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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 07/03/2023 11:14

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested that the OP should get herself tested for STDs?

80s · 07/03/2023 11:16

Growlybear83 · 07/03/2023 11:14

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested that the OP should get herself tested for STDs?

Don't think so? And to insist on a condom in future, should sex be on the cards.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/03/2023 11:19

You're giving him the green light to have sex with other women... as long as he apologises it's all good

Apairofsparklingeyes · 07/03/2023 12:38

Please get yourself tested for STIs, whatever the future holds for you. It’s really important that you look after your health and he’s put you at risk by sleeping with someone else. If you are staying with him, don’t have any children with him (no matter what he says!) because he has proved that you can’t rely on him long term. I wish you lots of luck and hope that you’re ok Flowers

FlippyFloppyShoe · 07/03/2023 12:42

ch91566 · 06/03/2023 18:15

No, I don't just want free childcare and moneyHmm. I don't want us to split for the sake of DS as if we split we’d more than likely also have to move near family if I couldn't afford to stay where we are now, which would then mean I wouldn't have a job and DS would be going to a new school.

I have spoken to DH and he has said he isn't going to cut contact but he's told her they need some distance for a while.

Don't use your son as an excuse he isn't very old and plenty of children have to move schools.
Look for jobs doing what you are currently doing back nearer your support network and then don't ever move for a bloke again

Original poster
ch91566 · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.

OP posts:
FlippyFloppyShoe · 07/03/2023 16:27

@ch91566 you are queen of drip feeding, or maybe a chatbot and they need to fine tune the emotional side. Good luck with your life

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 16:40

Well you can’t stay in a marriage with a man who is already cheating on you with someone he has fancied for nearly twenty years to avoid your son having to move school. Or you can but it will be a life of utter misery for you.

Sheitgeist · 07/03/2023 16:44

ch91566 · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.

You'll go to bed with a man just so your child can stay in his school?

callthataspade · 07/03/2023 16:44

ch91566 · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.

Oh well that's okay then

I'm with the other posters. I'm out. Good luck!

ProfessionalWeirdo · 07/03/2023 16:54

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.
**
You'll go to bed with a man just so your child can stay in his school?

And you'll stay with an unfaithful husband for the same reason?

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 16:58

It doesn't matter then if you forgive him now. Or if he cheats again. You're staying with him for other reasons. Not because of faithfulness and loyalty.

Holidaywwyd · 07/03/2023 17:06

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 16:58

It doesn't matter then if you forgive him now. Or if he cheats again. You're staying with him for other reasons. Not because of faithfulness and loyalty.

This. I mean... we're all different but seriously. If he won't even cut contact than wtf do you (his wife!) actually mean to him.

I could not be with someone like that.

Crumpleton · 07/03/2023 17:35

ch91566 · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.

In that case OP can YOU yourself forgive your DH for sleeping with his friend and are you willing to turn a blind eye to the fact that they may/will continue their friends with benefits meet ups?

If you do decide to stay it certainly won't do your DS any good if you argue and make snide remarks around him so total forgiveness and as your DH effectively says get over it, forget it happen and move on.

You've excepted you're second best.

ijustneedanamefgs · 07/03/2023 17:37

Well in answer to your op as you aren’t going to leave him and he isn’t even willing to give up the friendship despite what happened, you both need to forgive him and accept it’s going to keep happening. And that he has no respect for you as he doesn’t see the problem.
Tbh from his end there is no problem, nothing has changed for him and he now knows he can sleep with other people and you won’t do anything.

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/03/2023 18:07

Absolutely not no.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 07/03/2023 18:15

OP, how old is your son?

Ginger1982 · 07/03/2023 19:30

You're a mug if you just carry on and he will be laughing all the way to her bed.

Frankola · 07/03/2023 20:07

I do believe people make mistakes.

There are a couple of things I think you need to address though before you make any decision.

  1. You don't just accidentally sleep with someone. Especially when you're married. There is obviously a "reason" this happened in your DHs head and I'd want to know what that is. You need to address the issue to both ensure it doesn't happen again.
  1. I'd be insisting he cut contact. It's, quite frankly, tough tits they've been friends longer than your relationship. They have crossed a boundary and done something normal "friends" don't routinely just do with each other. He needs to respect that and show you so by cutting her out.
ballsdeep · 07/03/2023 21:01

Op this is ridiculously sad. What hold must he have over you to treat you this way? You’re just putting up with it, not wanting to move your son to a different school. You are coming across as really down trodden and really quite blasé about the whole thing. No wonder he won’t cut contact with her. Why would he?! He is having the best of both worlds .

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2023 22:45

ch91566 · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.

But you ARE using your son as an excuse. Children, even with SEN, are uprooted everyday for many reasons and manage to adjust after a time. And moving to a peaceful home with no stress or emotional upheaval would be a positive thing. And moving to an area where you have family for him to connect with could turn out to be an even more positive thing for him and make his transition to a new school easier.

But if you are determined to stick it out, for your own sanity you need to work on 'emotionally divorcing' yourself from your cheating H (not 'D'). You need to get to a place where you don't care what he does, where you have formed your own support circle and live your own life without regards to him.

You've only been married a year. Why would you want to condemn yourself to the next 30, 40, 50 years of his cheating and parading it right in front of your nose? Also, I assume your DS is relatively young. How much harder is it going to be on him if this whole thing blows up 5 or 10 years from and you're faced with taking him out of familiar surroundings and friends he's had for years. With your H being so blatant about this, you're sitting on a powder keg. At some point your H may just decide that the pastures ARE greener on his 'friend's' side of the fence and she may open the gate to let him in!

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/03/2023 00:11

ch91566 · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'm not using DS as an excuse, but he is very settled at his school which took a while and he has suspected asd so if he's uprooted to a new area that he isn't very familiar with and new school etc it'll be a brand new routine that he'll struggle with.

It is really sad that your DP had so little regard for you and for the children.

Staying to protect yourDS from change is something I can understand (because you are able to consider them and not just your own pain) BUT you are most likely simply delaying the change and perhaps adding pain and distress for him as things fall apart slowly.

Your DP had made no plans to change his behaviour-he will do this again.

You will be still left deciding to leave each time.

Can you stay and share your DP?
Can you stay and live separately?
Would you prefer to leave?

The choice you don't have is to turn things back to before his 'accident' .

ElonsMusky · 08/03/2023 01:40

Infidelity is an automatic no go for me. I told my hubby back when we were dating that there are no "do overs" when it comes to cheating.

Every couple I know that had a cheater in the mix and tried to move on from it continue to have problems. How can you ever trust him again? F that.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 08/03/2023 15:11

But you ARE using your son as an excuse. Children, even with SEN, are uprooted everyday for many reasons and manage to adjust after a time. And moving to a peaceful home with no stress or emotional upheaval would be a positive thing. And moving to an area where you have family for him to connect with could turn out to be an even more positive thing for him and make his transition to a new school easier ... I assume your DS is relatively young. How much harder is it going to be on him if this whole thing blows up 5 or 10 years from and you're faced with taking him out of familiar surroundings and friends he's had for years. With your H being so blatant about this, you're sitting on a powder keg. At some point your H may just decide that the pastures ARE greener on his 'friend's' side of the fence and she may open the gate to let him in!

OP, I appreciate that you might be putting your son's needs ahead of your own here. But please ask yourself: if your cheating husband leaves you at some point in the future, will you then be in a better or a worse position than you are now?

DahliaRose3 · 10/03/2023 01:55

Follow your bliss. Everything will work out for you even if you choose to leave him. Don’t let fear dictate your life. You deserve better for yourself.