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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 03/03/2023 11:17

Recently? since she split with that partner and while he's been helping her out?

WorkerBee83 · 03/03/2023 11:17

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
Don’t be pressured into making that decision right now! You don’t “accidentally” sleep with someone. Do you feel the trust has gone xx

IfYoureGonnaBreakMyHeart · 03/03/2023 11:18

Honestly I wouldn't. You've only been married a year. He couldn't stay faithful in that time so what makes him think he will be able to do it for another 12 months/12 years?
For me once the trust was gone I wouldn't be able to get it back and I'd always have it in the back of my mind that he slept with someone else.
Hope you're ok. Can't imagine what a shock that must have been.

Itsvalentino · 03/03/2023 11:18

Not a chance that I'd forgive that, a year into your marriage, and someone he's been friends with for a long time, I'd assume it wasn't the first time.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, only you can decide if you can forgive him and move on.

Startuplife · 03/03/2023 11:18

Absolutely no way would I be able to trust him again after that. It sounds like you were already putting up with a fair bit with him looking after someone else’s child

IfYoureGonnaBreakMyHeart · 03/03/2023 11:19

Also 'he didn't mean for it to happen'??
He didn't trip over and fall into her did he?

OrigamiOwls · 03/03/2023 11:19

Oh no, what an awful situation. It's up to you, do you think you can move past it? Or do you think everything you argue it will get brought up? Will it hang over you eating away at you?

Although he says "he didn't mean for it to happen" it did happen. Your husband has agency, has a voice and presumably the ability to leave a situation of he felt uncomfortable. He didn't use any of these, he willingly had sex with her

For me it would be over, the trust would be gone.

KimberleyClark · 03/03/2023 11:19

Of course he meant for it to happen. It wouldn’t’t have happened otherwise.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 11:19

I would not ask MN for advice on this, the consensus will always be the same regardless of the details. This can only be down to how you feel.

GoldDuster · 03/03/2023 11:20

DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together

Sorry OP, this sounds shit. Did he sleep with her as part of the support he was offering when she split with her OH?

In which case, that would very much be the end for me. You don't accidentally stick your dick in anyone, admitting it was very much on purpose and he had plenty of opportunity to stop it but didn't would be very necessary for me to consider forgiving him.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/03/2023 11:20

A year in ..... Come on. Not a great start is it?

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 11:22

Well, if he hasn't got the self control not to accidentally have sex with her, what's to stop him lacking self control like that in the future? And only a year into your marriage.

I don't think you need us to tell you the answer.

nextime · 03/03/2023 11:22

Absolutely do not stay with him. Sounds like it happened so easily. It will happen again, if not with her then someone else.

Emmamoo89 · 03/03/2023 11:23

I wouldn't

rogueone · 03/03/2023 11:23

Sorry but after a year of marriage I wouldn't be forgiving him. But that is me and I don't tolerate cheats. Also if you do decide to forgive what is the plan for this 'friend'. I couldnt live like that- he cant be trusted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2023 11:24

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 11:22

Well, if he hasn't got the self control not to accidentally have sex with her, what's to stop him lacking self control like that in the future? And only a year into your marriage.

I don't think you need us to tell you the answer.

Exactly this. If it happened without him meaning to last time how can you possibly trust he won’t accidentally do it again?!

He’s taken no responsibility for his actions at all and expects you to accept it.

I couldn’t be his friend, share a bed with him, trust him, stay married to him. He’s betrayed you completely.

Emdubz · 03/03/2023 11:25

KimberleyClark · 03/03/2023 11:19

Of course he meant for it to happen. It wouldn’t’t have happened otherwise.

This. He chose to do it. I couldn’t re-build trust after this if I were in your position. You deserve better. Sorry you are going through this.

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 11:26

As others have said, this is your decision. However as you're asking for advice...

When this happened to me, I applied for divorce on the grounds of adultery and I got divorced. I have since learnt that it wasn't the first time.

When I got married I said some vows and I meant to keep them. For me marriage was forever with one caveat and that was adultery.

If you dont have kids and its only been a year, I'd be out of there like a shot.

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 03/03/2023 11:27

How did he not mean it to happen? Did he trip over her and his penis accidentally enter her vagina as a result of the impact?

You've only been married a year, you deserve more than this. I couldn't forgive.

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 11:27

A year in, you might as well cut your losses. Otherwise this sets the scene for your whole marriage. I really don’t understand what he means by “he didn’t mean for it to happen”. This cannot happen by accident.

AnotherSpare · 03/03/2023 11:27

This isn't 20 years in when a spark might have gone - you've only been married a year, you should still be besotted with each other. He's not, he's off "accidentally" sleeping with someone else.
Unless there is force, it's not possible to sleep with someone without meaning for it to happen. There is conscious choice at every moment of the encounter. He could have chosen not to. I have friends I'm very close to. I often hug them, but I don't kiss them, I don't undress myself or them, I don't touch them intimately, I don't have sex with them.

You can save yourself a miserable life by ending the marriage now, hopefully before their are kids involved, and find someone else who will respect you.

RobertsAL · 03/03/2023 11:28

You have to do what’s right for you - you can’t take anyone else’s advice. If it’s not happened to people they will say leave, if it’s happened to people and they’ve stayed and it’s worked, they will say stay … if you can find trust again, and you believe in your relationship… then try. If not, you need to walk away. But it has to be your decision xx

MamOfFive · 03/03/2023 11:28

A year in and he's already cheated? I'd divorce.

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 11:28

AnneLovesGilbert · Today 11:24

Exactly this. If it happened without him meaning to last time how can you possibly trust he won’t accidentally do it again?! He’s taken no responsibility for his actions at all and expects you to accept it.

Yes, it's all about him, the selfish sod.

Did he have an attack of conscience and confess, or did you suspect and get it out of him? If the former, I'd be suspicious even of that and assume that she's been trying to get him to leave and shack up with her.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/03/2023 11:31

No one has sex by accident op, come on.

If you let this slide he will see it as a green light to sleep around again and again.

Cash your chips in and get out now, don't waste another year with someone like this.

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