DH cheated - do I forgive him?

[ch91566]

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

I don't think he will cut contact ...

Then that would solidify my decision
You were right not to automatically distrust him for having female friends, but now this has happened cutting contact is the very least he could offer - and even then you'd never know if he'd actually done it

Sorry, OP, but it sounds pretty clear that he expects to go on playing you both (and probably thoroughly enjoying it)

So he was completely prepared to risk losing you and his marriage for a one night stand?

I think he told you about this because he wants you to divorce him so he can be with his OW.

You're his 2nd choice. He had the choice to be with you and remain with you or have a (minimum of) one night with her and he chose her.

That tells you everything you need to know.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

Really?
Whenever I read this sort of justification statement I literally cringe.
It's just missing the "oh by the way our clothes fell off and my dick fell into her vag, but hey shit happens a"

Only a year into your marriage and he makes a 'mistake', one that he really doesn't seem to be overly bothered by and thinks it's the norm and you should just except his explanation.

Assuming the OW knew your DH had a wife?
What a sweetheart she is!

It sounds like he's testing you to see what you'll allow. I'd bet money that they've been intimate before, these things don't just happen. I'm sorry that you're going through this but just be glad that you've found out this quickly, I'd definitely walk away from the marriage, especially one so young. It's always going to tear you up each time they spend time together.

It's so annoying when your clothes just accidentally fall off and you trip over and end up unexpected having sex with someone.

Personally I wouldn't be able to forgive that or forgive the fact that he thought I was daft enough to believe it was accident.

Chances are it wasn't just a random heat of the moment thing. If he's been supporting her and going round often it's likely there's been a build up to it. Innuendos, flirting, hugging etc. He could have nipped it in the bud at any point but he's let it escalate to the point of having sex.

So he was hovering around waiting for his chance with her now she was vulnerable.

God he really is scum.

NOTHING accidental about what happened at all.

In your place, with a child, I would suit myself and get myself in a good place financially and then dump him.

If that means biding time till your child gets free hours etc., do it.

But he's scum and not to be trusted.

Don't get pregnant by him whatever you do.

Get organised and get out when it suits YOU.

He's expecting to still be friends with the person he was adulterous with? No, that would mean he's prioritising them over you, and that would be the decision easily made for me.

They’ve agreed to pretend it never happened?? And you’re just supposed to fall in line with their way of thinking?
Sadly it did happen and can’t just be brushed under the carpet. Actions gave consequences and it feels like your husband thinks his are just an accident to be minimised.
Has he even acknowledged the impact on you?

Wow!! And this assumes he wants you to also pretend it never happened??
Yet you have to live with the fact your ‘new’ husband has shagged another woman within a year or so of marrying you! Pretty much all comments here have come to the same conclusion…randomers or not, you know what will be best for you and your son in the long term.

Time to show some self respect and hold your head high (rather than spending the rest of your life wondering who else he may have ‘accidentally’ [bullshit] fucked)

What would his response be if you happened to say “ Oh gosh yeah that reminds me, I accidentally shagged a bloke from work that was struggling with a project and needed some support!” ?

You’ve got a tough ride ahead but only for the short term…..then you’ll be free to find a man who respects and loves you 💐

Just for balance. And hopefully you read this far down the thread - my DH cheated on me shortly after we got married with his ex.
He admitted it. He was very drunk. I was very angry, he was very sorry and we argued lots. I decided to give it a go and it took years before trust was rebuilt and we were back to 'normal'. That was 15 years ago - lots has happened since then. Both ups and downs but we have learnt to communicate well, we both make time for each other, make each other laugh and love each other.
The general consensus is always 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. But it can work out. I'm happy and I would say our relationship is a healthy one.
I hope, whatever you decide, you find some respect from him and happiness.

Thing is op, if she lays on her back so easily for a married man, then how many others were there before him.
If you fancy a trip to the GUM clinic and a course of antibiotics, courtesy of him and a slapper, then continue the marriage.
She won't be the last.

It all depends on you really. You may be able to get past this but for me it would be no. Once the trust has gone they are gone.
I've divorced two husband for this. I don't expect my husband to be inserting his penis into other people.

Yeah, no. He would be gone.
Also, who gives a fuck if he's known her longer, at the very minimum I would be insisting she is out of his life if he wanted us to move forward from this.
Personally though, I couldn't move forward.
I'd never be able to sleep with him again without imagining him sleeping with her.
I'd never trust him again.
I'd also want to punch her in the tits for sleeping with a taken man (and yes, she does hold some responsibility here, lets not always defend the woman in these circumstances. Not as much as ops husband, but she was aware, very aware, that he wasn't single).

You're worth more than this.
Tell him to take his cheating arse elsewhere.

I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me,

Then it’s over.

They obviously aren’t that regretful that it happened else they would have both agreed to cut contact with each other.

Not cutting contact means they are willing to take the risk of it happening again.

They are friends, they have feelings for each other, they are sexually attracted to each other, they’ve now had sex and they’re not willing to cut contact - sorry but that is an affair or relationship waiting to happen.

You are kidding yourself. He fancies her. There was no need for him to be helping her with her child. Unless he is actually the dad. Who cares how long he has known her, he is married to you! It is completely disrespectful that he has confessed this to you and then said we’re going to keep doing exactly the same thing in terms of spending time together but don’t worry I promise not to shag her again. Wise up. If a friend told you this what would you say to them? He is playing you for a fool.

This, you don’t just accidentally have sexual intercourse with someone. He is completely minimising his behaviour. I doubt very much it was “only the once” too

Just to add to my post about my cheating husband. He cut contact with her and we decided to move away for a fresh start (mostly my decision).
If he had wanted to stay in contact with her it wouldn't have worked between us. I wouldn't have stood for that.

Thing is op, if she lays on her back so easily for a married man, then how many others were there before him.
If you fancy a trip to the GUM clinic and a course of antibiotics, courtesy of him and a slapper, then continue the marriage.
She won't be the last.

OP said she is single.
It is DH who has caused the OP’s upset.

She is not the slapper as she is single, her DH is the one that’s in the wrong and the male equivalent.

If he doesn't cut contact, bless him and set him free.

I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

Fuck that. Not cutting contact with her is showing you so much disrespect. It sounds like she's single for the first time since you and him met and took her chance which he clearly wanted too. Bin him

Anyone who cheats on their partner has got a serious character flaw and can’t be trusted.

If he won't cut contact with her then that means he values her more than you.

Only been together about 3 years and he's cheated in your first year of marriage, jumped straight in to help/shag an 'old friend' as soon as she split up with her partner and they're going to carry on being friends?! Cut your losses NOW, please do not waste your life on this man. He's not your son's father, you never have to see him again, you barely have any history together, you could move on from this so quickly if you chose to.

Not seeing anything to save.

In your situation - pretty short relationship and not the father of the child - I would end it.

He actually prioritises her in his life over the relationship with you, IMO. Sorry to be blunt

If you say you will try again they will shag again is my hunch.