Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
MyOtherUsernameIsDave · 03/03/2023 11:55

You don’t accidentally have sex with someone else.

Very easy to say something was a mistake afterwards. A mistake is putting the bin out on the wrong day, not having sex with another woman. Did he ‘forget’ he married you a year ago?

It won’t happen again? Hilarious! So he’s just gone ‘oops silly me’, then.

What consequences does he have and where is the responsibility?

Minimalme · 03/03/2023 11:56

Unless you want to have kids with a man who has 'accidents' involving his penis, I'd walk away now.

cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 11:56

Unpopular opinion, but I'd forgive him if he is reasonable enough to apologise, be able to self-reflect and take responsibility for his wrongdoings and not blame it on you.

He has shown maturity and owning up to his mistake helps him learn and be a better person in the future.

However, I don't claim to be the wisest or to know everything about relationships there is to know, just my 2 Cents.

Floralnomad · 03/03/2023 11:57

Nobody sleeps with someone by accident
For me it would be the end because I would spend the rest of the time we were together wondering when it will happen again - because it likely will and that’s no way to live .

HoleyShit · 03/03/2023 11:57

Wow. He's been pretty nonchalant about it! How did you find out?

Personally I couldn't forgive this but each to their own

notthisagainforest · 03/03/2023 11:58

Did he own up out of guilt or did he get found out ?

billy1966 · 03/03/2023 11:59

Not a chance.

Be glad you don't have children with him.

He's a disgusting cheater who took his probably long awaited chance with her.

A complete loser.

Don't waste your future on him.

He will 100% cheat again and I would bet he has before this too.

I'm so sorry for you, but bravery is required here.

Do not stay.

Tell family and friends the truth, so you get maximum support.

You will get through this.

Cas112 · 03/03/2023 12:00

I bet it's not the only time and if it is, then it won't be

FloydPepper · 03/03/2023 12:01

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 03/03/2023 11:39

OP nobody can make this decision but you.

It’s so easy for strangers to say ‘leave him’ or ‘I would never forgive that’ but this is your marriage and we are not there when the door closes at night.

We are only human and we make mistakes.

This is mumsnet. A woman’s affair is a forgivable mistake, a man’s is not.

ijustneedanamefgs · 03/03/2023 12:01

If this is someone he’s been friends with for a long time he didn’t just get the hots for them at that moment out of the blue. This isn’t someone instant physical attraction crap. There was obviously already feelings there and possibly an emotional affair already. This has been building up. He’s had these feelings during your 1st year of marriage and likely during and before your wedding. That’s not ok. Is he willing to never see this person again?

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 03/03/2023 12:04

he didn't mean for it to happen! hahahahaaa what, did she just accidentally fall on his penis while they were both naked/

Don't let him off the hook, cut your loses and get rid.

maddy68 · 03/03/2023 12:04

Ignore what everyone else is saying. This is a decision for you alone.

If he has admitted it. And you want to continue together. What steps is he taking to reassure you ?

This is a you decision not a Mumsnet one.

Original poster
ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:05

We were together for 2.5 years before we got married, I do have a DS but he isn't his bio father but apart from that, he acts like he is as he's been in his life since he was 10 months.

I didn't suspect anything, he admitted it which makes me more unsure of what to do as he was obviously feeling guilty enough about it to tell me.

OP posts:
dawngreen · 03/03/2023 12:06

Yeah she is a long time friend, and he has hung around until she is single again. What guy helps another women with the baby? I would lose all trust and respect for him. And who is the farther to the baby?

Trickedbyadoughnut · 03/03/2023 12:08

I would struggle with the fact that he's almost trying to dismiss it as an accident, as really it sounds like the physical attraction was there and she wouldn't act on it while she was in a relationship - almost like he has been waiting for an opportunity.

I'm sorry, OP, I hope you have good people around you who can give you a massive hug.

BadNomad · 03/03/2023 12:12

You can't really trust a man who accidentally has sex with people. It's not like you've had a long, sexless marriage where you can sort of understand why this kind of thing might happen. He just casually fucked a friend because they spent some time together. That would be a no for me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2023 12:13

maddy68 · 03/03/2023 12:04

Ignore what everyone else is saying. This is a decision for you alone.

If he has admitted it. And you want to continue together. What steps is he taking to reassure you ?

This is a you decision not a Mumsnet one.

She’s posted literally asking for other people’s views. Don’t be daft.

NextToTheRadio · 03/03/2023 12:14

Woops, he slipped and put his dick into another women. Poor him.

Leave him, it will happen again. You will never trust him again.

Wysterias · 03/03/2023 12:16

So sorry OP. Sadly no one can make that decision for you. I personally think human nature dictates a relationship will never feel remotely the same again after such an enormous betrayal unless the marriage was shite to start with. You need to raise your bar OP.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 03/03/2023 12:16

BadNomad · 03/03/2023 12:12

You can't really trust a man who accidentally has sex with people. It's not like you've had a long, sexless marriage where you can sort of understand why this kind of thing might happen. He just casually fucked a friend because they spent some time together. That would be a no for me.

Agree with this.

DoNotGetADog · 03/03/2023 12:16

Like others have said, there’s no way this is just a one-off or a “mistake.” If they’re such close friends that he’s helping her look after her toddler and supporting her through the break-up and he has done this, then at the very least he has held a candle for her for a long time, but she’s not been available. As soon as she was single it’s happened.

Who knows - maybe she hasn’t felt that way about him and maybe she does really regret it as you may well do if you slept with a friend when you’re in a vulnerable position after a break-up. That doesn’t change what your husband has done though, which is appalling.

Worse scenario - any chance that that toddler he’s so keen to help with is actually his?

Whatever the other details though he has been unfaithful to you with what I would see as the worst person - someone he is really close to already. It wasn’t some drunken random shag that meant nothing.

yentirb · 03/03/2023 12:17

No way would I forgive this

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/03/2023 12:18

Jeezo. I wouldn’t forgive him, no (and when it happened to me, I didn’t). He’s betrayed your trust, lied, and treated you like shit. Whether you forgive him (this time..) or not is up to you, of course. But someone who cheats this early and this easily will do it again op. Sorry you are going through this, I’ve been there.

NowAAT · 03/03/2023 12:18

Just a year into the marriage and he couldn't respect you enough to keep his prick in his pants?

Leave that dirty bastard!

Run while it's relatively new and save yourself from years of heartache.

mamnotmum · 03/03/2023 12:19

No. Absolutely no.