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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it my fault she died?

236 replies

howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:26

I really love my mum. However I did not grow up with her, I grew up with my grandparents (saw my mum every week) and we did not have a conventional mother daughter relationship as a result. There was pain and hurt there when I was a young adult at times, although we had loads of fun together too.

She preferred to have firm boundaries around me, I think. I was always welcome for visits but her house wasn't my home. I am ashamed of this because it's childish and pathetic but I craved being 100% fully wanted by her and felt such deep shame that she didn't want me living with her. My siblings lived with her and it's like a blank space in my mind that can't work out why I was not "worth it" on the same level as they were.

I know this is just nonsense obviously as an adult and don't believe that has anything to do with my worth - but sometimes it still hits me over the head and I just feel so ashamed and distressed. It embarrasses me.

We developed a great relationship later on. However, by this time I had grown up and learned how to enjoy the relationship for all the good things it was, and let go of the rest.

But a big part of this was never, ever arguing with my mum or pressing my opinion on her - I think she always felt I was too pushy and demanding and put my own wants and needs first. I reckon I was guilty of that for years as was demanding, always needing support. I am 100% aware that I was a shit person in that respect.

When she got sick she was very appreciative of my support which I was glad to do, but I was always too afraid to argue with her and push her. She was very keen to explore all options which we did together and did a virtual appointment with a very good doctor, but I didn't push her to move to a bigger hospital.

Maybe if I had REALLY pushed her, she would have gone and even if she had stopped talking to me, she might still be alive?

The other thing is maybe I should have been pushier about going to her town and actually going with her to appointments but again I was afraid. There was nowhere for me to stay and due to my own disability I can't drive.

But really - I prioritised my own disability and my own health. Having no access to my own doctors and things I need to manage my own health makes my own disability worse so I just put myself first. Again, if I had navigated things in a better way, would she possibly still be alive?

Am I just a shit daughter?

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 03/03/2023 19:53

The thing with grief is we always think 'what if?' But ultimately we aren't responsible for other people. I can sense the hurt in your post. I agree with others that counselling would benefit you.

Original poster
howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:54

If you had a good relationship in adult life I would try to remember that

Yes I do, but I don't feel I deserved it because in the end i let her down. That's what it feels like.

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 03/03/2023 19:55

Your mother's choices, whatever the reason she made them, whether they were justified or not, are neither your fault nor your responsibility.

Original poster
howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:57

I think it feels like - I loved her, but in the end I let her down and didn't put her first. So in retrospect it makes sense, that she always knew on some level, that there was something lacking in me, so that was why I wasn't "worth it" and although she loved me she didn't put me first.

Wow. Is that the truth of it all?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 03/03/2023 19:58

You didn't let her down. You had the relationship she wanted to build with you. She didn't want you to challenge her which is why you didn't feel comfortable doing so.

You could easily have walked away and left her alone to fend for herself and you didn't. You were a wonderful daughter despite all the hurt.

None of this is your fault. You're a better person that I would have been.

caringcarer · 03/03/2023 19:58

howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:38

But it doesn't count as rejection does it? Not when she visited every week or I visited them in the holidays.

Lots of kids have a similar set up with their dad, don't they? And nobody would consider they are rejected.

Honestly though I feel I was not fully rejected but not fully wanted. Sort of halfway? Is that just me being negative?

The fact she looks looked your siblings but not you is a rejection of you at your most vulnerable, when you were a child. Thank goodness for your grandparents. You are a wonderful human being to have forgiven your Mum. I know many could not have. Forgiven. This has left a lifelong scar on you. Try to build relationships with your siblings. This was not their choose either. I hope you have people in your life who have your back and recognise the loving person you are. Get some therapy to help you process your Mum's rejection of you as a child. You have been a far better daughter to your Mum than she was Mother to you. Take care of yourself.

SettingPrecedents · 03/03/2023 19:58

It is absolutely not your fault she died. You were always worth loving, you were always worth putting first, for some reason she wasn’t able to do that. But that has no bearing on your worth as a person, you absolutely deserved all your mum’s love.

Circumferences · 03/03/2023 19:59

When did she kick you out and move you in with your grandparents?
Was she a teenaged mum too young to deal with parenting or something? An addict?
I just don't understand why a mother would do that to her child.

3WildOnes · 03/03/2023 20:00

I know you don't want people to acknowledge that she failed you but I dont think you will ever be truly be at peace until unless you acknowledge that she failed you. She failed to make you feel secure in her unconditional love for you. Im so sorry that you have taken on the blame for this when it is down to her.

3WildOnes · 03/03/2023 20:02

howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:57

I think it feels like - I loved her, but in the end I let her down and didn't put her first. So in retrospect it makes sense, that she always knew on some level, that there was something lacking in me, so that was why I wasn't "worth it" and although she loved me she didn't put me first.

Wow. Is that the truth of it all?

That is not the truth and I hope you know deep down that it is not. Get some therapy and let out all that anger inside you that you seem to have turned inwards.

Summerhillsquare · 03/03/2023 20:02

Look up the Power, Threat, Meaning framework. It moves us away from questions like, "what is wrong with you? " to "what happened to you? ". I think it might help.

Letstaketotheskies · 03/03/2023 20:03

OP, many many adults who did live with their mums or with both parents as children find it difficult when their parents get old and/or ill and don’t make the medical decisions that they feel they would in the same position or that would prolong their life as much as possible.
Children are never responsible for the decisions of their parents.
Even when you’re dealing with something like dementia, where towards the end of a person’s life they may have delegated responsibility for such decisions to someone they trust, the idea is still to honor the wishes of the patient before they lost capacity - which again might mean refusing some medical treatments.
I’m sorry you’ve recently lost your mother. Nothing about her medical decisions is your fault or your responsibility. None of it.

drpet49 · 03/03/2023 20:03

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 03/03/2023 19:31

Absolutely not, but she sure was a shit mother. Not sure I would even mourn her loss if I were you, let alone feel guilty for her decisions!

This

creekingmillenial · 03/03/2023 20:04

howcaniknow · 03/03/2023 19:40

Please can people not say she failed as a mother or was shit. She wasn't shit, I loved her so much and I did feel loved. Just confused as to why I wasn't fully wanted.

My head is so tired of trying to understand.

Most kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Plenty of kids who are in care for good reasons adore their parents. It’s possible to fully love her whilst acknowledging that she didn’t treat you the way she should of and that wasn’t acceptable nor was it your fault. It doesn’t stop the love at all, love isn’t that simple.

Grieving a complicated relationship is often harder. Please go and see a counsellor. I’ve seen one several times about issues with my parents, who are largely good people who did their absolute best. Your parent doesn’t need to be a monster to have fucked up.

Aranan · 03/03/2023 20:06

Whatever the reason for raising your siblings and not you were entirely on her. You were a child. You did nothing wrong.

Whether she was too young when she had you but not them; or whether you came when she was already stressed out or too poor with older kids; or you were the result of an unhappy relationship. These are her inadequacies not yours.

FakeBilly · 03/03/2023 20:06

Oh, OP, none of this is your fault. You should talk to a good therapist — there’s a lot to untangle here. You don’t need to say on here, but do you understand the circumstances that led to you, but not your siblings, being raised by your grandparents? It sounds to me that you absorbed the message that you were only acceptable to your mother if you weren’t ‘too much’, so you held back for fear of further rejection, and now you’re blaming yourself for her death because you didn’t push her into different treatments etc?

Do you have a relationship with your siblings? What about your dad?

category12 · 03/03/2023 20:08

Crikey, she really let YOU down as a child and you've spent a lot of your life trying to make good with her. None of this is your fault.

Boomboom22 · 03/03/2023 20:10

Just so you know op I think the vote is very unclear. I voted yabu for feeling blame as it is not your fault. But first said yanbu as I think it's not your fault you feel this way and so those saying yanbu probably also feel this way. You didn't do anything wrong as a child she just couldn't cope with you. Not you, her. Maybe she was young or there are things you don't know about if your siblings have a different dad. Maybe she had an episode while pregnant you don't know about. Not your fault as a child or now.

Kittlbua · 03/03/2023 20:12

Why did you live with your grandmother instead of your mother?
That's a crucial bit of information really which you have not included in your posts.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/03/2023 20:12

Op. If you haven't engaged with a very experienced therapist to deal with this, I'd really advise that you do. Your mum, love her though you do, has done a massive number on you.

She has also very cleverly made you feel 100% responsible for all the failures in your relationship without seemingly taking any responsibility on herself.

Im guessing you don't have kids of your own?

Bluey18 · 03/03/2023 20:14

OP I'm so sorry you lost your mum and for all you've had to experience. You do seem to turn around any negative outcome of her behaviour/choices to be your fault. She doesn't want me living with her because I'm not worth it. She won't have a relationship with me unless I always agree with her because I'm too demanding. She died because I didn't do enough for her. None of those negative thoughts you have about yourself are true, please recognise that.

I'm sorry, I know you love your mum immensely and I'm sure she loved you too. But she did not always treat you well. Its not fair that she has left you with these feelings. You didn't fail her, geez you are about as far away from that as possible. You tried over and over again, you changed yourself to make a relationship with her work. I get it I really do! I went through similar and I tend to blame myself for many things that I couldn't possibly have prevented. None of this is your fault.

Please be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. Remember your mum in whatever way brings you the most comfort but don't forget that she was a flawed human (like most of us) and that you are NOT responsible for her actions/decisions.

Marzipangirl3 · 03/03/2023 20:14

Sorry OP, I’ve just voted YANBU but wanted to explain. YANBU to question everything but the answer is a simple no. You are no more responsible for her death and for her care whilst she was alive than you are responsible for her treatment towards you as a child.
YABU to blame yourself for this and harbour anymore negativity linked to your mother.

Wishing you the happiest future, you deserve it.

Eyerollcentral · 03/03/2023 20:14

You need specialist counselling to help you deal with the parental rejection you have internalised which is now manifesting in letting her down. It’s absolutely not the same for non resident parents to see their child at the weekend and your mum to leave you with your grandparents whilst she had her other children with her. Why did she do that? Have you ever had counselling? There’s a lot of trauma to unpack there

Fireflies23 · 03/03/2023 20:16

It sounds as an adult you tried to make it up to her. But that wasn’t your job. She was the adult, you were the child. It was down to her to make it up to you. It doesn’t sound as if she tried to do that. You seem to think it was your fault. It wasn’t it was her job to parent you. Can you have therapy?

Kittlbua · 03/03/2023 20:17

Maybe if I had REALLY pushed her, she would have gone and even if she had stopped talking to me, she might still be alive?
She's a grown woman. It was up to her to decide whether she wanted to go to the bigger hospital or not. This is not your responsibility.

The other thing is maybe I should have been pushier about going to her town and actually going with her to appointments but again I was afraid. There was nowhere for me to stay and due to my own disability I can't drive
Again, she's a grown woman who could go to her appointments herself. If she didn't have transport she could have called a taxi. What were your siblings doing while all of this was going on?

But really - I prioritised my own disability and my own health. Having no access to my own doctors and things I need to manage my own health makes my own disability worse so I just put myself first. Again, if I had navigated things in a better way, would she possibly still be alive?
You should prioritise your own disability and own health. You know in aeroplane safety demos they say "Fit your own oxygen mask before helping others". There's a reason for that. If you pass out due to lack of oxygen you have not only harmed yourself but are then incapable of helping anyone else.
Same thing here with your disability.

You are not responsible. She was fully responsible for her own health and her own decisions about which appointments to attend and which treatment to consider and the choice of hospital. Absolutely none of this was down to you to solve. I doubt anything would have made much difference to the ultimate outcome - what was she suffering from?