Was it my fault she died?

[howcaniknow]

I really love my mum. However I did not grow up with her, I grew up with my grandparents (saw my mum every week) and we did not have a conventional mother daughter relationship as a result. There was pain and hurt there when I was a young adult at times, although we had loads of fun together too.

She preferred to have firm boundaries around me, I think. I was always welcome for visits but her house wasn't my home. I am ashamed of this because it's childish and pathetic but I craved being 100% fully wanted by her and felt such deep shame that she didn't want me living with her. My siblings lived with her and it's like a blank space in my mind that can't work out why I was not "worth it" on the same level as they were.

I know this is just nonsense obviously as an adult and don't believe that has anything to do with my worth - but sometimes it still hits me over the head and I just feel so ashamed and distressed. It embarrasses me.

We developed a great relationship later on. However, by this time I had grown up and learned how to enjoy the relationship for all the good things it was, and let go of the rest.

But a big part of this was never, ever arguing with my mum or pressing my opinion on her - I think she always felt I was too pushy and demanding and put my own wants and needs first. I reckon I was guilty of that for years as was demanding, always needing support. I am 100% aware that I was a shit person in that respect.

When she got sick she was very appreciative of my support which I was glad to do, but I was always too afraid to argue with her and push her. She was very keen to explore all options which we did together and did a virtual appointment with a very good doctor, but I didn't push her to move to a bigger hospital.

Maybe if I had REALLY pushed her, she would have gone and even if she had stopped talking to me, she might still be alive?

The other thing is maybe I should have been pushier about going to her town and actually going with her to appointments but again I was afraid. There was nowhere for me to stay and due to my own disability I can't drive.

But really - I prioritised my own disability and my own health. Having no access to my own doctors and things I need to manage my own health makes my own disability worse so I just put myself first. Again, if I had navigated things in a better way, would she possibly still be alive?

Am I just a shit daughter?

Your mother was an adult and responsible for her own medical decisions. And I can't see that you owed her anything.

None of this was your fault. None of it. Not one bit.

Please talk to someone in real life. You deserve to know in your heart you deserved none of this.

It is obviously not your fault.

Imagine a friend had written that post - what would you say to them?

Agree with others that you should speak to a professional about it. I don't know your situation but there are circumstances where a child being raised by family is noone's fault.

This is absolutely NOT the truth of it all. It couldn't be further from the truth.

First of all, I think people are confused with the voting. None of this is your fault. I do hope you can access some support.

Just to add a bit more. My mother died of breast cancer several years ago now.
She had other underlying health issues. When she was diagnosed with the cancer she did not want a mastectomy, nor chemo. She did go for a couple of chemo sessions (the idea being chemo would take place before a mastectomy), rather reluctantly, as the consultant persuaded her that she had a good chance of going into remission. However, she was ill after the first two chemo sessions and ended up in hospital twice, she refused any more treatment. That was 100% her decision. Nothing my Dad nor I nor the consultants said could change her mine. She had decided she wanted to let it run its course, basically because her underlying health conditions were also too much for her. She lived 3 years after the diagnosis.
Might she have survived if she had the treatment? Maybe, but also maybe the chemo might have made her life hell and/or exacerbated the other conditions. Who knows?
But at the end of the day, she was an adult, it was her decision and we respected that decision. Devastating as it was to lose her.

I'm so sorry, OP. Of course your emotions around her death must be very complex and I would echo what PP have said about detangling all of this with an experienced therapist.

It sounds like it's hard to hear that you were rejected by her as a child and that this was her fault. I completely understand why, it's a such a huge, huge hurt and it's easier on the heart sometimes to be like 'well, it wasn't really rejection if x/y/z' because the pain is too bad to look in the face.

You were a vulnerable child and you wanted your mummy to want you, that will never ever be abnormal, pathetic, or your fault. Likewise, she made her final medical decisions as an adult, and these are also not your fault.

Please see somebody with experience with childhood trauma to work through this, please don't let feeling not good enough for this one woman eat up the rest of your life. Love to you x

You're not a shit daughter, but your mum doesn't sound like she was a great parent.

Children don't ask to be born - it is their parents responsibility to love and nurture them, NOT the other way around. Children have a right to expect this from their parents but toxic parents try to twist this dynamic around, leaving you feeling guilty. And that's wrong.

And your mum left you with grandparents but raised her other children at home?? That is on her, not you. I can't imagine how damaging that must have been for you.

If something happens to you as a child, it's very hard as an adult to put yourself in that child's mind and be logical. So many emotions get in the way. You didn't understand what was happening at the time and you can't look back now and understand. Be kind to yourself. You weren't - aren't - responsible for your mother's actions.

But did she show an active interest in your life? Did you do things together one to one? Was she there for you when you were upset? Or excited when something exciting happened to you?

Why did your mother abandon you, but not your siblings? Your mother’s rejection has damaged your self-worth. Please seek therapy.

OMG @howcaniknow
You certainly didn't let your Mum down.
Me, a stranger on the Internet, reading your original post was gobsmacked that your Mum left you with your grandparents and yet your siblings lived with her.
Where was your Dad ?
What age were you when you went to live with your grandparents?
Did your siblings help your Mum in her later years?

Have you seen the Oscar nominated film The Quiet Girl ?
It's about a wee girl who is left to live with her aunt and uncle because of problems at home. It's a really good watch and you will see why the child had no power. No power but love.

Many people feel that rejection with fathers they saw every other weekend. It’s not your fault OP. It’s easy to blame ourselves and part of the grief. But it’s really not your fault

None of it is your fault at all. The truth is people die and nothing can be done to stop it. No appointment no doctor could stop it.

and please get therapy you were her daughter your wants and needs should be a priority

I think when we are coping with the loss of someone it’s natural for our mind to focus upon the events leading upto the death and question if we should of done things differently. I know I did for both my parents deaths.It serves no purpose other than to create more hurt and pain but overtime it seems to ease and we just accept that we did our best.

I think the thing to take hold of here is that despite your bad start with your mum, you did in the end have a good relationship with her. Thats what I would hold on to. You are not a shit daughter, you tried to persuade her to take treatment and explore options, you were there for her when she needed you and even though she didn't take up those options, that is not down to you, it was her choice as an adult and mum to make, dont blame yourself or feel guilt.

Negative emotions are understandable after your experience and feeling of rejection in childhood, but you came through it and still had a good relationship with her. Not all families are the same set up and it sounds like you were looked after by your grandparents and still had regular contact with your mum. I do understand the wondering why you were not allowed to live with your mum when your siblings were, but there must have been a reason (and not because she didnt want to, maybe she was very young when she had you and couldnt cope without her parents support, maybe she was in a bad place at the time and then felt you would be better off staying there with them. Its clear you both loved each other and you were together as adults, treasure the good memories of this time and try and move on from the less positive ones or they will eat you up xx

I pressed YANBU by mistake!!! 😳

Of course you're not responsible for her death, you did everything you practically could to support her and she appreciated that.
When someone dies its very usual to think "what if" or " if only" but honestly you couldn't have changed anything.

You're not at all pathetic to have needed your mothers unconditional love growing up thats completely natural and I'm sorry you didn't have it.
Have you had counselling? You've been through a lot and it may be very helpful to work through your feelings. Your GP can refer you or you can probably self refer as well.

OP, you need some real therapy to help you with this. I suspect you have attachment issues as you were rejected by your mother, even if she did come and see you. I’m not saying she had any choice in the matter, but she kept your siblings and that must hurt.

Logically, if you let her down, then so did your siblings. Are you angry with them?

OP, you could not have been a better daughter. Your love, respect and consideration for your mum shines from your posts.
You showed her so much love and respect that you allowed her to set the terms of your relationship and make the decisions she wanted to about her health care, even when it was in direct opposition to what you wanted. That's an incredibly selfless unconditional love.
Your mum was a very lucky woman to have you for a daughter. We all understand that our chidren go through headstrong angry stages, but know that that doesn't define the relationship, which is about more than the odd venting session.
If you were my daughter I'd feel very fortunate.

No, it's really not your fault.

She was 18 when she had me, and had to finish university and then travel to get work. Siblings born later.

In our culture it was kind of a big deal to have a baby outside marriage. Her parents were amazing about her being pregnant, they didn't give a shit and absorbed me into their family set up.

My dad wasn't in my life until I met him as a pre teen, and then met him a few times a year for lunch. He really did make me feel rejected as he just was not interested and could not ever be bothered building any kind of relationship with me so that's what "rejection" feels like in my mind. I tried getting in touch with him every now and then until some time in my twenties, when thankfully I had the realisation that there was no point.

No you're not a shit daughter, but she was a shit mother.

You have been left questioning everything you do and think under the overlay of believing you're not good enough.

You sound like a totally good enough person! You built a relationship with her despite the way she treated you. That takes big helpings of forgiveness from you, and there's many people who wouldn't be able to do that. She didn't deserve you. You're a lovely person.

She had the opportunity for abortion (friends all supporting her, making it clear they would go with her and pay for it if she wanted to do that and nobody would know) but always said she wanted to keep me right from when she knew she was pregnant.

Op did you and your mother ever discuss why she didn't come back for you full time once she was settled and about to start another family? Is it possible she wanted to but felt it was tearing you away from everything you had ever known as 'home'?