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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 03/03/2023 21:51

Then just put it in the chat that’s what’s bothering you - maybe he’s thinking you and him come as a couple so because he’s said it in the chat he just says ‘me’ referring to you both? God - I don’t know. If it bothers you just say it in the chat.

WidthofaLine · 03/03/2023 21:53

Do not correct him in the group chat, that will make you look petty.

Tonight, have 'an accident' fake fall and you have a really bad ankle, can bearly walk and have a limp, you cannot drive.

Tommorow he will either have to drive himself with you limping along as the passenger, or he has to phone up and explain he was never the lift giver and everyone needs to make other arrangements as the lift giver is out of action.

😂

rwalker · 03/03/2023 22:10

Tuskanini · 03/03/2023 20:48

Oh, FFS! He said ‘We’ll give you a lift’. That’s all.

I’m with you I’m sure when OP picks them up and she’s behind the wheel they will workout she’s the one driving

can’t get the reason or need for announcement on SM for gushing praise

Atsocta · 03/03/2023 22:29

I wouldn’t go, sounds like your DP is taking the pee all round to me
make sure he cooks the meals when he invites friends round too
blinking cheek …

Zazazoolly · 04/03/2023 00:54

If it’s a sacrifice for you to drive, why do it? Let somebody else do it or get a taxi so you can relax and enjoy yourself.

Companyofwolves · 04/03/2023 02:11

Is it that you feel like he’s using you as his personal assistant/driver/chef?

So he calls all the shots but you’re the one actually doing all the work?

pompomdaisy · 04/03/2023 02:15

Ignore the WhatsApp. Don't write something petty because you will just look petty!

When they get in the car with you they will see it's you driving and if they are half decent they will thank you.

rwalker · 04/03/2023 07:41

WidthofaLine · 03/03/2023 21:53

Do not correct him in the group chat, that will make you look petty.

Tonight, have 'an accident' fake fall and you have a really bad ankle, can bearly walk and have a limp, you cannot drive.

Tommorow he will either have to drive himself with you limping along as the passenger, or he has to phone up and explain he was never the lift giver and everyone needs to make other arrangements as the lift giver is out of action.

😂

Fuck me are u 12

Chias · 04/03/2023 08:20

They will thank you when you drive them. You sound a bit of a martyr to be honest.

Manthide · 04/03/2023 08:28

I've no problem with the lift part especially as he made the offer and asked you first but inviting people to dinner and expecting me to cook for them ( without being consulted) that's not okay!

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 09:03

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 17:15

I'm never "in a mood" and I certainly wouldn't take it out on anyone on the night out and spoil things. I hate people that do that. It's really not the end of the world and I'm looking forward to a nice night out. Just a bit miffed that, yet again, I find myself in another situation where I'm "doing people a favour" (which I'm glad to do!) but I'm only human and no one likes being taken for granted do they? Of course, if it's a one off, I'm being petty, but it's not. The thing is I am quiet and don't blow my own trumpet, I suspect this suits DP just fine. Maybe I'm being a martyr but I don't begrudge driving, after all I offered and I am fine with it but I am also aware that it means other people get to do things they want to do and not have to do things they don't want to do (drive, stay sober, cook, clean) so is DP quite happy to take the acknowledgment he doesn't actually deserve? 🤷‍♀️

I knew that you would t be able to resist coming back to deny my suspicion that these friends aren’t used to you being in a grump! 😂 and then disappear off again (in a grump!)

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 09:06

so is DP quite happy to take the acknowledgment he doesn't actually deserve?

one of the weirder threads I’ve read on mumsnet (and that’s saying something).

OP you want virtual acknowledgment before you have done it. But you say they always thank you in person when you actually do it. Good heavens, I can’t get my head around this. What life must be life with you!

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 04/03/2023 09:28

Rosie22xx · 03/03/2023 18:24

Don't drive, let him do it if he's taking credit. Don't cook, he's inviting people so let him sort it. The longer you cave and just do it all, this will never change and he will never learn. Just stop doing things.

This. Your husband is obviously quite happy to let you make teh effirt and for him to get the credit. And as you can see from this thread, he is not alone.

There are plenty people who think it’s a woman’s place to do stuff and then STFU about it. If you complain you are “petty “ and “ attention seeking “ and “ not a team player “.

Your husband likes it this way and isn’t going to change. I suspect that talking to him about it will just get the type of responses you have seen here . Or he will embarrass you in front of others by making a big thing of it in front of your friends.

“ Bluehen wants me to point out that it’s her driving and not me “.
“ Bluehen feels I don’t appreciate her enough so I just want to say in front of you all wnat a wonderful wife she is “.

Cue everyone thinking what a lovely man he Is and how pathetic and insecure you must be etc .

So words will achieve nothing , only actions .

Just quietly withdraw your labour and saying nothing I mean NOTHING about it. Just do it cleverly like your husband does.

So when the guests are coming from dinner, go out that morning for the day and say to him that you will be home about x time ( about an hour before they arrive ) and once you’ve had a shower and got changed you will be happy to help him with anything he needs done.

Then when you come home, do something totally pointless , have a shower and then so something pointless like clean out the hall cupboard and say you thought that would be helpful. Look confused when he is annoyed, look Pained and say

“ well I’m sorry I don’t live up to your standards , I’m doing my best “.

SherbertDabs · 04/03/2023 09:33

Pour yourself a couple of wines whilst you’re getting ready to go out. Stop falling into line every time he offers your services out then resenting it.

Cosyblankets · 04/03/2023 09:41

If we were going out and I was driving it would be perfectly normal to say we'll pick you up. I wouldn't be bothered.
Sounds like you've got bigger things going on.

WidthofaLine · 04/03/2023 10:02

rwalker · 04/03/2023 07:41

Fuck me are u 12

Show quote history

No very much at the opposite end of the age scale, but I do know the terminology these types of arrogant and selfish people use.

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla
Is quite right you cannot use words to get through to these types of people, you essentially have to screw their organsational skills of your labour for them to recognise their own behaviour, sometimes it works, most of the time it does not.

They just become annoyed and resentful that the useful appliance is not useful anymore.

Oh dear, better find a newer model who hasn't cottoned on that they're being used is usually the expected outcome.

Op is beggining to recognise that she is being taken for granted.

Original poster
thebluehen · 04/03/2023 10:06

@Vegrocks

I was out last night hence why I haven't replied. Part of the reason I'm driving tonight. Too old to be on the lash two nights running 😂

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 04/03/2023 10:06

"Oh darling, I didn't know you intended to drive? Thank you so much, it'll give me the opportunity to have a drink (for once)"

Pop this into the group chat.

Also think I'd be MORE pissed off by Mr Allergic to the Oven inviting his pals round without a by-your-leave. That needs to stop.

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 10:09

thebluehen · 04/03/2023 10:06

@Vegrocks

I was out last night hence why I haven't replied. Part of the reason I'm driving tonight. Too old to be on the lash two nights running 😂

I’m honoured. Both my posts have drawn you back to the thread! 😂

Original poster
thebluehen · 04/03/2023 10:14

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla

I think you are spot on. Thank you. Of course there's a bigger picture and in isolation this is petty but this isn't a one off.

I am definitely going to play things differently from now on.

If I'm giving the lift, I'm doing the organising in future. I don't need him to be my PA. 😂

As for the dinner thing. He is rude and disrespectful to me to just invite his family round and then tell me, as others have here, that I'm "making a fuss over nothing". I do think that the best way to tackle this is to change my behaviour, not get angry or sulk or resort to snide quips.

OP posts:
Original poster
thebluehen · 04/03/2023 10:15

@Vegrocks

You're welcome 😉

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 10:16

So what have you done Op?

still seething? 😂

rwalker · 04/03/2023 10:21

WidthofaLine · 04/03/2023 10:02

No very much at the opposite end of the age scale, but I do know the terminology these types of arrogant and selfish people use.

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla
Is quite right you cannot use words to get through to these types of people, you essentially have to screw their organsational skills of your labour for them to recognise their own behaviour, sometimes it works, most of the time it does not.

They just become annoyed and resentful that the useful appliance is not useful anymore.

Oh dear, better find a newer model who hasn't cottoned on that they're being used is usually the expected outcome.

Op is beggining to recognise that she is being taken for granted.

Show quote history

The point it’s it a response you’d get from a child rather than a grown adult

Sainte · 04/03/2023 11:36

Apart from you driving and invited guests, are you happy with him?

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 04/03/2023 12:10

YABU as this is a childish petty way to live your life. Talk to each other, talk to your friends and sort it out - don’t give it the headspace, I cannot roll my eyes any harder!

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