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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 05/03/2023 04:11

Meh.
I'd want to go as well. I'm also well capable of entertaining myself so would put no pressure or expectation on my spouse. I can't imagine him shutting me down 🤷‍♀️

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:31

Companyofwolves · 05/03/2023 00:48

I think he’s jealous of your success. Jealous of your job, the opportunities & jealous that you’re overtaking him. Also of what may happen if you’re away from him for that length of time too. He’s sabotaging by asking to come & behaving in a petulant manipulative manner about it. Therefore turning what should be a positive but normal aspect of your job into a negative thing.

This cld be a deal breaker OP if it’s not an isolated thing or sulking, freezing you out etc. Aka manipulative 🚩

Or maybe he just fancies a trip to Japan. 🙄

ItsShiela · 05/03/2023 07:44

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:31

Or maybe he just fancies a trip to Japan. 🙄

Show quote history

OP says she thinks he doesn't trust him, and is jealous of her.

ItsShiela · 05/03/2023 07:47

OP it's not normal for a man who otherwise works to want to ditch his work for a week or so to follow his wife around on her work trip, but you know it's not normal. And surely he must know it on some level. I think you and he need a long, frank talk about his lack of trust in you and why he is jealous of you instead of being proud of you like any other husband would be. I think you need to nip his behaviour in the bud.

KatherineJaneway · 05/03/2023 08:04

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:31

Or maybe he just fancies a trip to Japan. 🙄

Show quote history

Really? That's what you got from OP's posts? The man who doesn't trust her, is jealous of her career success, has only been in a new job for a few months after not working for a few years wants to take 3 weeks off to accompany his wife who will be working long hours, 6 days a week to Japan just because he fancies going there. Don't buy it.

notimagain · 05/03/2023 08:20

@Justanotherlurker

Hi

"It is Japan, not China." I know, and I very much appreciate the difference...and have FWIW experienced Japanese hospitality a few times so I so "get" that side of things as well.

Fundamentally in the case of the OP if the trailing partner is going to be welcomed and hosted in the manner you describe, then all sounds good to me...I like what I've seen of the country so I'd certainly go along as a "trailer" if I knew that was going to be the case.

If OTOH there is a risk they are not going to be actively hosted/entertained then I'm still of the opinion that to avoid terminal boredom the partner needs to make plans for something such as travelling for a chunk of the three weeks.

Sunbird24 · 05/03/2023 09:36

But how is that fair? OP’s DH gets a partly subsidised holiday to Japan and gets to see all the interesting things tourists usually want to go for, but OP doesn’t because she’s working long hours on all but one day a week! So then he’s had a holiday in Japan but she hasn’t - how likely is he going to be to want to go back full price at their own expense at another time so that OP can actually have a holiday?

Starsnspikes · 05/03/2023 09:39

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

Bit of an aside, but you don't need to justify/qualify your success. You might have had an element of luck, but I'm guessing you've worked hard to get where you are. No need to downplay it and excuse the fact you earn more than him. I can't imagine a man doing the same! You fully deserve the success you've achieved.

Polis · 05/03/2023 09:39

But how is that fair?

Do people really think like this? Some obviously do.

KatherineJaneway · 05/03/2023 09:49

Sunbird24 · 05/03/2023 09:36

But how is that fair? OP’s DH gets a partly subsidised holiday to Japan and gets to see all the interesting things tourists usually want to go for, but OP doesn’t because she’s working long hours on all but one day a week! So then he’s had a holiday in Japan but she hasn’t - how likely is he going to be to want to go back full price at their own expense at another time so that OP can actually have a holiday?

OP is going for work, not a holiday. Working 8 - 8 for 6 days a week will mean on Sunday she is relaxing and probably shattered. OK OP may get to see one or two sites but it is work, not fun.

Sunbird24 · 05/03/2023 13:13

@KatherineJaneway exactly the point I was making…

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2023 13:33

YellowDaffodillie · 04/03/2023 09:17

I think YABU.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t extend your stay and book a week off at the end of your trip and have your DH join you? Japan is an amazing place to visit and even though I’ve been, there’s always more to see on subsequent visits.

Why wouldn’t you want to share some of the experience of visiting Japan with your DH? When I went last time, DH had to leave after two weeks due to work commitments, but I stayed on for an extra week as we have family there.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you enjoy being “the superior one” in this partnership and that’s a recipe for disaster.

It doesn't sound like the OP will be doing any touristy stuff as her time will be taken up with work.

And I wouldn't trust her DH not to intrude where he shouldn't

KatherineJaneway · 05/03/2023 13:40

Sunbird24 · 05/03/2023 13:13

@KatherineJaneway exactly the point I was making…

Apologies!

Kittycat37uk · 05/03/2023 14:11

Why couldn't he just go on his own accord?not like you both have to be joint at the hip is it?
He could be out sightseeing and the like on his own whilst you are working it's doest have to be weird he could even pay for his own flights and accommodation if it bothered u that much but u don't get the monopoly on u are going to that country for work what so no one else can travel to Japan on those days?wow

Jumpmom1 · 05/03/2023 14:35

I think it depends on the context. Is he wanting to accompany you so he can see Japan and happy to let you work etc. Or is he wanting to go because he doesn’t want you away for 3 weeks without him.
Personally, I think if this was me I would be quite happy for husband to come so we could make some memories. I’m assuming u won’t b working every day 8-8 so on days off yous can go and do some sightseeing etc.

YellowDaffodillie · 05/03/2023 14:49

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2023 13:33

It doesn't sound like the OP will be doing any touristy stuff as her time will be taken up with work.

And I wouldn't trust her DH not to intrude where he shouldn't

Show quote history

Obviously, she won’t be doing touristy stuff during the working period as Japanese business people (men mostly) are known to extend business appointments into the evenings to include dinner, drinks and other things….
I’d be surprised if she wasn’t working until 10pm most evenings.

I was advising that she extends her visit by a week or so and for her DH to join her AT THE END of the work period, not during. Also, asking her Japanese colleagues to suggest touristy activities could be a good conversation starter to break the ice if she’s not been there before.

MoreSleepPleasee · 05/03/2023 14:54

I think it's unprofessional personally.

diddl · 05/03/2023 15:16

It's not costing you in money or AL so you could go together for a holiday at some point anyway.

No need for him to tag along on a work trip!

If you think that he doesn't trust you though then that is another matter entirely!

cryinginhmart · 05/03/2023 15:21

Absolutely not. Have you not seen lost in translation? The long hours in the hotel while you’re working and brief yet meaningful connection he will form with a grossly older man will inevitably expose all the uncrossable distance between you both. Avoid.

Welshmonster · 05/03/2023 16:14

What do your company say about it as they might have rules about partners coming?
why does he want to come?

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 05/03/2023 16:19

Not appropriate to go with you. The evenings on work trips are usually filled with networking dinners etc. It’s not a holiday, it’s for work.
Both husband and I travel for work and it never occurred to us to make it a “holiday”. At one point we took a weeks off afterwards and he joined me in the destination, but again, that was completely separate and I paid for my ticket back.

fadingfast · 05/03/2023 19:04

I don’t see why he couldn’t travel out and join you for the final week, doing his own thing while you work for that week and then (assuming you’re able to) extend the stay for a week of holiday together?

Starseeking · 05/03/2023 20:34

Jooliusreezer · 04/03/2023 05:43

A jealous, insecure and threatened husband tagging along will not do you any good at all. And if he doesn’t understand that, it’s probably why you’re Theo me in the professional role warning four times the amount he does.

This. All of this.

If he's wanting to join you in Japan for the full 3 weeks, and he's jealous and earns a quarter of your salary, I guarantee he is trying to sabotage your career. He's already sulking, and you haven't even got there yet!

Don't let him join you in the trip, you will be leaving the door wide open for him to do this.

MRex · 05/03/2023 20:38

We've tacked a holiday on around business travel before, and on a few European hops DH tagged along and just amused himself in.the daytime. Your current plan sounds like that isn't a brilliant fit, but maybe a holiday the week before or after and he can hang around for one extra week of solo.sightseeing and romantic late night dinners would work. It's fair enough for him to ask and hard to judge who's in the wrong without knowing what was actually said.

Sshiamreading · 05/03/2023 20:50

Kittycat37uk · 05/03/2023 14:11

Why couldn't he just go on his own accord?not like you both have to be joint at the hip is it?
He could be out sightseeing and the like on his own whilst you are working it's doest have to be weird he could even pay for his own flights and accommodation if it bothered u that much but u don't get the monopoly on u are going to that country for work what so no one else can travel to Japan on those days?wow

But he’s not going on his “own accord” from what I can understand he’s specifically asked to stay in touch the hotel room and travel at the same time as OP and his desire to go to Japan started when OP said she was going. This isn’t a random coincidence.

Why not go back with OP on an actual holiday so they as a married couple can enjoy Japan together properly as tourists? Or If he wants a solo trip he can go another time too and not stay in OP’s work accommodation.