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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
BIWI · 05/03/2023 21:02

Well it doesn't make any difference what any of us think, as clearly the @chilledegg isn't bothering to come back.

Grrrrdarling · 05/03/2023 22:58

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

Your DH is out of order & you are totally NBU at all.
Work trip not a holiday. No he can’t go & he needs to realise this!
His silence is totally unwarranted & childish in this case. He needs to grow up!!

Companyofwolves · 06/03/2023 04:25

@cryinginhmart best reply 🤣

Cassiehopes · 06/03/2023 05:07

I’d definitely take my husband! He can explore while I’m working and we could have evenings and weekends travelling together. I’d love it!

CallieG · 06/03/2023 07:59

He’s being a petulant child. This is for work , spouses & SO aren’t invited, it’s not a group vacation.
ignore him, don’t do anything for him , don’t try to jolly him along, don’t pander to his BS.
he needs to grow up.

BIWI · 06/03/2023 08:07

Have you read the OP's posts @Cassiehopes?! She's working 6 days out of 7, 8am till 8pm. Not really much time for her to have 'evenings and weekends travelling'!

Xol · 06/03/2023 08:15

CallieG · 06/03/2023 07:59

He’s being a petulant child. This is for work , spouses & SO aren’t invited, it’s not a group vacation.
ignore him, don’t do anything for him , don’t try to jolly him along, don’t pander to his BS.
he needs to grow up.

I can't see why OP couldn't ask her employers if he can come along if they pay the fares etc, possibly on the basis that she tacks on a bit of holiday at the end and they stay there together. They might start a trend.

mewkins · 06/03/2023 09:07

Xol · 06/03/2023 08:15

I can't see why OP couldn't ask her employers if he can come along if they pay the fares etc, possibly on the basis that she tacks on a bit of holiday at the end and they stay there together. They might start a trend.

Show quote history

Because she doesn't want him there. She's got a full on 3 weeks with a packed schedule and wants to focus on her work. She's allowed to do that.

BlueHeelers · 06/03/2023 14:14

I can't see why OP couldn't ask her employers if he can come along if they pay the fares etc,

Did you not read the OP ? @chilledegg says that a) she'll be working 12 hour days, 6 days a week; b) no other partners are accompanying colleagues and c) this is a big opportunity for her.

In these circumstances, It's clear that the OP needs to maintain professional credibility, and her knowledge of her workplace is that her husband's behaviour could sabotage that.

And he wants to accompany her for the whole three weeks.

Honestly, I think some PPs are like the OP's husband - they don't work, or do business trips, because they have no idea what it's actually like. They seem to think it's a jolly.

whatadayforadaydream · 06/03/2023 14:16

YANBU to not want him to come, but he is also NBU to want to. Great chance of a holiday somewhere you wouoldn't want to go!

Could he come for the last week and you both stay on an extra few days/ a week and make use of the paid for flights? Me and DH did that when I went to the US for a work trip once.

DrWhoNowww · 06/03/2023 14:38

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. I will be working 8 - 8 Monday to Saturday with Sundays off. It's a business development role so I'll be in lots of meetings and I'll also be assisting new employees in terms of settling in to their role/ some training. I will be expected to attend dinner and some evening events too. There will be no time for "holiday" stuff.

I don't think he trusts me tbh. I think he's also jealous of my job. I earn about 4x more than him which isn't an issue for me (I've been extremely lucky in recent years).

He's brilliant at his job but he's only been in the role for a few months, after not working for a few years. I've been building up to this opportunity for a good few years.

I was already going to say it was a bad idea and after this post I’d be leaning more towards the hell no.

You’re not going on holiday, if he wouldn’t normally come to work with you why does he need to go to Japan.

If he’s not talking to you over the suggestion he doesn’t go then he’s definitely the type to throw a strop over you not spending all your off time with him.

Overseas trips are generally shit - fantastic opportunities and you can see some really interesting places but I can’t think of a single work trip I’ve been on that it would have been appropriate to take partners along to - or even one where you would have time to spend with your partner.

I definitely still have nightmares about the two week trip to Hong Kong whilst providing lead support on a project in LA and still trying to keep on top of what was happening work wise in the U.K… juggling multiple opposite time zones whilst jet lagged and trying to work 12 hour days is not a holiday and any partner that had gone on that trip with me would literally have only seen me whilst asleep.

whattodo1975 · 06/03/2023 14:49

If you are going away with colleagues from here in the UK who you already know, he is definitely working on the assumption that whilst you are away you will be shagging one of them.

WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair · 06/03/2023 17:23

BlueHeelers · 06/03/2023 14:14

I can't see why OP couldn't ask her employers if he can come along if they pay the fares etc,

Did you not read the OP ? @chilledegg says that a) she'll be working 12 hour days, 6 days a week; b) no other partners are accompanying colleagues and c) this is a big opportunity for her.

In these circumstances, It's clear that the OP needs to maintain professional credibility, and her knowledge of her workplace is that her husband's behaviour could sabotage that.

And he wants to accompany her for the whole three weeks.

Honestly, I think some PPs are like the OP's husband - they don't work, or do business trips, because they have no idea what it's actually like. They seem to think it's a jolly.

100% agree with this. Sometimes work trips are jollies, but they tend to be team building type things where partners would not be welcome. A real work trip is exhausting - the jet lag, the long hours to take advantage of the travel, the food is not what you'd normally eat on a working day, the dinners and activities. The fact that you're in face to face meetings, or training, or workshops most of the day, you never switch off. The evening drinks are great fun but also part of the work, the business relationships get built there, the allies made. I was always a bit suspicious of the husband of one team member who would show up at the team dinner - the dynamics were weird - why is he there?

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