I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

[thebluehen]

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP do you go out to restaurants just the two of you?

@Asurvivor

This is it!

Thanks for "getting it".

People are saying I have a need to be acknowledged and am petty but the reality is that he wants all the praise and acknowledgement - which is fine if he is actually doing something, but unfair if not!

Yes, we do.

Ah ok - I was just wondering if he knew you'd say no so does it on purpose so he gets to eat out

This!!! Totally this. Out the cf.

Surely he said on the chat ‘we can pick you up if you want? Mates reply: ‘oh cheers John, that’ll be great!

Then on Saturday when John is sat in passenger seat and you’re behind the wheel the mates will say ‘thanks so much for driving Janet’.

Think you’re being pedantic, you’ll get credit as you call it, when they see you physically driving.

To avoid any excuse for future sulking (such an unattractive characteristic) you could establish from now that the rule is:
You invite - You drive/cook.

Stick to it and don't give in even if super-sulking is attempted. Todders learn in this way so I expect that man-children can too.

I'm assuming this is a straw that broke the camel's back issue, because I can't understand why you seem more annoyed about this, than THIS:

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me.

And then he expects you to cook for them?? Unbelievably rude and disrespectful to you. Have you told him you won't be doing that again?

But OP did agree to drive first - and he just said he'd let them know.

Jesus. Are you all this petty in your relationships? Mutual friends are now "DH's guests" with OP the scullery maid because he happened to be the one to suggest a meal. God forbid OP might even be closer friends.

And no, she doesn't do it anyway. Just somehow turns that into more complaining because they all go out for dinner and her DH pays. The swine. It's all about OP now looking the "bad guy" for not cooking. They genuinely don't care or think about it at all.

OP, with each update, you actually sound like hard work. You do understand, none of these people really give a shiny shite which person they thank in a couple. I might get thanked for a nice box of chocolates I handed to a friend, but DH actually bought them. Would you expect my DH to be silently fuming if the friend said "Oh, thanks, how lovely" to me?! He's right there. He hears the message as well. It's thanking both of us, it doesn't matter who bought the box. Why are you so obsessed with getting your credit?

Well he's a massive people-pleasing approval hound then, isn't he?
He'll do anything he can to get Likes. Even use you as much as he can.
Like with the lift he was salivating days in advance to be able to post that and then bask in the glory.

This is a very confusing post. If he invites them then they are his guests. He should shop and cook for them.

He is massively disrespecting you. Lots of red flags. You should strongly consider whether you want to stay with him. Probably time to change the locks and consult a solicitor.

Blimey. Are you a man? Can you really not see Op's point of view?

The answer to your question @TwinsAndTiramisu is yes. Nothing is ever too trivial for someone on MN to rant about. Who the fuck cares who’s driving?

Agree with @nosquirrels - assuming he said "we can give you a lift" they are currently thanking him for the offer, it's not like they are going to miss the fact you're the one driving on the night and presumably will
It would look petty as fuck to interject on the group chat now to say "actually thank ME". If its that important that eceryone knows what a huge sacrifice youre making why didn't you put the offer to the other couple rather than going via dp if you're all on a group chat together.

Unless of course he specifically said "I can give you a lift" knowing he wouldnt be driving, which would be odd.

Bit got missed out -should say they will presumably thank you on the night for the lift

I absolutely get it OP, DH used to be like this. The final straw was him volunteering me to make covers for a glider - I have never been anywhere near on!
Apparently ‘we’ were going to sew them - he’s never been anywhere near a needle and thread let alone a sewing machine.
I told him in no uncertain terms that there was no way I was getting involved. The only time I ventured anywhere near the flying club not a single soul spoke to me and any attempts at starting a conversation were snubbed. Never ever was, or am, I going anywhere near there again!

Exactly!

If we have friends over for dinner, they are not my guests, they are OUR guests.

I now see that they are not, and they should probably sit in a different room with just me.

He didn't want to post on the group chat in case my offer to drive anyone upset the other friends. as clearly we can't drive everyone. So he sent a private message to these friends he thought "we" should drive as they have been the ones who have organised the night out. Fair enough. I don't really care who I drive, but he does, so I let him get on with it. Next time I am going to deal with it differently.

Nowt petty about a dh who sees his dw as staff.

I would find that really weird if someone did that & think I was either being dragged into an argument or you didn't want to drive. Either way I'd find it very uncomfortable

It seems a really small thing to get so worked up about. Theyve just thanked him for, at this stage, arranging a lift. I'm sure you'll get the credit & thanks when you pick them up/drop them off.

I'd look for an opportunity to pipe up on the Whatsapp chat 'yeah it's no problem, pick you up at 7, didn't feel like drinking on Saturday so happy to drive'

Do you shy away from addressing things with him?

Oh - there's a big difference between the glider thing and OP's non issue.

@Mistymoonsinastarrysky your DH volunteered something that you would both do together at home, knowing full well he'd play no part, then turn up with said items as if he did the lot himself. That's taking credit and being a cheeky git.

OP's husband has messaged another couple "We'll drive" to which, they've said thank you for the offer, to the DH, as OP didn't say anything at all. And on the night, OP will be in the driver seat and they'll thank her then. It's a total non issue.

I completely sympathise with you OP - and that its hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced this, because to an outsider it can sound mean and petty! Its just one lift, just one meal, just one bottle of wine. And so it goes on, the resentment building up and the taking for granted and still you can’t say anything.

Can you talk to your dp one more time and see if he can get that a successful relationship is like being in a team where both give and take. Maybe he just isn’t thinking / getting it.

If his need for admiration is more important than your relationship, then you have bigger problems but hopefully it won’t come to that.