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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it my fault she died?

236 replies

howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:26

I really love my mum. However I did not grow up with her, I grew up with my grandparents (saw my mum every week) and we did not have a conventional mother daughter relationship as a result. There was pain and hurt there when I was a young adult at times, although we had loads of fun together too.

She preferred to have firm boundaries around me, I think. I was always welcome for visits but her house wasn't my home. I am ashamed of this because it's childish and pathetic but I craved being 100% fully wanted by her and felt such deep shame that she didn't want me living with her. My siblings lived with her and it's like a blank space in my mind that can't work out why I was not "worth it" on the same level as they were.

I know this is just nonsense obviously as an adult and don't believe that has anything to do with my worth - but sometimes it still hits me over the head and I just feel so ashamed and distressed. It embarrasses me.

We developed a great relationship later on. However, by this time I had grown up and learned how to enjoy the relationship for all the good things it was, and let go of the rest.

But a big part of this was never, ever arguing with my mum or pressing my opinion on her - I think she always felt I was too pushy and demanding and put my own wants and needs first. I reckon I was guilty of that for years as was demanding, always needing support. I am 100% aware that I was a shit person in that respect.

When she got sick she was very appreciative of my support which I was glad to do, but I was always too afraid to argue with her and push her. She was very keen to explore all options which we did together and did a virtual appointment with a very good doctor, but I didn't push her to move to a bigger hospital.

Maybe if I had REALLY pushed her, she would have gone and even if she had stopped talking to me, she might still be alive?

The other thing is maybe I should have been pushier about going to her town and actually going with her to appointments but again I was afraid. There was nowhere for me to stay and due to my own disability I can't drive.

But really - I prioritised my own disability and my own health. Having no access to my own doctors and things I need to manage my own health makes my own disability worse so I just put myself first. Again, if I had navigated things in a better way, would she possibly still be alive?

Am I just a shit daughter?

OP posts:
RunTowardsTheLight · 03/03/2023 19:28

OP, this is terribly sad and I can see that your mother's rejection of you has coloured your whole life. Have you had therapy?

desperadodogface · 03/03/2023 19:29

No, you're not. I appreciate she didn't raise you but we raise our kids to be independent and make their own way in the world and be empowered to make their own decisions. Sounds like you could do with some Grief counselling to help you make sense of your feelings though. They're totally valid but you're taking too much responsibility here

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/03/2023 19:29

No you are not a shit daughter.

wakdoqwu · 03/03/2023 19:29

It's not childish or pathetic to be wanted by your parents - do you really believe that? Your Mum was a shit human being by the sounds of it. She was also an adult responsible for her own choices and decisions. It wasn't your place to push her into treatment she didn't want.

wakdoqwu · 03/03/2023 19:30

wakdoqwu · 03/03/2023 19:29

It's not childish or pathetic to be wanted by your parents - do you really believe that? Your Mum was a shit human being by the sounds of it. She was also an adult responsible for her own choices and decisions. It wasn't your place to push her into treatment she didn't want.

Or your responsibility

Mamette · 03/03/2023 19:30

Of course not.

I am sorry for your loss. Your mum had her life and made her own decisions. You are in no way responsible for anything that your mum did.

Nurture yourself now. Take care of your own physical and mental health. Maybe look at talking to a therapist 💐

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 03/03/2023 19:31

Absolutely not, but she sure was a shit mother. Not sure I would even mourn her loss if I were you, let alone feel guilty for her decisions!

Okunevo · 03/03/2023 19:31

What about your siblings, did they provide support? Could they have been in a better position to do so?

Namachanga · 03/03/2023 19:32

I was sure how to vote. I put YABU to think it’s your fault she died. Relationships are hard, you haven’t done anything wrong.

Turnipworkharder · 03/03/2023 19:33

no, you're not a shit daughter at all.

Newstartonwards · 03/03/2023 19:34

Parental
rejection is unforgivable. It took me two years of therapy to begin to address it. Every mother should want their child.

you mother was abusive, you did your best - far more than that - other daughters would have left her and negative spoken to her again.

this is not on you, it is not your fault, this is nothing you did or didn’t do.

please get some therapy counselling

it affected my whole life - it’s taken me 40 years to realise it isn’t me. I’m not too sensitive or a brat or ignorant or anything else I’ve been told - it’s them my parents

Lindy2 · 03/03/2023 19:34

"I was too pushy and demanding and put my own wants and needs first."

This really stood out to me. Children's needs should come first. Most parents do this automatically. I'm sorry your mum didn't. That's not your fault.

It sounds like you remained a caring daughter despite everything which was a massive and kind thing for you to do.

You did what you could. Your mum had other children too. It wasn't just your responsibility.

Obeythedancecommander · 03/03/2023 19:37

Your mum's health and happiness was not your responsibility. Your health and happiness growing up however was hers.

I think despite the awful sibling divide and abandonment and resentment you must have felt you were a great daughter. After that lots wouldn't have bothered with her and nor would they have been required to.

Please look after yourself. Seek therapy to help you organise these thoughts.

You absolutely did more than enough.

Okunevo · 03/03/2023 19:37

You did what you could. Your mum had other children too. It wasn't just your responsibility.
I agree. I'd say it was more their responsibility as she raised them.

Original poster
howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:38

But it doesn't count as rejection does it? Not when she visited every week or I visited them in the holidays.

Lots of kids have a similar set up with their dad, don't they? And nobody would consider they are rejected.

Honestly though I feel I was not fully rejected but not fully wanted. Sort of halfway? Is that just me being negative?

OP posts:
youmustbemad · 03/03/2023 19:38

Oh my god you poor thing. It's not your fault she died. Of COURSE you wanted to be fully loved by your mother. It's not pathetic, it's normal. She may have been incapable of more for whatever reason, but she failed as a mother to give you what you needed, which is what every child needs. You're not at fault here. In any way. Also. There's no reason to think her medical treatment would have been different or had a different outcome elsewhere, is there? This is just a "what if"? You can't torture yourself like that. You might have pushed her, and it made no difference. Or the stress of it reduced her quality of life in what time was left. You did your best to support her. Despite not having that from her.

Gagaandgag · 03/03/2023 19:40

I am so sorry Op. childhood trauma stays with you. Just because you are an adult on the outside it doesn’t mean you don’t hurt like that child on the inside. My dad is still hurting every day from childhood trauma and rejection. He is 71. Please consider some therapy and good luck x

JudgeRudy · 03/03/2023 19:40

I'm sorry for your loss. You are grieving for your biological mother but also the little girl you is grieving for the fantasy Mummy you never had. You probably feel separate from your siblings so your going through this alone. It's no surprise your emotions are all over the place.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You supported your mum in exactly the way she wanted. You listened to and understood her wishes and carried them out. I'd guess you're still doing this now with admin and clearing the house etc.
Ironically I think you had a closer relationship than you believe. As a child your mum wasn't in a position to have you live with her fulltime but I suspect she loved you, trusted and respected to you and you lived in her heart

Original poster
howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:40

Please can people not say she failed as a mother or was shit. She wasn't shit, I loved her so much and I did feel loved. Just confused as to why I wasn't fully wanted.

My head is so tired of trying to understand.

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 03/03/2023 19:45

Good parents don't make their children feel unwanted.

The way you have phrased your initial post makes it sound like you have fully taken the blame for any and all failings in the relationship you had with your mum. A relationship is a two way thing, and in an unequal one such as parents and children, the parent should be modelling good interactions. It doesn't seem like that has happened for you.

It is possible that there were many things which impacted your mum's relationship with you from when you were a child, but they were her job to work through, not your job to fix.

user1471453601 · 03/03/2023 19:46

Sorry, opening poster. I voted yanbu. Not at all because you were a shit daughter. Quite the opposite. Under the circumstances, you were a far more reasonable daughter than I'm afraid I'd be. So I voted on your overall behaviour, which seems exemplary to me.

Okunevo · 03/03/2023 19:49

I assume there was a reason why you initially went to live with your grandparents. One of my parents had a cousin living with them for a while, her mother was not a bad mother, it was just the best arrangement at the time. It must be difficult to come to terms with though.

onemorerose · 03/03/2023 19:50

I think that, even had you lived with you mum all your life, you wouldn’t have been able to tell her in which direction she should go regarding treatment. You had a good relationship in the end but she was an adult and these were her choices to make, not yours.
I do think you could benefit from someone to talk to about it all. I don’t want to probe but the ages in which she was born and had you could have affected your relationship.

If you had a good relationship in adult life I would try to remember that 💐

DaisyDays123 · 03/03/2023 19:52

I think I clicked the wrong vote sorry! I don’t think it’s your fault at all.

Original poster
howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:52

The way you have phrased your initial post makes it sound like you have fully taken the blame for any and all failings in the relationship you had with your mum.

I think I had a difficult, headstrong personality when I was a child and young adult.

In my 20s I was really angry and sad and vented out all my hurt to her.

Then for ages, I felt I had moved past blaming anyone at all. She had boundaries, I had boundaries. It wasn't all perfect but it was all calm and ok and we both really valued the relationship. Sometimes I would still feel weird and hurt over a memory from the past, but only sometimes and I was mostly ok with everything.

Now since she has died I just feel awful and like I must be at fault for everything again, I can't help blaming myself.

OP posts: