:22

I once joined DH for a few weeks after he had finished a three month assignment abroad. He completed his work then booked leave. Work were happy I stayed in the company flat. I paid for my own flights. I don’t think it is a good idea for him to be there while you should be working and socialising with colleagues.

Beesandhoney123 · 03/03/2023 21:23

No one else is taking a partner. What if the trip changes schedule, what if there are extra costs?

You'll be exhausted from travel, meeting people, meetings, catching up on emails. Sleeping in a hotel room...

Also he gets a holiday he can't share memories with you as you'll be working. Who is paying for it? I think I'd say no unless you company agree to extend your flight home and he flies out at the end of three weeks and back with you. Or will he be in economy?:)

Weenurse · 03/03/2023 21:25

Meet him at the end of the trip for a week or so of touristy stuff

KimberleyClark · 03/03/2023 21:27

PeekAtYou · 03/03/2023 20:50

I've tagged along on work trips but I was entertaining myself every day which was fine. We spent Saturday and Sunday together

Same here, we made sure we had a couple of days to ourselves at the beginning g or end of the trip otherwise entertained myself. Wouldn’t want to be doing it for three weeks though.

pointythings · 03/03/2023 21:28

Well, my parents did this. My dad was an internationally renowned scientist in his field and went to a lot of conferences, and most of the time my mum would come along, paying her own fare, doing completely her own thing locally including evenings. And then they would tag a holiday together on the end of it.

PleaseJustText · 03/03/2023 21:28

I went on a few work trips with an ex. The benefit was that he already had a double room that was paid for. Before we met I travelled alone for a few years so I couldn't have cared less if he needed to network in the evenings. I can entertain myself. Even so, he found a few free evenings and weekends to enjoy the trip with me.

HikingforScenery · 03/03/2023 21:30

I’d love to go along if DH went to Japan for work. I’d be happy to do my own thing throughout the day. It’d be free accommodation for meeeee

redgirl1 · 03/03/2023 21:31

tagged on the end would be fine if you have the flexibility to stay another week or something. Otherwise I would say not a good idea, it would seem unprofessional.
i guess it depends what kind of work you do too.

Scienceadvisory · 03/03/2023 21:31

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 21:00

And another thing.. on my work trips socialising during the week at night is generally expected. Your dh absolutely would not be welcome there. either. Is he honestly suggesting he'd be happy to spend all day alone and then eat alone each night as well.

A lot of people are fine with their own company particularly if they are doing something interesting like exploring a new country. I just spent 2 weeks abroad with only myself for company, even eating alone at night(!), and I had a great time.

inthewest · 03/03/2023 21:31

My uncle worked for a major accounting firm and was often sent to exciting places from their small, freezing cold city so my aunt often tagged along and wandered around (cousins occasionally joined when it worked with school).

I think it all depends on what your employer thinks of it. In my family's case, it meant a few days of respite from an extremely cold part of our country.

BIWI · 03/03/2023 21:33

You'll be going for three weeks, but all working. If your DH comes, can he take three weeks off work? Even if he can, that - presumably - would leave him without much holiday for you two to take together.

Has he thought of that?

Personally, I'd like DH to come if I were you - but only for some of it, not all of it! The weekends you should have free, surely? And would you really be working 8-8 every day?

TBH your OP does sound like you don't want him to come, and you're making excuses. But why would you do that? And what's his reason for wanting to come? If he wants to piggy back on your trip to enjoy Japan that's fine - but if it's because he doesn't trust you, that's completely different.

We need more info @chilledegg!

LizzoBorden · 03/03/2023 21:34

Nooooo. I travel a lot for work, as does dh. Later this year I’ll be in Indonesia for a week, he’ll be in LA. Much as we might like to go, there is no way we’d take each other. Totally inappropriate.

Crunchingleaf · 03/03/2023 21:36

WinterDeWinter · 03/03/2023 21:15

I think the real issue is that he’s not speaking to you over it.

Agreed.

EPluribusUnum · 03/03/2023 21:37

Urgh, definitely not. He will cramp your style. It's a work trip. Maybe see if you can tag a few days and he could fly out for that? But I'd be disinclined to suggest it given that he's being a twat.

Softwhitecloud · 03/03/2023 21:38

YANBU
If you’re working long hours you need to be able to relax at the end of the day and your dh would be in “holiday mode”.
It would feel weird and inappropriate.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 03/03/2023 21:39

No. It's not a holiday, and you've not got time to spend with him. It sounds like you'll either be working or being hosted, and that puts the hosts in a difficult situation if he's lurking about in the background.

Would he be the type to get a cob on if he thinks you're not spending evenings or whatever with him after your normal work hours have ended? I can't imagine anything worse than dealing with that on top of being on a work trip.

Most importantly, would your company even allow this? Everywhere I've worked it's been a strict no extra people in hotel rooms. Disciplinary offence, and have to pay the bill yourself if caught.