Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

@inamarina we are wary of the fact that the OP is helping her DP build equity in his house without apparently seeing any share of it.

Actually people do paint private rentals as did my friend, and she put a new kitchen in, which was totally madness.

The post provided facts. About OPs history and situation and about her mother’s financial situation and habits. OP then asked what would people do and also started by saying that she expects lot of negative comments and asked for people to be kind.

In the UK it is not unusual for people use credit unlike many other countries.

Many people decided to only highlight certain part of OPs posts and put an additional spin on it.

To me the post didn’t read as if OP was slating her mother. Clearly many people interpreted it that way and voiced that view. Only OP knows how she truly feels about her mother and it is insulting to say such things if they are not true.

Comments about boob job are also uncalled for. Getting into advice about arrangements with OPs partner. OP didn’t ask opinions on that. What is the aim of such posts. Where is it coming from.

If I saw my child in hardship and I myself am comfortable I would find it hard watch and not help. I would hope the same would apply if I was in hardship and my child was comfortable. Yes, subject to some major background issues such as the hardship is due to gambling / drug addiction and giving money is just funding it. OP never said her mother didn’t help by providing the loan.

OP said she could tell that her mother was thinking it’s time to start paying back. OP also said she is aware it is debt, highlighted what she had in mind and asked people what would they do in her shoes before she was going to speak to her mum.

Those people who felt strongly that she should pay back as soon as possible did not achieve to get OP see their point. No positive outcome but a lot of mean and nasty comments.

If I saw my child in hardship knowing I can help but I chose not to I could also understand if they felt some resentment. It is my choice what I do with my hard earned money but I would also have to appreciate why my child might feel a bit resentful.

@Finallyoutofthewoods ... If I were you I'd end this post (don't know how as I've not posted on here before).

There are so many harsh and critical comments, cruel even. You asked for advice knowing it might be controversial, but I doubt you expected the level of hostility and abuse you've received.
Unfortunately many people give advise based on their own life experiences - so most definitely not impartial.
Honestly, you seem to know what's best to do. You were maybe hoping to receive more backup re delaying repayment (why come on here otherwise) and it's understandable when wanting to lead a happier life with your children, giving them things they've missed out on for a fair time.

But only your mum can offer that respite.
It must be incredibly difficult to face the struggles as a single mum and praying for a better life. I can only imagine the tears at night and wishing for better times - and yes, maybe help from family. If we can't turn to family in times of trouble etc. I personally couldn't bear to think of a loved one struggling if I were living very comfortably and in a position to change things. But didn't! 😔
People making assumptions on here is flabbergasting tbh! Some don't even ask questions, just fill in the blanks and form an opinion! Very odd!
So, go give your mum a hug, thank her for the help she's given and then just talk.

And best of luck to you and your children. x

@OutOnTheHills just for future reference, you can't end a post but you can unwatch it and turn off notifications.

@GoodChat ... Thank you 😊

Ok?
We have different opinions
It happens

Anybody - well, almost anybody - can find themselves in a financial mess. I suspect those who are so critical have either never experienced such a situation or take the view "I had to manage without help from my parents, so you should too." I don't really understand that way of thinking - why would you want to see someone close to you struggling when you could so easily help?

If I thought a child of mine - whatever age - was having a really hard time, and I had plenty of means to help, I would do so. Whether that help came as a loan or a gift would depend on the situation. If that person was careless with money and always getting into a mess, I would probably, at some stage, be unwilling to help. But in the OP's situation I would gift the money - or accept a few monthly payments and then write the debt off.

For what it’s worth, when I divorced my kids dad he had had a poor credit rating so all out joint credit (nowhere near your level but was a struggle for me) was in my name and when we split he was really determined he would pay half but that never happened so I understand what you mean OP.

I think my mum would expect it back but not my dad.

Exactly this. Me too.

Yes, exactly. It's hard to believe the lack of empathy and downright cruelty and judgement in some posts

Ok?
We have different opinions
It happens

There are different opinions and there are facts.

For example I still don’t know what is your opinion on this topic in general. Comfortable parent with enough means, child found themselves in a bad financial situation through series of events (no addictions). There are grandchildren in the picture as well and food banks had to be used at a point in time. The child worked very hard and did well to turn things around. Another child received support for car.

How much help should such child get? Everything is relative, child made purchases on credit in IKEA, had elective surgery that affected her daily life due to birth effect but not enough to be covered on the NHS. Some argue you can get even cheaper furniture second hand, wait with the surgery or don’t have it. The person didn’t want to do that and it’s the breakdown in marriage due to abuse that put them in difficult situation, as as far as the creditors are concerned it is the child’s name next to the debt.

Say the parent is penniless, how much help would be decent to provide? Now the parent is very comfortable, how much help would be decent to provide? My opinion is different levels of financial and emotional help would be provided depending on whether it’s the former or later.

For anyone interested look up Watson Glaser tests. They are very hard and not everyone is expected to be able to get a high score but the principle is about comprehension and critical thinking. When provided with something to read do we understand what the text is saying. People are naturally inclined to make additional assumptions, but is that what the text in front of us is saying? Until provided additional information we can only go with the text.

People can have different opinions but if people start assuming and projecting things onto others they might get called out.

This thread is insane!
The bank has loads of money so maybe we shouldn't pay them back either?

That’s more of the amateur psychology though. I’ve strong opinions on many matters, some of which I’ve no experience of… I don’t need to be on the receiving end of every type of CF behaviour before I can have a strong opinion on it.

We can have strong opinions on anything. But it is not on to twist someone else’s words, make a lot of assumptions about them and give them a beating.

If you had an experience in this situation and that’s why you saw the penny drop and felt the OP needed a jolt of reality, it is likely you were influenced by that experience as nothing in OPs posts warrant some of the responses she got.

If you don’t have a personal experience of this type of situation and therefore are not influenced by it the same still applies. Nothing in OPs posts warrant some of the responses she got.

So what is the motivation for such posts.

There are different opinions and there are facts
You're coming across as incredibly sanctimonious @OhMyOhMyiy ?
You have no deeper insight into the facts than anyone else reading op's posts, surely?
Other people's opinions do not jibe with yours. That is ok.

No, we all have the same information that is written in the posts. And then we form an opinion. Nothing in the posts deserves some of the posts OP received.

So unless someone is certain that what they are assuming is actually correct it is definitely not on to write some of the responses we have seen.

And even if some of the assumptions were correct it is questionable what did some of the posts achieve, so what was the point of them.

Well said.
Of course people have different opinions, beliefs and financial behaviours.

Are you in a lot of debt ?@OhMyOhMyiy
May be thats why you find my common sense approach so difficult to tolerate.
Its served me well over the years.

Honestly talk about the thread police!
If you have concerns then report.
Otherwise state your views and respectfully allow differing opinions.

No debt, very strong finances.

Gladly accept the crown of MN thread police.

Differing opinions yes. Pointlessly dick-ish ones, what is the motivation and point.

You tell me?
Constantly interfering and niggling at other posters comes under that heading.
Report as per guidelines or stop.

Gladly accept the crown of MN thread police.
Don't
It's not the accolade you appear to think it is. Do give over with your endless diatribes.

Not really, considering she's getting out of debt and has a partner still on the housing ladder.

Her partner is on the ladder. Not her. That's quite a precarious position to be in.

Ultimately you need to pay your mum back. It is her money and was a loan not a gift. I think offering her £100 a month when you say yourself you could clearly manage more is a pisstake. As others have said it will take about 10 years to pay back.

Yes, it would be nice of her to write it off. The fact she hasn't either says something about her, or something about you and your attitude/ responsibility re money which she is aware of and is preventing her from wanting to do so. Maybe she thinks you will come back for more, or she wants to "keep" it for her inheritance as that is safer than leaving you in charge of it. Or maybe it's simply her money and she wants to buy more blinds, which is her right too.