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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
DominoBlue · 03/03/2023 11:31

How horrible. You must be devastated. Have you got some support or told your family/friends? Do you think you could forgive him or forget about it? You sound quite young and like you have your life ahead of you. If after a year he has slept with someone then it doesn't bode well for the future. Is he planning on maintaining a relationship with this woman as that would be torture for you. The problem with forgiving a cheat is that they often think they can do it again and again. If I were your Mum I'd say dump him, get out now while you are young enough to find someone who values you. Work on your self esteem to make sure you are not thinking of forgiving him from a point of low self belief and low self esteem. Read up about the "pick me dance" as that makes you hate yourself afterwards. Really really listen to your head not just your heart or wounded pride. He's the failure not you.

Jooliusreezer · 03/03/2023 11:31

You’d be insane to forgive him. This is something he’s wanted for a long time.

unfortunately, when you lock the cunt out, be prepared for him to run straight to her.

SedentaryCat · 03/03/2023 11:31

After a year of marriage...not a chance I'd stay. After a long happy marriage then that could be a different story and it would depend on a lot of things.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Only you know what would be right for your situation and only you can make the decision. It would be worth getting an STI check too.

Echobelly · 03/03/2023 11:33

Gotta say, if he can't manage even a year without 'accidentally' sleeping with someone else, it doesn't bode well for the future.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 11:36

Has he cut all contact with her?

Scottishskifun · 03/03/2023 11:38

Only you can really answer this and if you can in time rebuild trust

You are very early days of finding this out give yourself time and space. If you do decide to give it a go then go to couples counselling

Blossomed · 03/03/2023 11:38

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Can only imagine how awful it must be. If a friend told you that their husband had done this to them, what would your response be? We often don’t give ourselves the same level of respect and love as we offer to others, but you deserve it too. Listen to your gut x

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 03/03/2023 11:39

OP nobody can make this decision but you.

It’s so easy for strangers to say ‘leave him’ or ‘I would never forgive that’ but this is your marriage and we are not there when the door closes at night.

We are only human and we make mistakes.

Cosyblankets · 03/03/2023 11:42

No

XMissPlacedX · 03/03/2023 11:42

Is he willing to cut her off?

cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 11:43

Well, at least he admitted what he's done and recognises it's a mistake which is much more than 80% of on here do.

So now you have his honesty and his apology, whether you forgive him or don't, at least now he tried to do the right thing and take responsibility for his mistake.

Soapnotshowergel · 03/03/2023 11:43

Let me guess, she'd always been with someone else, he'd always held a candle for her....I bet they'll be shacked up playing happy families within 3 months.

In the bin with him, where he belongs.

lemmein · 03/03/2023 11:44

How did you find out OP?

mrs55 · 03/03/2023 11:46

This response is from someone that has been utterly destroyed from being cheated on…..
think long and hard if you can forgive , do couples counselling do your own counselling listen people make mistakes we are human if he got to close to her and slept with her and then get awful about it and told you that’s at least one step in the right direction instead of continuing it and having a full blown affair but you need the ful truth from him.
don’t be rushed into making decisions immediately, it would be easier for you to leave now if you don’t have kids etc, I will say if you know deep down you can’t move past it do not try to stay it will eat you alive you will never trust him and be a shell of your former self it will crush you and anything you thought you had if you want my honest opinion leave it’s easier than staying but on the other hand some people can move past it I would of found it easier to repair a relationship if a one night stand had happened and not an affair , only you know yourself and your relationship just take some time some people can forgive some people stay then spilt because the moment after it happened it should of been done with .
I wish you luck op and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

CheersForThatEh · 03/03/2023 11:47

No. Sorry to be so blunt when you are vulnerable but it sounds like it was a case that the opportunity wasnt there before and as soon s she was single he was straight there. It would also absolutely disgust me that he slept woh someone when they were feeling sad and vulnerable.

Sorry, not what you want to hear but if you are only 1 year married I'd advise getting out and starting over. No doubt he will promise you the world, cut her out blah blah blah and then either carry on speaking to her secretly or out and out call you controlling in about a years time because you should have "forgiven him" and "trust him". By which point you may even have started trying for a baby and feel even more stuck. Just save yourself years of pain would be my strong advice.

WeepingSomnambulist · 03/03/2023 11:47

It will happen again. She is right there. It will happen again.

If you make a condition that he can never see her again then you're marriage would be a sham which only works because he is forbidden from seeing a woman he actually wants.

You've been married for a year. End it. Move on. There are better ones out there.

cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 11:47

Wondering, would it be better had he cheated 10 years in, when they'd both have kids and property?

At least now, whatever choice is made, not too much time is lost.

Truth hurts now, lies hurt later.

Choconut · 03/03/2023 11:49

Do you want to forgive him? Do you think you can? Is he prepared to cut all ties with her and be completely open and transparent with phones email etc? Or do you think it would be better to cut all ties as you've only been married for a short time?

How long were you together before you married?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 11:49

I'd be done with my relationship if there was any amount of cheating, but the fact that he's done it within a year of you getting married is basically him telling you that this is what marriage is going to be.

You stay with him now and you're basically telling him you're happy for him to sleep around throughout your marriage.

CamoFlamingo · 03/03/2023 11:50

My DH would be out the door in seconds if I found out he slept with someone else. He has disrespected you and broken your trust and he will just do it again. He's shown you what kind of person he is.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/03/2023 11:51

It's your decision to make but it certainly isn't an easy one. Some people do forgive and go on to have a long and happy relationship, others either end it immediately or find it just gnaws away at the relationship. It wasn't by accident but it could have been a getting carried away in the moment scenario that he now bitterly regrets. You need to spend some time thinking through your own feelings before discussing with him what you want to do moving forward.

Sidge · 03/03/2023 11:52

Echobelly · 03/03/2023 11:33

Gotta say, if he can't manage even a year without 'accidentally' sleeping with someone else, it doesn't bode well for the future.

Yeah this. Let’s be honest the first year of marriage should be the best. It’s new, it’s exciting, you’re all loved up and starting your life together as husband and wife.

Yet he’s “accidentally” fucked someone else, and not just anyone but someone he’s obviously felt strongly for for some time if he’s helping her through a relationship breakdown and with a young child.

Whatever you do now will set the bar for the rest of your married life, so think carefully.

Channellingsophistication · 03/03/2023 11:54

This is awful for you. But although hard better to not forgive and move on. If he can do this after one year of marriage imagine what will happen in 5, 10 years time? You will struggle to trust him and will have a lifetime of feeling suspicious…. Not worth it.

Ooshie · 03/03/2023 11:54

He obviously did mean for it to happen else his erect penis wouldn’t have ended up in her vagina. A poor excuse. If he’s like this 1 year into marriage when you’re in the honeymoon stage then how is he going to control himself during difficulties? You deserve better OP.

CiderJolly · 03/03/2023 11:54

He has shown you who he is- it’s up to you whether you’re willing for this to be your life.

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