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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
UdoU · 03/03/2023 13:26

YANBU. I would come down with a cold and say you will no longer be going.

Please stop cooking for him and his guests. If he invites anyone again, just make sure you go out and leave him to it.

That's the only way he'll learn.

MXVIT · 03/03/2023 13:27

but you'd offered to drive anyway then agreed to taking them? its not like he offered them a lift on your behalf without telling you then said "oh btw youll need to drive because..."

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 13:28

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

That's 100% what I'd do.
I'm petty as fuck.

steff13 · 03/03/2023 13:29

Certainly they'll see that you're driving and thank you personally.

Targetted · 03/03/2023 13:29

I'd say on the group chat "Oi DP, does that mean you're driving now?" or similar.

It seems to odd to me that you wouldn't just correct him.

Trisolaris · 03/03/2023 13:29

Surely, they all thank you in person when you are the one who cooks though? And they will all thank you in person when they see you are the one who is driving?

i.e it’s not like they won’t see who is actually doing the work and he will end up with the credit?

He should tell them though I agree

honeylulu · 03/03/2023 13:29

I was going to say post in the group chat saying "actually you can thank me as it's me driving lol". But I think I like @Magenta82 idea better!

Bonbon21 · 03/03/2023 13:30

I would post on the group chat..
'just to confirm what time I will be picking you up'.... love thebluehen.x

Men eh??

Targetted · 03/03/2023 13:31

Although actually, messages saying:

"We can give you a lift if you like"

"Thanks that's great"

Are perfectly normal too and they'll know who actually does the driving and thank you on the night.

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2023 13:32

They’re thanking him for the offer - he made the offer to them.

‘Hey friends, do you want a life tomorrow?’
’Cheers mate, that would be great, thanks.’

On the night they’ll thank you for doing the driving.

The inviting people for dinner but not cooking or checking first would piss me off more.

Codlingmoths · 03/03/2023 13:32

I probably wouldn’t take it to the chat, but I’d say to Dh: oh are you driving now? Great I wondered if you’d ever notice how much of the driving I do when there’s a drink in the offing.

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 13:33

I mean he could have said “bluehen has offered to drive” but it will be quite obvious who is driving when the time comes and so I don’t think he really needs to go back to them to clarify now.

Inviting people for dinner without telling you and then not shopping or cooking is more annoying.

PennyForearm · 03/03/2023 13:33

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 13:28

That's 100% what I'd do.
I'm petty as fuck.

Show quote history

Me too.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 13:33

The lift thing is no issue, they will know who is driving when they get in the car.

The dinner thing is much worse - if my DH ever did that I would just say 'oh, sorry, I had already arranged to see <imaginary friend>' and be out.

He sounds like a twat but you sound like a pushover.

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:34

I have actually said to him it would be nice if he could correct them in the group chat. He hasn't done so.

OP posts:
roseheartfly · 03/03/2023 13:35

I think that there are bigger issues than this. They will literally see that it is you who is driving.

Surely just as a couple you are helping out?

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 13:35

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:34

I have actually said to him it would be nice if he could correct them in the group chat. He hasn't done so.

He doesn’t need to. They will spot that you are the driver. 🤷‍♀️

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 13:35

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:34

I have actually said to him it would be nice if he could correct them in the group chat. He hasn't done so.

Start acting on your own behalf. Post yourself if it matters too you.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 13:35

FFS OP

they will thank you as they’re getting out of the car

let me take a punt… you and your partner don’t otherwise have a good relationship?

please reassure us that no children are involved in a scenario where their mother gets pissed off about this kind of nonsense?

Singularity82 · 03/03/2023 13:36

This is so weird. Such a small thing to be get up over. Why don’t you just correct them yourself?

OldTinHat · 03/03/2023 13:37

Group chat: Hi all, just to confirm, it's me driving and picking you up, not DP, just so you know what car to look out for...

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 03/03/2023 13:37

Yes it's annoying and yes it's disrespectful. I like the idea where he DOES drive and you get a drink!

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2023 13:38

Did you want him to literally say ‘Bluehen has offered to drive everyone tomorrow night’? That would be weird in our relationship- it would be a ‘we’ offer to pick them up. The actual driver is irrelevant.

If you wanted the specific credit why not do the offering in the group chat yourself?

Singularity82 · 03/03/2023 13:38

Also if it’s an issue, why do you keep offering lifts? Stop martyring yourself.