Page 4 | DH thinks he should come on my work trip

chilledegg · 2023-03-03T20:32:11+00:00

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5. I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June. He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday. My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too. None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 03/03/2023 21:39

good god no - no spouses on work trips - how weird would that be? My ex used to work overseas a couple of times a year, it was pretty intense with clients dinners etc. I only every had one overseas work trip - to N America, to give a presentation, and it was fabulous - but I would have hated having my dh along.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2023 21:39

How embarrassing to have your partner tagging along when all your colleagues have left theirs at home. It would be a hard no from me.

QuietlyConfident · 03/03/2023 21:40

If you were travelling alone then that would be one thing (though you'd still probably be expected to eat out with Japanese colleagues/customers/contacts - as pps have said that could get awkward unless you literally didn't mention his presence). But if there's a bunch of you going together it would definitely be weird for one spouse to tag along.

Solunar · 03/03/2023 21:43

Urgh no way. I travel a lot with work and no partners come; it's work all day then lots of socialising / events. It would be so weird with a partner there. And inappropriate when no other work colleagues bring theirs.

Mari9999 · 03/03/2023 21:45

To me it has a " bring daughter to work day " kind of feel to it. But truthfully if he can be away from his own job that long or can work remotely from any where, why not take advantage of the free accommodations and allow him the opportunity to see Japan .

You are both adults and he should understand that you won't be available to sight-see with him, and you may be invited to evening events to which he won't be invited. If he is a pretty independent traveler, he should be able to plan his own agenda and manage his own time.

I would probably not enjoy that kind of appendage travel, and I might not be particularly happy with a spouse who felt the need to infringe on my work space.

I have never thought much of non-working wives who tagged along on husband' s business trips. It always seem to smack of the 50's housewife mentality.

MoreHairyThanScary · 03/03/2023 21:48

Could you not get annual leave the week before or after and invite him out for that week?

Timeflieswhenyourehavingfun · 03/03/2023 21:48

Myself and DP have both travelled internationally to the US and Asia for work and it would not have been appropriate to bring the other on these trips nor would either of us have wanted to.

That said DP will be travelling to a European city every 4 to 6 weeks for a week at a time over the next few months and as I’m now on a full time WFH contract I might go with him, at my own expense, and work from there also for one of the weeks although I suspect working from a hotel room will get tedious quickly.

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 21:48

Mari9999 · 03/03/2023 21:45

To me it has a " bring daughter to work day " kind of feel to it. But truthfully if he can be away from his own job that long or can work remotely from any where, why not take advantage of the free accommodations and allow him the opportunity to see Japan .

You are both adults and he should understand that you won't be available to sight-see with him, and you may be invited to evening events to which he won't be invited. If he is a pretty independent traveler, he should be able to plan his own agenda and manage his own time.

I would probably not enjoy that kind of appendage travel, and I might not be particularly happy with a spouse who felt the need to infringe on my work space.

I have never thought much of non-working wives who tagged along on husband' s business trips. It always seem to smack of the 50's housewife mentality.

I've tagged along on a couple of DH's work trips (if it makes a difference, I also work full-time so hardly 1950s!!) Not for three weeks though, and I've been more than happy to entertain myself.

Could you consider him flying out towards the end of your stint, with you taking a few days' leave at the end to spend with him?

3 weeks' leave on a trip where you'd be pretty much alone seems a bit sad, for him??

Letstaketotheskies · 03/03/2023 21:50

Could you négociations a few day’s holiday immediately after the trip and your OH could join you for those days - AFTER all the work stuff is done and dusted.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/03/2023 21:50

I used to travel a lot for work

Lots of people would think I was lucky but the reality is living in a hotel room, not eating or eating crap/heavy meals (no cooking facilities) working long hours & having to be sociable, learn/train/work on a high pressure project.
You get very little down time, hardly see anything of the city/country and are exhausted at the end of it all.

I would be passed off at a partner tagging along to have fun whilst I was working hard your DH is being unreasonable.

The only compromise would be if you could tag annual leave to the end of your trip and your DH came out when you finished working for you both to have a holiday.

motherofqilins · 03/03/2023 21:51

I think it would very much depend on if he is expecting you to have free time or if he is happy to go off on his own. Personally I love Japan and would use any excuse to visit there and just go off on my own lol. In fact 3 weeks would not even be enough for everything I want to do lol 😂

Marie2023 · 03/03/2023 21:52

No. And I think it would harm your career.

Jennybeans401 · 03/03/2023 21:52

Three weeks is a long time to be away, having said that I understand you will be working hard. I also understand that your dh wants to come with you, it's a great place to visit and nice to be with you in the evenings.

Original poster

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

OP posts:

EyesOnThePies · 03/03/2023 21:56

YANBU

It won’t do your professional standing any good to have your husband tagging along on a business trip, like your minder or your Mum or something.

Fair enough that he fancies the trip… but no!

Hawkins003 · 03/03/2023 21:58

Personally if it was me in your dh shoes so to speak , I'd understand you would be fully booked, so I'd consider sight seeing ect and generally plotting my various activities for each day.

That said if you did say to your dh you'll be fully booked and unavailable, would he understand ?

As for the others, to me you only live once as long as the company doesn't say different then why not take him

Hawkins003 · 03/03/2023 21:58

@chilledegg

Var57 · 03/03/2023 22:00

Could you tag an extra week to the beginning or end and he join you then?

MidnightsFoodbowl · 03/03/2023 22:00

A few years ago, I went to Japan on a work trip, but only for a week (I was there with a colleague). I managed to extend my trip for an extra weekend (work still covered the flight, as different day didn't make any difference, I covered the extra hotel costs), and my husband came out for 5 of those days (work agreed he could share my room at no extra cost).
He spent the weekdays when I was working doing tourist stuff (I'm still jealous he got to see more than me, though he found it hard navigating e.g. restaurants, and he's an experienced traveller), joined colleague & me for some evenings (they knew each other from previous work trips he had joined). Then we spent the weekend together in Tokyo, before flying back together.
In my experience it only works if:

you have clear boundaries agreed beforehand of how much time you'll spend with them/ with your colleagues, and what your work expects
they are happy to be 'self sufficient' during the days
you won't get jealous of the touristy stuff they get to enjoy
you have the chance to add on some time to do things together - maybe he could show you the best of what he's seen, or you save 'somewhere special' to experience together for the first time.

Pallisers · 03/03/2023 22:01

No way. I've travelled in Asia and the middle east for work and Dh has travelled all over the world for work and neither of us have ever tagged along. It would be really inappropriate. This is work, not a holiday. And if he is the only spouse coming along -- this will affect your credibility in the office. it is very unprofessional.

you've said he doesn't trust you and is jealous of you. Also he stops talking to you if he doesn't get his way. These are his issues. Tell him Japan is off the agenda completely - he isn't coming with you - and would he like to talk about the real issues in your marriage.

NumberTheory · 03/03/2023 22:03

I’ve tagged along with DH when he’s gone somewhere fascinating. During the day, and often in the evening, he’s working and I’m entertaining myself (or sometimes working remotely). Some nights he’s free and we can go out to eat together, but sometimes I’m eating alone. Then at weekends we go off together (often to places I’ve scouted out during the week) and sometimes we tag time on the end so he can do more sightseeing.

DH is normally very encouraging of me coming as he finds long business trips stressful and not much fun and likes me around. But I am very undemanding, enjoy entertaining myself when he’s busy, don’t mind if our plans together change at the last minute if work intrudes and am happy to hang around a bit doing nothing so I’m available when he does have free time.

It worked really well for us pre-kids, though it gets expensive and it’s not suitable for all trips. With kids we sometimes fly in at the end of his trip so we can all spend time there, but we don’t go along while he’s working as that’s more stress rather than less.

OnTheBoardwalk · 03/03/2023 22:04

Not appropriate and would look really unprofessional for you

i used to travel weekly to London for a few days each week and my OH at the time used to join me in the accommodation paid for by company

this is completely different as your company paying for you to go for Japan for 3 weeks and having someone being with you for that tme is wrong

is he trying to damage your career?

Eyerollcentral · 03/03/2023 22:05

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

He is clearly jealous of your success. Don’t even contemplate him coming with you, totally bonkers given your workload. You’ll need the Sunday to rest up, networking even for the most accomplished practitioner is draining emotionally and physically. Mad to imagine that you would then be going on dashes round Japan with him on the Sunday. I would be extremely unimpressed with his attitude. V childish.

VioletaDelValle · 03/03/2023 22:08

It very much depends on why he wants to go
and for how long.
I travel for my job and occasionally DH has come along if it's somewhere he wants to see or has met me out there at the end of a trip and we've had a few days holiday.
However, some trips just haven't been the type where it would be appropriate for him to join me so he doesn't and it's no big deal. He has never got upset about it.

ButterCrackers · 03/03/2023 22:08

Surely better for him to take his holidays when you are both on holiday.