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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm giving a lift - he's taking the credit

255 replies

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 13:24

So, we are going out tomorrow night with friends. I spoke to DP and offered to drive, he then suggests we pick up one of the other couple's too. I agreed and he said he would let them know.

Now I see on a group chat between us all, those friends are thanking DP for giving them a lift. He won't be giving them a lift as I will be driving - and making the sacrifice of not having a drink, which I do quite regularly so his friends are aware of who ends up not drinking.

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Both these things make me feel disrespected.

I have no problem in giving the lift and I have no problem with people coming round - it is the way he deals with it that offends me.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 03/03/2023 14:32

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/03/2023 14:29

I was going to suggest this

Show quote history

Me too! This is obviously not worth a second thought when considered in isolation but it’s upsetting you because it’s part of a wider issue of you feeling disrespected which I understand. If he doesn’t want to correct them then he should drive seeing as who is driving isn’t such a big deal.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 14:32

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 13:55

Obviously they are thanking him, he is the one that has offered them the lift. I expect that they will thank you on the day and they are going to see that you are driving so you will get the credit. Either you or him making a big thing on the chat about how it’s actually you driving and who should be thanked will just look ridiculous. And to be fair it does sound like it was your husband who thought to offer them a lift, even if it is you who is facilitating that being possible so surely it makes sense that they thank him for offering a lift and then thank you for driving them.

This!

OP you sound utterly ridiculous (not about the cooking, I'll get to that in a bit) because if DH and I were going out with a couple, I said to him, "I'll drive us all", he then messaged the other couple "don't worry, we'll drive, pick you up at 7?" they have replied "thanks John" because he is the one who delivered the message, and they as a couple, are thanking you both, just directly to the person who made the statement.

I made DNan a lasagne. DH picked up the dish on his way past a few days later, and she said "Thanks so much, it was delicious" which is a perfectly normal thing to say to one half of a couple, thanking both of us. Just like when I gave it to her, I didn't say, "here, this is from me, JUST ME! Not DH!" It was offered/made by me, but it came from our household. She thanked the household. Can you imagine how odd it would be if I made DH address that he should not have been thanked, as he didn't make it.

The cooking though, it depends. I'm the cook 99% of the time here. It would be pretty normal for that person to cook for others, they are usually the better more competent cook. DH might invite someone over loosely, but he won't set a date until he's spoken to me and confirmed I'm ok with making a meal, and when would that suit me to do so.

There's a big difference between that and on a Friday night, inviting people for dinner the next day, and announcing to me, with out discussion, or any notice, that people would be coming round. In that instance I'd be really cross, and tell him he can either order us all a takeaway, or cancel, because I don't have the time or ingredients to sort that out.

Targetted · 03/03/2023 14:32

My friend quite often offers me a lift. It will almost always be her husband driving. I say thank you to her when I receive the offer and to him when he gives me the lift.

It sounds like you do have issues with him putting on you but I'm not sure this is one.

Mumsanetta · 03/03/2023 14:33

JupiterFortified · 03/03/2023 14:23

I genuinely wish this was the biggest problem in my life.

Are you really worried about who thanked who in a group chat? Christ alive.

As for the dinner thing - just stop cooking it. Sorted.

What an unhelpful response.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 14:33

If you're annoyed about giving lifts in the first place then fine. But to be annoyed that he's not falling over himself to say it's not him specifically driving is petty.

wonderofu · 03/03/2023 14:35

Tell him that next time he starts arranging things to make sure he's shopping, cooking and driving.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/03/2023 14:35

Yes why shouldn’t the person not driving consistently get the public acknowledgment for giving a lift. After all the person actually giving them a lift will be thanked by the one or two people who get in the car 🤨

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 14:36

I get saying WE will pick you up and then then thanking him because he’s the one who said it.

I would hope that when they get out of the car they thank you and not him.

But it seems your problem is that he’s the one arranging things or telling people so he gets the gratitude, even though it’s mainly you who does it all and gets less gratitude because of it.

In this instance I would just tell him that you want to drink and so he’ll have to drive.

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 14:39

AIBU to think DP should now comment in the group chat and correct them that actually he won't be driving but I will be??

I don't think so, but then, I'd tell them as soon as I saw the message, rather than basking in the glory.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 14:39

They'll say thank you to you after the event, I wouldn't worry.

Easternext · 03/03/2023 14:39

They will know you are driving when you pick them up so am assuming they will thank you then, I couldn't really get worked up over something like this.
Tell him if he doesn't intend to shop and cook for his dinner party then they will no longer be happening.

Bunnyishotandcross · 03/03/2023 14:41

Offer to get the first round in. Hand dh a lemonade

As obviously with him offering to do the return lift he won't be drinking...

pinkyredrose · 03/03/2023 14:45

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Fuck that shit. Do you cave and cater to his guests?

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:48

pinkyredrose · 03/03/2023 14:45

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

Fuck that shit. Do you cave and cater to his guests?

No.

We normally end up going out for dinner (he pays) or we get a takeaway.

I still catch him doing it though.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 03/03/2023 14:49

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:48

No.

We normally end up going out for dinner (he pays) or we get a takeaway.

I still catch him doing it though.

Show quote history

If he pays , then what’s the problem?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2023 14:50

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:48

No.

We normally end up going out for dinner (he pays) or we get a takeaway.

I still catch him doing it though.

Show quote history

So he’s not actually expecting you to cook and based on your earlier message probably plans it quite a bit in advance. If so, not really sure what the problem is.

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:51

MarieRoseMarie · 03/03/2023 14:49

If he pays , then what’s the problem?

Show quote history

Because he offers for them to come to our house for "tea" which isn't the same as offering to go out to dinner. I then refuse because he hasn't run it past me, he sulks and then reluctantly asks them out for dinner instead, which I'm sure makes me look like the bad guy in the invitees head but hey ho.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 03/03/2023 14:53

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 13:28

That's 100% what I'd do.
I'm petty as fuck.

Show quote history

Same! 'Oh thanks DH for driving, looking forward to having a drink for a change!' Grin

Asurvivor · 03/03/2023 14:53

I understand what you mean OP. My exh used to be very keen to do things for friends - give lifts, buy presents, invite over for dinner, bring wine & flowers when we were invited over. He always took the credit for being considerate and generous - except that it was always me who thought of it, me who bought or cooked or drove and me who was the considerate and generous one! He just took over and I would stand there astonished (and not wanting to sound mean & petty) as they thanked him profusely.

I didn’t miss being taken for granted like that when we split. His need to look good in front of his friends / be admired is something I don’t have to deal with anymore!

I would suggest that you just stop offering lifts & to cook etc and see what happens. He might actually get it then.

Original poster
thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:54

Of course it is different if we discuss it and talk about it first. We do have people round and it's nice. But again, he wants to be the one to invite and I hear things like "So nice of DP to have us round for dinner". When the sum total of his effot was to send a message or do the asking.

OP posts:
TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 14:54

DH has said WE will drive, not him, or you specifically. Do you ever speak in the group chat?

Are you not seeing how normal it is for one person in a couple to offer something by stating "WE will drive/drop that thing off/do whatever", and then someone says thank you to that offer, simply to the person who stated it.

You would actually look like a right twat a bit odd if DH said, (to another couple in a group chat you were both in,) "We'd love to catch up over the summer, it would be great to have you both over for dinner", someone from the other couple to say "Thanks that would be great", then for you to pipe up "No, actually, I need the thank you, because when the time comes, I'll be the cook" or for him to correct them to say that instead. They are thanking the person making the general offer, at the time of hearing the general offer. They will thank the person on the night.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/03/2023 14:55

Magenta82 · 03/03/2023 13:28

I would also thank him for driving in the group chat, say it will be lovely to be able to have an unexpected drink.

I came here to suggest that :)

Jux · 03/03/2023 14:56

Just post on the chat saying you'll be driving, who wants a lift? Or that you won't be driving this time, can anyone offer a lift? Or whatever.

As for the dinners, tell him that afternoon you're not feeling well, you didn't know and there's a tuna pasta bake ready for the oven. Then he can choose to feed his guests (and you) on that or take them out and entertain them alone. He might get a bit of kudos for that, but I'm pretty sure someone would say "oh you could have cancelled, we'd have understood", unless there's a v good reason why he can't give you notice like clients sprung on him.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/03/2023 14:57

thebluehen · 03/03/2023 14:51

Because he offers for them to come to our house for "tea" which isn't the same as offering to go out to dinner. I then refuse because he hasn't run it past me, he sulks and then reluctantly asks them out for dinner instead, which I'm sure makes me look like the bad guy in the invitees head but hey ho.

Show quote history

Don't refuse - look pleased and ask what he is cooking for you all.
Write it on the calendar that he is cooking that night.

2bazookas · 03/03/2023 14:58

He also makes offers for people to come round to dinner without asking me. DP doesn't ever do any food shopping and cooks about 3 times a year.

The solution to that lies entirely in your own spine. Next time he tells you he's invited XY and Z to dinner on Saturday, trill " What a treat for me to have a night off, what are you cooking? "

He does all the shoppig, cooking, hoovering, tablesetting etc.