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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 03/03/2023 15:24

Your husband is the type to take the credit for other people's effort.

What does he do workwise ?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 15:25

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:51

Because he offers for them to come to our house for "tea" which isn't the same as offering to go out to dinner. I then refuse because he hasn't run it past me, he sulks and then reluctantly asks them out for dinner instead, which I'm sure makes me look like the bad guy in the invitees head but hey ho.

Show quote history

But inviting them over for tea can also be a takeaway which you say he gets and pays for. If he explicitly invites them saying you will cook for them then I get your point and that is wrong of him but if he is just inviting them for tea then fine just order a takeaway

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 15:26

@WidthofaLine He's in a project manager type of position. So yes, used to others doing the donkey work whilst he gets the praise!

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 03/03/2023 15:28

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 15:26

@WidthofaLine He's in a project manager type of position. So yes, used to others doing the donkey work whilst he gets the praise!

It says it all.

OhwhyOY · 03/03/2023 15:31

I'd just tell him outright it's annoying you that he's not giving credit where it's due or engaging you in the decision making process (e.g. dinner), and say if it happens again you will stop cooking for him altogether/offering to drive etc. It's the being taken for granted thing that's the real problem here isn't it? Tell him that. If he thanks you genuinely every time and respects you more, you won't care if someone else thanks him, it's because you're feeling generally underapperciated.

BigFatLiar · 03/03/2023 15:33

The dinner thing is wrong. Inviting guests should be a joint thing, you could of course invite some of your friends to a night in on the same night.

As for the lift I suspect they're thanking hom because he posted the offer if it matters to you then next time you post the offer.

Poor old OH here has the problem that he doesn't drink so he's the permanent designated driver.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 15:38

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 15:25

But inviting them over for tea can also be a takeaway which you say he gets and pays for. If he explicitly invites them saying you will cook for them then I get your point and that is wrong of him but if he is just inviting them for tea then fine just order a takeaway

Show quote history

That's exactly what does happen. More typically they go out for a meal and DH pays.

OP never actually does any of these dinners, she's just cross at the suggestion. But is then further cross that she looks like the "bad guy" for not cooking.

I think she thinks this occupies other people's headspace and thought processes a lot more than the reality.

Jim, with Jane next to him, invites Bob and Mary over for a meal.
Jane doesn't say at the time, but is annoyed. Later, alone, she says, "Jim, I really don't want to cook, you could have asked before inviting them round"
Jim phones Bob and Mary "Actually, do you guys fancy trying that new Thai on the high street? I'll book a table for 4, Friday? 8pm?"

Bob and Mary are looking forward to the Thai.
Jim is looking forward to the Thai.

Jane is further cross with Jim for now making her the bad guy who doesn't cook. Jane hasn't even crossed Bob and Mary's mind. She's inventing this "bad guy" position for herself that doesn't exist, then getting cross at Jim about it as well.

Delatron · 03/03/2023 15:38

I voted YANBU but thinking about it, it does sound a bit martyrish - do you want to drive? If so you do so without worrying about everyone being so grateful. Or just all share a cab and then you won’t be resentful.

FrenchandSaunders · 03/03/2023 15:40

Will they all be necking the beer/wine/cocktails, whilst you nurse a coke for the evening, then expect the bill to be split equally?

ancientgran · 03/03/2023 15:41

If it matters to you it would have been better if you had gone on and made the offer. He's offered them a lift and they've thanked him. Seems perfectly normal to me. I'm sure they will thank you when you actually give them a lift.

Delatron · 03/03/2023 15:41

Why do you always drive? It’s clearly not your turn. Unless you’re happy with one drink/not drinking every time. Share a taxi or it’s someone else’s turn.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 15:44

I can just imagine the cats bum face that the Op will be displaying throughout this evening.

I wish I could give These guests the heads up that they’ll be walking in to a tense home whereby the op is stuck in martyrdom with a partner who either knows how to intentionally piss her off after 20 years together or is blissfully unaware why his partner is stewing at him(and who could blame him)

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 15:45

And yet, friends still assume it's him driving?! Why? Yes, they'll thank me on the night and next time they will thank him for offering to drive again.

they probably assume that you are a loving team.

how wrong are they?!

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 15:46

You don’t seem to really like these guests either

mewkins · 03/03/2023 15:46

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

So would I 😄

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:47

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 15:26

@WidthofaLine He's in a project manager type of position. So yes, used to others doing the donkey work whilst he gets the praise!

Do you actually like him?

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 03/03/2023 15:49

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 15:21

Oh - there's a big difference between the glider thing and OP's non issue.

@Mistymoonsinastarrysky your DH volunteered something that you would both do together at home, knowing full well he'd play no part, then turn up with said items as if he did the lot himself. That's taking credit and being a cheeky git.

OP's husband has messaged another couple "We'll drive" to which, they've said thank you for the offer, to the DH, as OP didn't say anything at all. And on the night, OP will be in the driver seat and they'll thank her then. It's a total non issue.

@TwinsAndTiramisu the wings were each 20m long!,

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 15:49

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:34

I have actually said to him it would be nice if he could correct them in the group chat. He hasn't done so.

Don't know why you wouldn't do it and call him out for being a cheeky bastard.

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 15:52

He's probably bringing his work persona home then.

Why can't you just talk to him? ie "look bluecock, from now on, couldn't you just say, 'would you like a lift, bluehen is driving'" if getting the credit for driving means that much to you?! Don't imagine anyone looking at their FB memories in a year's time and saying, "oh god, remember 4 March 2023 when bluehen drove!!"

The cooking one is more annoying but at least he doesn't insist that you have to cook when you say you don't want to do it!! If you do agree to cook, delegate tasks to him, eg "bluecock, I need you to call in Tescos on your way home from work and pick up x,y,z for dinner tomorrow night? And can you do the hoovering while I put the dinner on?"

Surely he can't object? Work as a team???

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 15:52

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 15:49

Don't know why you wouldn't do it and call him out for being a cheeky bastard.

Show quote history

Because that would be petty and embarrassing for everybody involved?

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 15:58

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 15:52

Because that would be petty and embarrassing for everybody involved?

Show quote history

Why?

AuntieJoyce · 03/03/2023 15:58

Logburnerperils · 03/03/2023 14:17

This is the biggest non issue I have seen on here today and that is saying something.

Never a truer word. I think OP is having us all on.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/03/2023 16:00

I’d suddenly become unavailable. Or say, no it’s someone else’s turn to drive.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 16:03

I don't think OP can see the difference between an offer and the actual act.

DH offered "We'll drive" As in, "one of us will drive". And they replied (to him as he's the one that said it) "Thanks" (for the offer that one of you two will drive)

She now thinks, her DH has "credit" for driving, despite the fact they will see it's her on the night. He's being thanked for offer that covers both of you.

You need to work on why you are so cross that someone thanked your DH for a joint offer made on behalf of both of you.

To actually think the right thing to do, is get him to state in the group chat "You must not thank me for our offer, but directly OP. As I spoke as a team and used the word 'we' she was robbed of her individual credit in advance" is beyond cringy.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 16:05

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 16:03

I don't think OP can see the difference between an offer and the actual act.

DH offered "We'll drive" As in, "one of us will drive". And they replied (to him as he's the one that said it) "Thanks" (for the offer that one of you two will drive)

She now thinks, her DH has "credit" for driving, despite the fact they will see it's her on the night. He's being thanked for offer that covers both of you.

You need to work on why you are so cross that someone thanked your DH for a joint offer made on behalf of both of you.

To actually think the right thing to do, is get him to state in the group chat "You must not thank me for our offer, but directly OP. As I spoke as a team and used the word 'we' she was robbed of her individual credit in advance" is beyond cringy.

@MasterBeth That's why