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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money from my mum

669 replies

Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 10:56

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

OP posts:
PillBoxes · 03/03/2023 10:59

Has she actually asked you straight out to pay it back right now?

Hoppinggreen · 03/03/2023 11:00

It would be nice for her to write it off and as a Mum I certainly would but it was agreed as a loan so if she does want you to pay it back then I think you need to unfortunately

Nucon · 03/03/2023 11:01

This is a difficult one, because your debts aren't almost cleared as you still owe £10k to your mum. You took it on the agreement that you would pay it back as soon as you could and now you are thinking that you're in the position to but don't really want to. Even though it does sound like she doesn't really need it

slamfightbrightlight · 03/03/2023 11:03

You need to sit down with her and lay out your financial situation and come to an agreement with her. That might include writing it off when she dies, it might not. But best to have an honest conversation with her about it rather than let it linger.

LolaButt · 03/03/2023 11:04

Sadly, you can only be responsible for your side of this deal - which was the agreement to repay.

In reality you would hope your mum would write it off, but it doesn’t sound like it.

I would wait for her to ask for repayment though and then offer £50 a month.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/03/2023 11:04

I think you sound very judgmental and resentful of your mum’s situation tbh. The “My late dad’s pension” comment is spiteful.

If you were my daughter, I’d let it go but my daughter doesn’t resent that one day I’ll receive my husbands pension if he pre-deceases me. Maybe she is irritated by your attitude?

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 11:07

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/03/2023 11:04

I think you sound very judgmental and resentful of your mum’s situation tbh. The “My late dad’s pension” comment is spiteful.

If you were my daughter, I’d let it go but my daughter doesn’t resent that one day I’ll receive my husbands pension if he pre-deceases me. Maybe she is irritated by your attitude?

Not resentful at all. I was just preempting someone commenting that my mum had worked all her life for her pension - that’s all. I don’t begrudge her receiving it at all.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 03/03/2023 11:07

So if you break up with your partner, can you still support yourself?

I think I’d be annoyed at your unwillingness to be financially independent.

takealettermsjones · 03/03/2023 11:08

Am I understanding correctly that you cleared about £28k of debt in two years? If that's the case then this £10k would take you nine months to clear, at the same speed. You've done brilliantly to get yourself in this position, but yes I would see it as the work not finished and you need to keep going for a little while. Also be very careful to protect yourself financially if you're going to buy a house with a new partner.

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 11:09

Hoppinggreen · 03/03/2023 11:00

It would be nice for her to write it off and as a Mum I certainly would but it was agreed as a loan so if she does want you to pay it back then I think you need to unfortunately

This is it - if it had been one of my kids I would have written it off. But yes, as it was agreed as a loan then I do feel an obligation to pay it back. I think it’s trying to handle the situation where it’s paid back but it can’t be at the rate that I’ve been clearing my debts - I’ve spent the last 2 years living like I’m penniless to pay them back and I just want to be able to live a little. I’m fed up of not living

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 03/03/2023 11:12

Sorry, I know it would be nice to be debt free, but you are still in 10k of debt. It is a large sum of money to have leant you.

Kittykat9070 · 03/03/2023 11:13

Probably totally different to what others may think but I’m going to go by what I would do if I was your mother in this situation..

It would give me pleasure to say don’t worry about the money, I can’t understand how a parent is in a position to take pressure off their daughter and not be affected and not do it.

She also had financial support from your father to be in the position she is today, so I really can’t see why she’d think differently of you. I wonder what your dad would have done in this situation?

Well done on clearing your debts, when you were at your lowest you pushed yourself and came out the other side. You should be very proud

TomatoSandwiches · 03/03/2023 11:14

What if your mother ends up needing all her monies for care later on and there is nothing for your sibling at all? That's not fair at all.

No, I think you should pay her back completely and in full, you have enough time for savings after you have repaid your debt.
As for how much each month, you should work out how much you can realistically and reliably budget for and start from there in a conversation with her.

NextToTheRadio · 03/03/2023 11:14

You need to talk to your mum.

It was a loan, which you need to pay back, unless your mum agrees to write it off.

Personally I would have just given my child the money, but your mum didn't agree to that.

So sorry you have struggled so much.

ChildcareIsBroken · 03/03/2023 11:14

I think the idea to include it in the will is a very good one. This way hopefully your siblings won't resent you receiving the money.
Having said that if my sister or daughter was in this situation I'd do anything to help her and wouldn't ask for that money back unless I struggled myself. And I can't believe your mum didn't help you more so you had to use a food bank. Unless there's a massive drip feed, she should have helped.
Are you now financially independent? What happens if you split with your partner?

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 03/03/2023 11:15

You haven't cleared your debts though, you just didn't factor in the other 10k your owe your mum.

It doesn't sound like she said anything though, it's you that assumed that's what she was thinking.

It's great that you've managed to clear so much debt that quickly, it will only take a little longer to pay your mum back at that rate.

GasPanic · 03/03/2023 11:15

Different people have different attitudes to money. There is no right or wrong. To me your mum sounds a bit ungenerous. But no one really knows the situation of your mums finances and what she may need or think she needs the money for.

Ultimately you made an agreement with her, and you should pay her back IMO.

ChildcareIsBroken · 03/03/2023 11:15

Kittykat9070 · 03/03/2023 11:13

Probably totally different to what others may think but I’m going to go by what I would do if I was your mother in this situation..

It would give me pleasure to say don’t worry about the money, I can’t understand how a parent is in a position to take pressure off their daughter and not be affected and not do it.

She also had financial support from your father to be in the position she is today, so I really can’t see why she’d think differently of you. I wonder what your dad would have done in this situation?

Well done on clearing your debts, when you were at your lowest you pushed yourself and came out the other side. You should be very proud

This.

Elsiebear90 · 03/03/2023 11:16

It would be nice for her to write it off, but maybe she’s thinking about the fairness of giving you 10k and not your sibling(s), my mum and dad are all about fairness, so I know there’s no way they would give me 10k and not my brother no matter how rich they are. I borrowed some money from my parents so I could buy my first house and I paid it back every month for two years, you took out a loan with the agreement when you could you would pay it back, so you need to stick to this unless your mum says otherwise.

I would tread very carefully when offering suggestions of having it taken out your inheritance otherwise your mum might be very reluctant to borrow you any money again in the future if you need it as you obviously don’t want to stick to the agreement.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 11:17

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

If she didn't actually say that then you've clearly jumped the gun here. Why not be the one to bring it up and talk about it openly? She might surprise you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/03/2023 11:18

Not resentful at all. I was just preempting someone commenting that my mum had worked all her life for her pension - that’s all. I don’t begrudge her receiving it at all.“

Re-read your original post. Sorry but if “she spends money like water” isn’t judgemental and resentful I don’t know what is.
Even if she does, so what? It’s her money.

You may come across equally negatively to your mum. Our kids are very much of the opinion that what we do with our money at our time of life is entirely our business. If we want to blow their inheritance on sports cars and holidays, they’d say good for you.
Wouldn’t dream of it but they have a point.

Parky04 · 03/03/2023 11:19

If I was your parent, I would congratulate you on turning your life around, and would write the debt off.

That said, your mum isn't wrong if she expects the loan to be repaid.

Original poster
Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 11:19

MarieRoseMarie · 03/03/2023 11:07

So if you break up with your partner, can you still support yourself?

I think I’d be annoyed at your unwillingness to be financially independent.

My unwillingness to be financially independent? My marriage ended due to abuse - emotionally, physically and financially. Hence massive debts and being saddled with them. Going through massive depression as a result of it all and yet pushing myself upwards through it all to clear almost £30k of debt - yeah looks like I’m really unwilling to be financially independent

OP posts:
Aprilx · 03/03/2023 11:20

Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 11:07

Not resentful at all. I was just preempting someone commenting that my mum had worked all her life for her pension - that’s all. I don’t begrudge her receiving it at all.

Show quote history

I agree with previous poster, you went to great lengths to set the scene that your mother is basically work shy and has had everything handed to her whilst you are obviously a saint who got into massive amounts of debt through no fault of your own. 🙄

You said you would pay it back, so pay it back. Maybe your mother would like to see you take more financial responsibility.

DoorstoManual · 03/03/2023 11:20

My son owes me £2k from an incoming inheritance, I will collect and unbeknownst to him, stick it in a savings account and dribble it back to him, but he is very aware that he owes it and is adamant that when the inheritance lands I am top of the list.

I believe it is called financial responsibility.

Grow up if a 21 year old can do it, then so can you.