Was it my fault she died?

[howcaniknow]

I really love my mum. However I did not grow up with her, I grew up with my grandparents (saw my mum every week) and we did not have a conventional mother daughter relationship as a result. There was pain and hurt there when I was a young adult at times, although we had loads of fun together too.

She preferred to have firm boundaries around me, I think. I was always welcome for visits but her house wasn't my home. I am ashamed of this because it's childish and pathetic but I craved being 100% fully wanted by her and felt such deep shame that she didn't want me living with her. My siblings lived with her and it's like a blank space in my mind that can't work out why I was not "worth it" on the same level as they were.

I know this is just nonsense obviously as an adult and don't believe that has anything to do with my worth - but sometimes it still hits me over the head and I just feel so ashamed and distressed. It embarrasses me.

We developed a great relationship later on. However, by this time I had grown up and learned how to enjoy the relationship for all the good things it was, and let go of the rest.

But a big part of this was never, ever arguing with my mum or pressing my opinion on her - I think she always felt I was too pushy and demanding and put my own wants and needs first. I reckon I was guilty of that for years as was demanding, always needing support. I am 100% aware that I was a shit person in that respect.

When she got sick she was very appreciative of my support which I was glad to do, but I was always too afraid to argue with her and push her. She was very keen to explore all options which we did together and did a virtual appointment with a very good doctor, but I didn't push her to move to a bigger hospital.

Maybe if I had REALLY pushed her, she would have gone and even if she had stopped talking to me, she might still be alive?

The other thing is maybe I should have been pushier about going to her town and actually going with her to appointments but again I was afraid. There was nowhere for me to stay and due to my own disability I can't drive.

But really - I prioritised my own disability and my own health. Having no access to my own doctors and things I need to manage my own health makes my own disability worse so I just put myself first. Again, if I had navigated things in a better way, would she possibly still be alive?

Am I just a shit daughter?

No, you’re definitely not a shit daughter.

What happened can’t be changed, and you can’t let ‘what ifs’ haunt you for the rest of your life.

I speak from experience with my own mother, as medical professionals persuaded me to put a ‘do not resuscitate’ on her records towards the end of her life, and I have often wondered if this was the right decision.

Fortunately, someone recently said to me “You can’t think like that”, and that would also be my advice to you.

Self care is also very important - if you had not been mindful of your own well-being, you may not have been capable of helping and supporting her to the extent that you did.

When I was younger I saw a counsellor as I couldn't move past something that was controlling my thoughts 24/7. One thing he said to me has stuck with me all these years on and it is that you cant change the past but you can change the future and present, learning to accept something as just having happened and allowing yourself to be free of guilt was liberating for me. I hope you can find some peace and acceptance too. Sometimes life is hard and can cause us to focus on what ifs instead of taking each day as a new chance to move on and make your current life more enjoyable x

Hello its sounds like you are at the Bargaining stage of grief.
During grief, you may feel vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event.

In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and “if only” statements.

Bargaining is a line of defense against the emotions of grief. It helps you postpone the sadness and confusion.

I hope the above info helps op. And I just want to tell you, you didnt deserve to be treated in the way you described by your mum. Im so sorry this happened to you.

Understanding grief is realizing that no ones experiences is the same. Its very personal, and you may feel something different every time. You may need several weeks, or Im afraid may be years long.

If you decide you need help coping, try talking about your feelings to a friend, family member, health professional or counsellor – you could also contact a support organisation such as Cruse Bereavement Care in the UK or call: 0808 808 1677

Coming back to my thread as I'm a little worried something odd is happening to me.

You know when you're a small child, if you are away from home and you really, really miss your mother/ maternal person? In my experience it's a physical sensation as well as emotional, a sort of twisting in your stomach.

I used to get that feeling when separated from my grandmother, I don't ever really remember having this feeling for my mum as a child.

But I'm having it now for my mum, as a thirtysomething year old grown adult woman. It's a horrible sensation that I've quite literally not felt for years, not since I was a child. A deep physical anguish.

I'm not feeling it right now but just the memory of it is making me cry on and off. I feel like there is something wrong with me, like in this aspect my emotions have gone back in time or something.

You're grieving. It isn't odd. You're not just grieving for your mom and what you would have liked it to be. Losing someone brings up passed grief too. I suggest you contact CRUSE and have some counselling. It is free and you have nothing to lose. They are incredibly good. I have seen them. I didn't think they could help. They did. The link to the website is below.

www.cruse.org.uk/

Sorry that sounds so hard. I think your DM must have been good at compartmentalizing/ hiding her feelings. And deep sound, you must feel a level of rejection (even though you feel there were reasons you didn't live with your DM).

One very hard thing, I've found, is having a parent who you have mixed feelings about. It's hard for the brain to accept someone can contain both good and bad.

How do you talk to a therapist about some of these private feelings? It's ok to discuss here on an anonymous forum. But I can't see myself talking about this physical longing for my mum like I'm a small child!

It's embarrassing because I'm too old for this shit. Sure we had a complex relationship but surely I should not be feeling this? I've had literally years and am not stuck feeling like this on an everyday basis. I get that grief is the trigger but it's panicking me, I feel emotionally inadequate.

You need to find the right therapist for you, whom you feel is not judging anything you say. Their job is to get you to figure everything out, to give you support but never to judge you and you will feel that you trust them.

I had an absolutely wonderful therapist. The therapy was hard and I cried many tears but she helped me so much. Before I found her, I had other horrible therapists who I did not like. One told me there was no such thing as depression.

You need someone empathetic. Don't feel that you are too old - nobody ever is and most of us have scars from childhood.

Talking therapy with the right person has this amazing effect of talking out loud and listening to yourself, it leads to understanding things in a different way. Good therapy is a great way of looking after yourself, a wonderful gift.
You did your best in a difficult situation; if you had pushed you might have alienated her, if you didn’t push she might not have had a treatment that might have helped. A no-win situation.
How about: if you had pushed she might have dug her heels in and seen less of you, or if you were supportive and let her make her own decisions she would feel you were with her no matter what she chose? You made the right choice. Everyone has their own path in dealing with illness.

You're not alone with this. Hell, I'm a nana, with 4 adult children in their 30s. I'm still dealing with my sh*t from life/childhood and going back into therapy in April from yet another layer of therapy I need.

I said to my Dr the same recently, which was "FFS I've spent the last 20 years in and out of therapy cos of childhood stuff. I thought I would be done with this stuff by now. " After yet another trauma breakdown, so I get you.

You aren't going yo know how to deal with it until you try it.

I try and look at this stuff as if it were physical. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't question the treatment. You would let them do it. That's one analogy. You won't know the therapist either.

It's your shout to either stay in where you are or try something new. I wish you well. I know it isn't easy.

One last thing: I found journaling daily very helpful. I got my thoughts out of my head on paper, which makes a lot of difference. I still use this technique regularly

Trust your instincts. You are very clear here when people misunderstand. You know how you feel and you know when the feedback you are getting ‘fits’ or when it makes you feel bad. It’s the same with a therapist: if the feedback isn’t helpful maybe you need someone different.
A good therapist will help you find a way to talk - that’s part of the job. You don’t have to worry about that.

Also - I think your mother’s difficulty was with her mother, your grandmother. Not with you. Her mother overrode her wishes, wouldn’t trust her to look after you even though she was proving she could, and refused when she asked. Your mother visited you very frequently and consistently even though she felt suffocated by your grandmother and must have had a complicated relationship with her.