Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

I’d ask for it to be taken into account in the Will.

You’ve made it clear that she doesn’t need the cash and that you’re not looking to get this for nothing and screw over family etc.

You’ve also worked very hard to get back on your feet so you’re obviously not a scrounger.

If I was your parent I’d be embarrassed to ask for it back now if I didn’t need it, but would be concerned about “being fair” to any other children.

Not really. What I was making clear there is that my siblings have had significant help through the years too - that there isn’t any way that they could view the help I received at that time to be unfair to them or unreasonable under the circumstances. My initial post I hadn’t mentioned siblings since the loan is simply between myself and my mum and I don’t consider my sibling to have any issue with it.

Have you considered your sibling has the same financial arrangement as you? I.e a open ended non interest loan for the car?

Much of your post is irrelevant. It’s irrelevant that the 10k was lost in the house sale, or how she ended up with that money, or even how well off she is. She generously lent you 10k and gave you an until you can afford it time to pay her back interest free.
You seem to think this makes it less important than your other debts. You accept you probably/maybe should pay it but not at the rate you have been paying the others cause you want to live now, spend more. Would you feel that way if this was a debt to a company? If it had interest attached? You took out more debt for a car while having this debt still.
You sound entitled to me tbh, and asking her to include it in an inheritance also makes you sound so. Who says you are getting an inheritance? And it’s a bit like “hey mum can I repay you after you die?” Like seriously? If you are going to do that then just ask her to wave the debt.

@Finallyoutofthewoods ignore the dicks on here. Small, spiteful people.

so sorry your ex did that to you, well done for fighting your way out of it.

tbh, if my wealthy mum had stood by and seen my children eat from a food bank rather than help out, we’d no longer have a relationship.

I’d go down the Will route personally then if she agrees you don’t need to think about it any more and it shows that you haven’t forgotten about it. The worst she can say is no or ask for you to pay any costs involved in making the amendment.

There's a lot of emotion in your post about how hard things have been for you.

Sadly, that's not really relevant. You borrowed money with the agreement that you would pay it back.

As a parent, I would like to think I wouldn't ask for it back. But I would be disappointed if my daughter didn't fully intend to.

You haven’t cleared your debts though, you’ve still got £10k debt. It was a loan, you need to treat it as one.

All of this.

Your mum is very mean to watch you living off food banks when she could have helped

I also think your Mum is cold to be so wealthy and watch her kid and grandkids eat from a food bank. She might have been wanting to make you get in a good position by yourself, because handing you money is not a long term fix. But either way, I couldn't do that to my family for any reason!

Your mum hasn't asked for the money back yet.

You sound as though both you and your ex lived beyond your means for quite a while. But you are getting yourself sorted.
What you want Mumsnet to say is that your mum should gift you the money and that it wasn't a loan.

Either way, what will matter is what your mum thinks. Not anyone else.

I honestly don't think that your mum cares about the money itself, but rather that you are making an effort to repay. If she is like my FIL (who lent us a hefty sum towards our house) he doesn't care about how long it would take to repay or how much we repay, but just showing the effort and that we aren't taking his original help for granted.

It sounds like you cleared your debt at a great speed, so perhaps you can sit down, draft out a budget and find a reasonable amount that you can repay her monthly while also keeping money back to enjoy life with your children? Best of both worlds then, as it shows willing to your mum but also you get to live a little.

I would pay her back. Your agreement was clear.
You will soon be 'sorted'.
You owe her the money.

Now if I was your mum, I wouldn't dream of asking for it back unless I was destitute! But just because others would not ask for you to keep your promise that doesn't mean she can't or she's wrong for wanting back what you borrowed.

You would feel better if you started paying the loan back - say 50 per fortnight. In eight years you will have paid it back.

Either of those options sound fine to me. Having it acknowledged in her will sounds most sensible.

I’d acknowledge I owed her £10K, then ask about the wills idea, or if she didn’t like that then ask if I could defer paying her this until I had the whole lump sum saved up as in the meantime it would be acting as an emergency fund. I wouldn’t agree £100 a month, if you think she genuinely doesn’t need it.

Anyway - well done you on getting out of debt. That’s brilliant. Be proud!

You could find that being an adult and approaching her first with a repayment plan would inspire her to write the debt off, she may surprise you op, she may just want to see how you go about this first.

I honestly find it extraordinary that so many people think her mum should treat it like a loan when she’s not in any way poor. If that was me and I could afford it I’d be as generous as I could manage especially if my adult child had been through the wringer. I’d give the money with love not a ledger!

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me.

I can't even. So i won't. Just listen to yourself.

You owe your mum 10k. Pay her back, make a schedule and pay her back. And FFS don't talk to her about her will.

@Finallyoutofthewoods i can see anyone has suggested this.

Yes you should repay the £10k, no you don’t have to repay it at the rate you repaid other debts.

As your income is variable with bonus’ have you considered setting up a regular savings account where you put £100 per month plus say half of any Bonus you receive. Once you have saved £5k pay that back in a lump sum and say you will do the same when you have saved the next £5k.

Personally if I had loaned £10k I would prefer it to be repaid in a lump sum rather than regular payments.

As you repaid nearly £30k of debt in 5 years have a think about what you could save in a year whilst also having some money for you. Could you aim to save £2,500 (c£200 a month) so you repay in 4 years?

Well I can't get over this either. I'm by no means wealthy but if a family member or friend were using a food bank I'd have to step in.

I feel exactly the same.

If you borrow from a bank, there are no emotional ties

You borrowed from your DM, so you have emotional ties

What you could do, is take out a 10k loan from a bank & pay your DM back in full. Then it is done !

Or you pay X amount back to your DM per month out of your wages, until it is paid back

You need to decide

Well you do owe her the money. Depends whether or not she has asked you for it.

I’m in a similar position to you (including the being very open about LPA, will etc).

I would suggest working out your spare monthly cash and putting half into an account from now on, but waiting for your mum to raise the subject.

it will still give you some money to live a little, but when the issue does come up, you can tell her what you’ve been doing and offer her whatever lump sum you’ve managed to save and to continue paying her back at that rate until the debt is cleared.

I’d like to think in your mums shoes I would not ask for the money back and maybe have helped out more when it was needed. But maybe your mum thinks she is doing the best by you to encouraging you to work out your own finances.
You should be really proud of yourself. It can’t have been easy to get out of an abusive relationship and then turn things around and sacrifice everything to put your family in a better situation.
I would offer to pay back £50 a month for now and hope she turns you down.