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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Corcory · 03/03/2023 22:09

How about suggesting that he come out at the end and both of you have a week or so together as a proper holiday if you can get your flight changed to later.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotOfMen · 03/03/2023 22:09

Not sure I’d be bothered to be honest.
I wouldn’t care what my other work mates are doing
(But then I know as my dh has wanted to visit Japan for ever if I went without him I think he’d divorce me😂😂😂😂😂).

Sorry ……honestly.
If we could afford the flight then I’d be more than happy to share the experience.

Twizbe · 03/03/2023 22:10

If this was my DH I'd be suggesting he took a weeks AL at the end and I came out for that.

In fact we've done that twice before. Once in Dubai and once in HK.

Username2144 · 03/03/2023 22:10

Yanbu. He could cause you too much stress and distractions.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/03/2023 22:11

Pallisers · 03/03/2023 22:01

No way. I've travelled in Asia and the middle east for work and Dh has travelled all over the world for work and neither of us have ever tagged along. It would be really inappropriate. This is work, not a holiday. And if he is the only spouse coming along -- this will affect your credibility in the office. it is very unprofessional.

you've said he doesn't trust you and is jealous of you. Also he stops talking to you if he doesn't get his way. These are his issues. Tell him Japan is off the agenda completely - he isn't coming with you - and would he like to talk about the real issues in your marriage.

I agree with this. Also, if he behaved badly or created marital disputes while over there staying with you, then that would very much affect your work and credibility.

NumberTheory · 03/03/2023 22:12

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

If you’re going to find it stressful rather than fun it’s obviously not a good idea. And the not trusting and jealousy is a red flag for your relationship in general. Which is quite sad. Are there other obvious strains in the relationship?

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 22:13

No, he's being silly.

You're going to be working.

He would end up horning in on your work meetings in the evenings. Does he not see your job as something real?

Sunriseinwonderland · 03/03/2023 22:14

Not speaking to you because he isn't getting his own way is certainly not an adult way to behave. Does he always behave like this when he doesn't get his own way?
Does he not understand what professionalism is?

PaigeMatthews · 03/03/2023 22:15

Hiddenvoice · 03/03/2023 20:39

It’s not appropriate but if my dh was going to Japan for a work trip that was all paid for then I’d probably ask if I could tag along too. Nothing to do with being insecure or worried about what will happen there but just the fact that I could be a tourist there and visit so many different places.

This. If we had the spare money Id want to go too. I wouldnt be concerned about his working day as I would be doing tourist activities. ,

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 22:16

You need to tackle the serious issues he is causing in your relationship.

This Japan trip business is just the tip of the iceberg.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2023 22:18

YANBU
He can sulk and not talk to you if he wants... that's on him.

He needs to sit his backside down.

Bluebellsand · 03/03/2023 22:19

One of my brothers, went to visit my other brother at the end of a work trip. Both used their annual leave and the brother who went on a work trip, just called the airline (after getting permission) and changed the return date. They went sightseeing and paid for hotels by themselves.
They had a good time. Could you do something similar to that?

Remaker · 03/03/2023 22:20

My husband used to travel a lot for work and before we had kids if he was away adjacent to a weekend I’d often tag along. If I was there on a work day I’d do my own thing and then we’d meet up in the evening and spend the weekend sightseeing. I know a lot of his colleagues socially so it was never awkward. He was booking events and banquets at big hotels so they’d throw in an upgrade to a suite for him as a thank you. Of course we paid for my flights, meals, etc and for our accommodation over the weekend. It’s very normal in his company for people to stay on in a city for a few days and just pay that part themselves.

3 weeks is too long and it sounds like you’re on slave labour hours anyway. I would have suggested a compromise of him joining you at the end of the trip and having a holiday together.

SoupDragon · 03/03/2023 22:22

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 22:16

You need to tackle the serious issues he is causing in your relationship.

This Japan trip business is just the tip of the iceberg.

What serious issues?

ClaireEclair · 03/03/2023 22:23

I have to travel for work a lot and always invite my DH but he never comes :(

others have brought partners and it hasn’t been weird. If either of us were going away somewhere like Japan the other would be invited.

OnTheBoardwalk · 03/03/2023 22:26

Have the posters suggesting they tag an extra week on the end felt how absolutely exhausting it is working 3 weeks abroad in a foreign country with colleagues?

HowcanIhelp123 · 03/03/2023 22:27

I went to Japan on a work trip, extended for 3 weeks and my DH joined for the extra time. One of my colleagues did the same but her DH and child came for the whole time as a school holiday and DH could work remotely. They went sightseeing during the day, wasn't an issue. My industry has a lot of travelling but is common place to bring partners and children with you.

It depends on the motivation and nature of the role. If he wants to see Japan, not much of a problem. If he oddly thinks you'll not be able to resist having an affair with a colleague or random ONS then there is an issue in your marriage. If he's happy to entertain himself all good, if he's expecting you to miss stuff to hang with him or to tag along its a problem. Will you also be expected to go out for work dinners etc after work or planning on having your evenings alone? That also affects.

justasking111 · 03/03/2023 22:29

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

How on earth if he's only been in a job for a few months after taking years off working can he expect to have three weeks off. He sounds like a teenager in their first year of university

PoseyFlump · 03/03/2023 22:29

If you'd said France or somewhere we would be like 'noooooo, he's controlling'. But Japan 😍 I'd try it on for a chance to go Japan.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2023 22:30

ClaireEclair · 03/03/2023 22:23

I have to travel for work a lot and always invite my DH but he never comes :(

others have brought partners and it hasn’t been weird. If either of us were going away somewhere like Japan the other would be invited.

But the others are leaving their partners at home. So just one going would be weird - and really embarrassing. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Ketchupwee · 03/03/2023 22:31

No, he'll be bored and you'll be stressed. Now if he flew out at the end of the trip and you stayed out for a bit longer, that would be fine

OkOkWhatsNext · 03/03/2023 22:32

Ooh it’d be like Lost in Translation

NumberTheory · 03/03/2023 22:33

OnTheBoardwalk · 03/03/2023 22:26

Have the posters suggesting they tag an extra week on the end felt how absolutely exhausting it is working 3 weeks abroad in a foreign country with colleagues?

Yes. I’m ready for a holiday after I’ve done something like that and would always try and tag a week on if I could, especially if DH could join me. Of course I do understand that might not suit everyone, but it’s hardly a crazy suggestion.

motherofqilins · 03/03/2023 22:34

@Ketchupwee as long as he is happy enough to go off by himself he won't be. Turst me there is so much to do one would struggle to fit it in 3 weeks lol

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/03/2023 22:36

I used to travel frequently with work, as did many of my colleagues, and it would be considered extremely unprofessional if a partner/spouse tagged along and would most likely have a detrimental impact on a career. It's not a jolly, it's work. Hours are long and evenings are usually team-building/networking. On many of my trips, I would be up from 4am having calls with the UK then in the overseas office from 7am and after work finished, straight out for drinks/dinner with colleagues until late. It was intense and exhausting (and valuable and productive!) No-one ever brought a spouse. It would not be well received.

I've travelled overseas on business trips for 25 years now and only once has someone ever brought a spouse with them. He was quite junior and it didn't do him any favours. People were unimpressed and it impacted how he was regarded. Bad judgement call by him. He didn't last in the company (although is still married so maybe he made the right personal choice).