Was it my fault she died?

[howcaniknow]

I really love my mum. However I did not grow up with her, I grew up with my grandparents (saw my mum every week) and we did not have a conventional mother daughter relationship as a result. There was pain and hurt there when I was a young adult at times, although we had loads of fun together too.

She preferred to have firm boundaries around me, I think. I was always welcome for visits but her house wasn't my home. I am ashamed of this because it's childish and pathetic but I craved being 100% fully wanted by her and felt such deep shame that she didn't want me living with her. My siblings lived with her and it's like a blank space in my mind that can't work out why I was not "worth it" on the same level as they were.

I know this is just nonsense obviously as an adult and don't believe that has anything to do with my worth - but sometimes it still hits me over the head and I just feel so ashamed and distressed. It embarrasses me.

We developed a great relationship later on. However, by this time I had grown up and learned how to enjoy the relationship for all the good things it was, and let go of the rest.

But a big part of this was never, ever arguing with my mum or pressing my opinion on her - I think she always felt I was too pushy and demanding and put my own wants and needs first. I reckon I was guilty of that for years as was demanding, always needing support. I am 100% aware that I was a shit person in that respect.

When she got sick she was very appreciative of my support which I was glad to do, but I was always too afraid to argue with her and push her. She was very keen to explore all options which we did together and did a virtual appointment with a very good doctor, but I didn't push her to move to a bigger hospital.

Maybe if I had REALLY pushed her, she would have gone and even if she had stopped talking to me, she might still be alive?

The other thing is maybe I should have been pushier about going to her town and actually going with her to appointments but again I was afraid. There was nowhere for me to stay and due to my own disability I can't drive.

But really - I prioritised my own disability and my own health. Having no access to my own doctors and things I need to manage my own health makes my own disability worse so I just put myself first. Again, if I had navigated things in a better way, would she possibly still be alive?

Am I just a shit daughter?

And she has told you this? She has made you feel guilty for being born? This is unbelievable.

She should not have put this on you.

I had a mother that rejected me, but unlike yours, she kept me. I have had a whole lifetime of abuse, physical and mental, even after I was married with children of my own. If I didn’t do things her way, she would cut me off. There would be months when her and the family in that home would not speak to me or see me, apart from me calling my dad when he was at work.

She had lung cancer, she was very young (in her 50’s) and it was at that point I was able to have a real heart to heart with her. I was then seen for who I was, rather than who she wanted me to be. When she was dying, it was me that was dealing with the doctors. It was me that raised the issue of stopping needless treatment with my family after she was unconscious. Her cancer had gone to her brain and if I thought she was awful before….. this was worse but she was ill and I could deal with that.

After she died, I really didn’t grieve, I felt relief, I could be myself and live my own life. My GP referred me for talking therapy, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I can’t say I am at peace, mainly because my sibling has continued with the emotional abuse, resulting in my going no contact with them.

You are not responsible for your mother in life nor in death. She may only have been 18, but she chose to have you. She was at University, so she wasn’t badly educated and naive. She made conscious decisions. She also made decisions about her treatment and her health, that was never your responsibility.

As for you being difficult and demanding in your teenage years, that’s standard teenage behaviour, without you trying to reassure yourself that she loved you, which may be why you were a demanding personality. I am not sure you really were, but if you are told something often enough, you will believe it.

Arrange for some talking therapy, as soon as you can. None of any of this, is your fault. You are, despite her a warm and caring woman.

Take care of yourself

Am I just going to endlessly circle back to feeling this way, even after i think I've moved on?

i know others have suggested professional therapy but I think it’s worth suggesting it again. I think it can help you break out of that circling back.

The voting was difficult to select. I selected you are not being unreasonable because you were not unreasonable to prioritise yourself. You are unreasonable to think of yourself as a shit daughter

You know, I'm beginning to wonder if her determinedly not having any mental health issues, was actually a defence against confronting some painful stuff?

I don't think she was depressed, no and I am thankful for that. It is a comfort to me to think that well, even if she didn't live to be very old, she had a comfortable and enjoyable life.

I wasn't a scapegoat, no. I was brought up having it drummed into me that I was clever (lol) and very talented at several things, so wasn't told I was stupid or worthless or anything like that.

'The opportunity for abortion' what a completely heartbreaking phrase for you to hear OP (however well it was meant).

It all sounds like a lot of miscommunication and sadness. She gave you to her parents so she could follow her dreams, when she was ready for you you had bonded and were loved, that must have been so hard and a big sacrifice for her to only see you weekly. But you all had unresolved feelings.

Counselling will help, but she was responsible for her life and her choices, not you. And it may not have changed the outcome.

Trust me, you can drive yourself crazy with what ifs, the missed opportunities,I have been there. But it changes nothing. They are responsible for their own lives, not you.

@howcaniknow Of course you aren't a 'Shit Daughter'
Your mother sounds, as others have said, a shite mother in her cold treatment of you.

Every child wants to be loved and accepted by their parents.

If you can, try and access some good counselling.

You were a child, I can’t believe all the blame you are placing on yourself. You deserved to be treated equally with your siblings by your mum. You were let down really, even if the adults in charge thought they were doing the right thing.

Your love for your mum is clear, your mum would have known this, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

I am really sorry for the difficult time you are going through.

I might be completely wrong and am not a therapist but this is how I am hearing this.

As a child, you didn't feel good enough. A lot of that feeling was to do with the relationship with your mum. And now that your mum has passed, it has brought back those feelings of not being good enough.

From my outsider perspective I definitely think you are not to blame for your mum's death.

I also think that it is completely right and healthy to look after yourself and respect your own limits when supporting someone else. Any of the advice you read about caring for others always emphasises how important that is.

I think it could be that your feelings from childhood are being brought up through the grieving process, which is always complicated and messy enough anyway.

I do think it would be a good idea to get some therapy where you can discuss these feelings and examine them in a supportive/expert environment. Therapy really helped me.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

I think it’s very unusual not to circle back to something as foundational as this at least a few times. Especially when faced with an event like a parent dying. Did your therapist not go over tools to help you when you relapse (don’t think that’s a good word for it, but can’t think of the right one!)?

So sorry you are carrying this burden of guilt & blame - as is common in grief & loss. And always complicated when these are emotions we’ve grown up wrestling with due to childhood trauma.

It’s only natural that you have learned to take too much responsibility for things happening outside of your control OP. It’s a common coping response when events such as the separation & abandonment experiences you unfortunately had to go through occurred.

It really is only natural that all these wounds will have been re-opened by your mother’s parting. There is a pattern of self-blame when you describe how you’ve attributed something innate in you, your headstrong strong willed behaviour as a child & anger in your 20’s - to your mum needing to boundary herself away from you & keep you at arms length in some way. This faulty rationalisation may be one of many, that you had to construct, in order to make sense of such confusing & painful events, & to enable you to maintain the connection with & ensure you still saw your mum.

It’s more likely that your behaviour at this time was in direct response to the separation & abandonment you were experiencing (even though your mum did her best through a tragic situation) & wholly understandable & normal given the circumstances. You were not the problem that needed separating from (even if you were potentially difficult or challenging fo be around). The separation & abandonment was.

Understandably you’ve internalised it as evidence of you being innately unworthy or unlovable in some way & this is contributing to your feelings of guilt that are mixed up in all of this.

Anyone trying to tell you none of this, or your actions during your mother’s ill health, is any of your fault - will probably not go very far to you truly being able to believe it - yet.

Reflecting, verbalising & writing will help you though & so therapy too may do when you’re ready.

Do know that it’s very common to feel we could have done more, should have said x, pushed for more tests, doctors, treatments etc in (even in - if there are such things - as straightforward bereavement situations). Naturally for you these are amplified by all the anguish & pain that separation & abandonment has already been for you before having to attempt to navigate this huge loss.

Try to be kind to yourself as you plough through this. It’s good that airing it & expressing things is helpful. I think a professional would be able to help guide you through it & help you make sense of your feelings better 💐

Your ‘mother’ has done a real number on you. None of this is your fault.

You prioritized your own needs. Just as your mother clearly prioritized hers over yours. You owe her nothing and have nothing to be guilty about.

I hit the wrong button sorry
You are not a shit daughter and it wasn't your fault she died x

No she was an adult capable of making her own decisions. She didn't get them right. That's on her.

Detach yourself - your self worth is not dependent on her actions anymore.

I think you have an unusual view of how a parent- child relationship usually operates, of course that's not your fault, just due to your experience.

Most parent - child relationships revolve almost completely around what the child needs and wants, often at great expense of the parent (in my experience).
I wonder if you think you 'let her down' because you thought it was your responsibility to put her needs first. That is really not the case, almost all parents would rather suffer themselves in order for their child to have what they need.

You did not 'let her down' in putting your own needs first (though it doesn't really sound like you did that.) That is exactly what children should do.

If she 'knew' there was something lacking in you, but that 'lack' was your ability to put her needs above your own, then it sounds like that was not a fair expectation on her part.

Did your siblings always put her needs above their own?

I think you're being way too hard on yourself. You were not brought up in ideal circumstances. It is natural to want answers as to 'why', but out of respect for your mum you didn't want to push the issue. Growing up likely you lashed out due to feeling hurt, confused and abandoned, and you did the best you could as a daughter to love your mother despite the pain caused to you, which was completely out of your control when you were not part of the close family environment. At times you had to put your own health and needs first, and this is making you feel guilty because your mother for reasons she didn't explain to you put her needs first when she allowed you to be raised by your grandparents. If I had no answers for it I would feel confused too in your situation. You mentioned that you also have other siblings, so they could have stepped in to help your mother as well. They grew up with her. You did what you could. Try not to feel guilty. When you consider the experiences you've had to deal with you have proved yourself to be very strong indeed. I think you should go for counselling to unravel all these emotions you are going through. You are also still grieving as well. Try not to be hard on yourself, you're only human.

Just another thought, maybe you prioritised your needs over hers (rightly in my eyes) because she taught you so well that that's what you do. She always put her needs above yours. Don't live with me, don't question my opinion etc.

I wasn't a scapegoat, no. I was brought up having it drummed into me that I was clever (lol) and very talented at several things, so wasn't told I was stupid or worthless or anything like that.

No, but you were taught you were too much and that you weren't allowed to feel your feelings. Being valued for achievements is no substitute for just feeling loved and wanted.

None of this was your fault.

You are so NOT being unreasonable! You're not a shit daughter, but I'd argue that her parenting skills were shocking. No parent should make their child feel like this. No wonder you're still trying to work through those feelings years later
I think if your mum had no other children and chose to live alone - with you living with your grandparents - I could just about get my head around it. But that wasn't the case.

I think your Mum was very very lucky to have such a wonderful Daughter that didn't turn her back on her. Many in your position would not have lifted a finger to help your Mum but you did and that shows you are a wonderful person. Your Mother made her choices, she obviously liked everything her own way. Remember the good times you had with her and forget the rest. Please enjoy the life you deserve

I agree, it is possible to feel that your achievements were valued or only certain attributes of yourself were valued yet at the same time feel YOU were not valued.

This is s really sad thread to read. All your defence of your mother and taking all this blame is just heartbreaking 💔
I think you need more than a grief counsellor, but not sure what best to recommend. Take care of yourself, none of this is your fault - not her dying, and definitely not her leaving you with your GP as a baby.

I voted YANBU but that's because I believe that it's not unreasonable to feel like that. I lost my mum when I was in my late 20's. I'm still feeling guilty that I didn't push her into asking for chemotherapy. They were due to start the day she was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour.

So YANBU for feeling like this. YABU for believing it is true.

I agree. What is very important to understand is that when you have a toxic parent who was abusive towards you, and you keep defending their actions, you may ultimately use your own children as a dumping ground for your unresolved issues.

I say this, because I've been on the receiving end of it from my own mother. Who is intensely critical of me, when it should be her abusive mother whom she directs her anger at. Instead, she makes endless excuses for her mother and tells me that I am the one who made her unhappy.

For myself, I've had extensive counselling so that I can minimise the possibility that I project any of this onto my own children.