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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
GooglyEyeballs · 03/03/2023 14:03

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

Please do this OP, it'll give us all a laugh!

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/03/2023 14:03

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

I love this response. @thebluehen you should do this and then post us a description of the expression on his face when he reads it 😁

Growlybear83 · 03/03/2023 14:04

I don't understand the issue - your friends will see that you're driving and not him.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 14:04

UdoU · 03/03/2023 14:01

I think people are disregarding this key bit in the OP:

and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

So these 'friends' know very well it's OP driving as she is his regular designated driver, but they are thanking her DH whilst dismissing her.

I really would not go to these drinks. Or if they're such good friends, one of them can pick DH and OP up.

I am not missing it but if someone messaged me offering me a lift I would thank them. Thanking their partner instead of them would come across as a bit strange and rude. Potentially they could thank the two of you together but it’s not that big a deal.
If you don’t want to sacrifice drinking to give a lift then don’t offer next time.

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/03/2023 14:05

See, if these were my friends we were meeting and DH offered to drive I'd tell them "we'll give you a lift" and they'll probably say thanks to me. I'd find it a bit cringy to go on the chat and put them right as if DH was doing a big act of self-sacrifice that needs to be particularly acknowledged.

Shimmermetimbers · 03/03/2023 14:05

Have you spoken to him about how all this makes you feel?

I tend to agree with the poster who said stop being a doormat, I don't mean to be unkind but it does seem that way.

The group chat isn't really the issue here, it's you feeling disrespected. Hopefully a good chat will sort it out but if not, you really need to communicate each time until he gets the message that you won't be doing these things.

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:08

I think next time I offer to give a lift, I need to be the one to message them. On thinking about it he is always wanting to message days and days ahead and gets quite anxious about having a plan, so I think I just let him message because it stops his anxiety about it. Me posting in the group chat now probably looks petty and I don't want to involve the friends as it's not really their problem. They will acknowledge me on the night, I'm sure.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 03/03/2023 14:11

You sound like a martyr

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 14:12

I’ve not voted as the lift thing wouldn’t bother me as I think it would be a bit weird to correct them that it’s actually you driving.

You are willing to drive them and can message in the group chat that you’ll pick them up at X time so they’re aware.

However, the inviting people to dinner but not cooking would really annoy me.

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 14:14

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:08

I think next time I offer to give a lift, I need to be the one to message them. On thinking about it he is always wanting to message days and days ahead and gets quite anxious about having a plan, so I think I just let him message because it stops his anxiety about it. Me posting in the group chat now probably looks petty and I don't want to involve the friends as it's not really their problem. They will acknowledge me on the night, I'm sure.

Why is it so important to you that they know in advance that it is you who will be driving? I really get you on the dinner invitation matter, but this I can honestly make no sense of whatsoever. Once again. THEY WILL SEE IT IS YOU DRIVING.

2023Hope · 03/03/2023 14:15

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

😂

Logburnerperils · 03/03/2023 14:17

This is the biggest non issue I have seen on here today and that is saying something.

Inertia · 03/03/2023 14:18

I think next time it’ll be someone else’s turn.

For today I would probably post something along the lines of no problem, I was driving anyway so more than happy to pick you up on the way at x time. Next time the arrangements start, DP or on of the other couples can drive.

Inviting people for dinner without checking or helping would piss me right off- it certainly wouldn’t happen twice. Next time I would say what a shame, I’m out that night and leave him to sort it.

BishopRock · 03/03/2023 14:19

Forget the driving, that's easily fixed when they see you behind the wheel. Good idea to be the one who does the messaging first next time.

The dinner thing, on the other hand - stop doing it. You're behaving like a doormat accepting it, then like a martyr moaning about something you choose to do.

whatadayforadaydream · 03/03/2023 14:22

this is being a bit pedantic isn't it? How did the coversation go? Surely they are thanking him for the offer, which he made. So e.g. "ok great, 7 at the Curry house", "sure, we can pick you up on the way if that helps?" "That would be great Steve, thanks"

In that case it would be pretty weird for your DH to say "don't thank me, Kathy is driving"

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 03/03/2023 14:22

You're in this chat too? And they're all saying 'Thanks MrBlueHen'?

If it bothers you why wouldn't you just respond yourself and say 'You're welcome, I'll pick you up at 8' or whatever?

JupiterFortified · 03/03/2023 14:23

I genuinely wish this was the biggest problem in my life.

Are you really worried about who thanked who in a group chat? Christ alive.

As for the dinner thing - just stop cooking it. Sorted.

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:25

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 14:14

Why is it so important to you that they know in advance that it is you who will be driving? I really get you on the dinner invitation matter, but this I can honestly make no sense of whatsoever. Once again. THEY WILL SEE IT IS YOU DRIVING.

Show quote history

I think some of it is that this keeps happening, he is doing the organising and he does sometimes drive, but more often than not, it is me. And yet, friends still assume it's him driving?! Why? Yes, they'll thank me on the night and next time they will thank him for offering to drive again. And in the group chat the actual other drivers are getting the acknowledgement, not their partner. One husband has said that his wife will be driving and asked if anyone would like a lift. And yet in none of the conversations that DP has had, has he said that I will be driving. It's all "we" will pick you up etc etc. And yet, the thank you's aren't for both of us, it's just for him.

And then I think OK, next time I'll let him drive and he does. He get's the acknowledgement before and on the night. Quite frankly I feel a bit invisible and he could do something to correct that but doesn't.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 03/03/2023 14:25

I'd grab his phone and write something very OTT on his behalf like... don't thank me, my gorgeous, wonderful wife xxx is driving, babe you're the best, I owe you... or some such, he will remember next time.

CraneBoysMysteries · 03/03/2023 14:26

Why is it so important to you that they know in advance that it is you who will be driving? I really get you on the dinner invitation matter, but this I can honestly make no sense of whatsoever. Once again. THEY WILL SEE IT IS YOU DRIVING.

Yes to @Aprilx . I don't get the angst over this!

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:26

JupiterFortified · 03/03/2023 14:23

I genuinely wish this was the biggest problem in my life.

Are you really worried about who thanked who in a group chat? Christ alive.

As for the dinner thing - just stop cooking it. Sorted.

Of course it's not the biggest problem in my life. I wouldn't post my big problems on here 😂

OP posts:
CraneBoysMysteries · 03/03/2023 14:29

It's all "we" will pick you up etc etc. And yet, the thank you's aren't for both of us, it's just for him.

'We'll pick you up at 7pm' is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to say in a group chat that doesn't imply any one of you is driving. I assumed from your OP that he had expressly lied and said he was driving.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/03/2023 14:29

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

I was going to suggest this

Tophy124 · 03/03/2023 14:29

I’d find it so weird if I was on the group chat and you corrected your husband to say it’s you doing the driving. Umm yeah we would see that when we get in your car. Just weird how competitive you’re being about this….He is taking credit etc.

When DH or I each have friends over we both clean and both host, even if they aren’t my friends or vice versa. If my husband invites someone for a meal he makes sure there’s food in for them or we go to the shop. Doesn’t seem like you’re in a team.

Tophy124 · 03/03/2023 14:31

Just send your update as you’re actually jealois that other people acknowledge their wife is driving and your DP just says we. Maybe stop comparing to other people and their marriages?