Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 03/03/2023 12:36

He is setting a pattern for how he wants to live. He wants to fuck about and have you understand that its only because he's such a "nice" caring and supportive guy. He's a sleaze coming onto a woman in a low.ebb. I guess normally she wouldn't have bothered with him.

Sheitgeist · 03/03/2023 12:36

No blooming way would I forgive this early into a marriage.

How could you ever trust him again?

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 12:37

When did they have sex?

It would concern me that it was more than once.

As other PPs have asked - had hd completely cut all communication with her now?

It is completely up to you whether you forgive him and this often takes time to decide and my advice would be to not rush into anything.
If you are happy with it then he can stay living in the house and sleep on the sofa until you have got your head around it all.

caringcarer · 03/03/2023 12:38

If he cheats on you after only 1 year of marriage and if you forgive him you basically give him permission to carry on cheating as often as he wants. At this stage hopefully you don't have children together and a split would be relatively simple. You would have a fresh chance of finding a person who truly loved you. Your DH does not try love you or he would not have cheated on you. You don't have sex by accident.

Supertayto · 03/03/2023 12:38

How awful for you, OP. Not to diminish what you have, but one mistake in 30 years is up for debate whereas one mistake in 3.5 years seems like a warning to jump ship. I appreciate it’ll be a wrench for your son, but if DH is treating your marriage and family unit this way after such a short period then he’s unlikely to have the stickability and good grace to not repeat the cheating in the years to come. As a PP said, what about in 10 years time when the spark has faded? You’ll kick yourself and potentially not be in a position to escape because of other DC. Run fast and far now.

FreddiesTeeth · 03/03/2023 12:41

From experience....

Get tested for STIs.
Get the Chumplady book.
Get rid of the fuckwit.

And live a better life in the medium to long term.

Lochjeda · 03/03/2023 12:42

You don't know if he has willingly told you or if she's pushing him to or she will. I don't think I could forgive him only 3.5 years in to a relationship, only married one year and with no kids or ties id be out of there to be honest.

GladragsAtDawn · 03/03/2023 12:42

Only you can decide what to do, everyone has an opinion, but you're the one who has to sit on your own at night, not them. Would 'punishing' him be just as much of a punishment for you?

For me it would partly depend on his actions now. Does he want to stay friends with her? (NO!) Is he truly remorseful? I think everyone deserves a second chance, but only if they are sorry for what they've done and want to work on it.

On the other hand, once the trust has gone the relationship will never be the same again. You see them differently and it takes a long time to get back to a near normal. It's really hard work to forgive someone. Listen to advice, but it has to be your choice. Good luck with everything.

useitorlose · 03/03/2023 12:43

Nope

Mumskisail · 03/03/2023 12:44

A year in? No way

Warspite · 03/03/2023 12:44

user1471556818 · 03/03/2023 12:29

Only you can decide this. my husband cheated on me 2 yrs into our marriage. we did get over it and have now been happily married 36yrs
I don't regret taking him back. it was in some ways the harder option esp as others had views on what I should do .
Take time and don't feel you have to act or behave in a certain way
Good luck

Take your time. See how it goes. It’ll be hard to put it behind you but if he’s open with you, answers your questions & allows access to his phone & laptop for a while until life calms down, maybe you can make it through together. Don’t make a knee jerk reaction, just keep your antennae up and be vigilant. Counselling might help.
IF it happens again with anyone else, well that’s your “get out now card.”
Good luck OP and a hand hold as you work through your emotions.

Original poster
ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:44

She had always been in a relationship for as long as I've known DH, she got into her relationship just before me and DH met.

He was helping with her toddler as he wanted to be supportive and let friend have time on her own, I was a bit Hmm at the time as she has other friends/the dad/the dads family etc that could be doing that but I wasn't suspicious of DH, I just found it odd.

I'm unsure whether DH has feelings for her but he did say before they slept together she had admitted to fancying him in the past. I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 03/03/2023 12:45

"Won't happen again" meaning he expects to stay with you, AND keep her friendship as it was too? Shock
IF, i could ever bring myself to forgive in your shoes, it would be on a strict term she was erased completely from his life!

BelleSauvage9 · 03/03/2023 12:46

Don't think I can really add much that others haven't already said, but I will echo that you're only 1 year into marriage which doesn't bode well for when the spark has gone a few years down the line. And it was not an accident, it was a choice. A choice he may now regret but a choice nonetheless.

Personally I could never get passed cheating and would rather end things (no matter what the situation was) than spend the rest of my life constantly worried about it happening again. If they're the type that can do it once, they can do it again.

Really sorry op, I hope things work out for you whatever you choose x

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 12:47

If he won't cut ties with her you'll struggle to trust that it won't happen again.

That's his way to prove to you he's serious about your relationship.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2023 12:47

He didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again

Could he possibly be any more banal? Hmm
And it could be a plus that he told you himself, or alternatively there may have been a risk of you finding out some other way so he had no choice

Only you can make the decision, OP, but it's very early in the marriage and I'm not sure I'd want to risk more years on someone who could so easily do it again, especially if he's the sort to think "Phew, I got away with it ..."

ItsaMetalBand · 03/03/2023 12:47

You know that heart-racing ice cold feeling you get when you think about her and him together?

If you stay then that will stay with you. Every time his phone pings. Every time he mentions a Sarah or a Mary or a Jessica that he worked with. Every time he mentions any 'friend' in his past.

You'll wave him off on a night out, anxious, scrutinise him when he gets back for any signs that he's cheated again and while he's dozing off blissfully beside you in an alcohol stupor, you'll be lying awake looking at the ceiling wondering if he really was in the pub he said he was, if he really was with Dave and Paul like he said he was...

If you are pregnant /have post natal sex droughts, you'll be wondering if he's getting it elsewhere. If he's distant, or too loving towards you, you'll be wondering and worrying.

He's lying. Maybe he really thinks you can accidentally shag someone but really, no. No you can't. At any stage you can stop. You can stop after the first kiss and cop yourself on. You can stop when clothes start coming off and run like hell away. At any stage. And he didn't - because he was liking what he was doing too much.

Why do all that to yourself love?

YouWithoutEnd · 03/03/2023 12:48

Why did your DH need to step in and play happy families with her and her toddler after a relationship split? Millions of women globally manage to sort themselves and their children out after a relationship break up without needing to borrow someone else’s husband for support!

Sounds like your DH was rather keenly waiting in the wings for a vacancy to arise in that household.

What does your DH say about it all? Is he devastated? Sorry? Does he want your forgiveness and to make things work?

cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 12:48

Yeah, to be fair, he'd have to stop contacting her. That's a bit disrespectful.

redwoodtree · 03/03/2023 12:48

No way would I forgive that. You don’t accidentally sleep with someone. I’d worry that he’s taken advantage of her vulnerability too.

Clymene · 03/03/2023 12:48

So he's wanted to fuck her for years but she was in a relationship. The moment she isn't, he does.

You and your marriage and your child mean less to him than his dick.

I can't think why you'd want to stay with him. Cut your losses as he's going to do it again.

LadyHarmby · 03/03/2023 12:48

Two things that make this something I wouldn’t forgive.

First is that you’ve only been married a year. If he can’t remain faithful at this point, what’s he going to be like in ten years? Twenty years?

Second is that they’ve know each other a long time. So there’s an emotional element to it, it’s not just a meaningless shag.

Its not so much that’s it’s unforgivable in itself, it’s more that it doesn’t bode well for the future of your marriage and it would be better to pull the plug now.

itsabigtree · 03/03/2023 12:49

No, do not forgive him. Get far, far away from him. This man does not love or care about you. I am so sorry, it must hurt so much.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/03/2023 12:50

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:44

She had always been in a relationship for as long as I've known DH, she got into her relationship just before me and DH met.

He was helping with her toddler as he wanted to be supportive and let friend have time on her own, I was a bit Hmm at the time as she has other friends/the dad/the dads family etc that could be doing that but I wasn't suspicious of DH, I just found it odd.

I'm unsure whether DH has feelings for her but he did say before they slept together she had admitted to fancying him in the past. I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

He won’t cut contact with her because he’s known her longer but they’ve agreed not to fuck again - we’ll that’s bloody big of them the cheeky fucking fuckers

get rid, seriously, he’s an arse!

Survey99 · 03/03/2023 12:50

it was a mistake

I do believe "some" relationships can be saved after a betrayal. But only if both parties can be totally honest with each other. He didn't make a mistake, he actively chose to cheat on you, he needs to own that and explain so you can make your own decisions. You don't want to be with someone who is "accident" prone as they will do it to you again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread