Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

I borrowed a similar sum from my Dad. Not long after my Dad died so I am repaying her instead (as she inherited everything from my Dad). I was hoping that she would say that it could come out of my inheritance but she hasn't and I didn't ask. Like you she is v comfortably off whereas things are tight for me as a single parent. I am currently repaying £50 a month which seemed like a good compromise - I would suggest proposing a low monthly figure

@MrsSkylerWhite

i think maybe she mentioned this to give a clear picture of her mothers financial situation? If she hadn’t mentioned this, posters may have suggested her mum can’t afford it and is struggling- then she’s be accused of drip feeding if she said this after.

I do understand what you’re saying, but I think sometimes we can read things differently to how they’re intended. You’re right, it is her mothers money to do as she pleases, but I’m shocked her Instinct wasn’t to help her daughter if she could.
That being said, OP is only ASSUMING what her mother is thinking, and without a conversation it’s unfair to make that assumption

Sorry that was meant to state my stepmother instead not 'her'!

You can't ask for it to be accounted for in her will, imo. I can't believe anyone would ask a living person about getting money in their will, to be honest. You're assuming that there will be money to pass on and that some of it will be coming to you. Neither of those things are guaranteed. Your mum would be well within her rights to spend every penny of her money cruising the world in her final years.

You have to consider your sibling here as well to keep things fair. So if your mum cleared your debt she would have to give the equivalent to your sibling. Which she might not have the cash to do

You do sound resentful of your mom. She gave you a lot of money as a loan and with no discussion of when you'd pay it back which I think is very generous. You sound like "why wouldn't she do it, she has more money than she needs". You definitely aren't coming across as grateful here- regardless of whether you feel gratitude or not, your tone on these posts grateful.

I think I'd come to her with your financial plan. And say if I pay you back £100 a month I'll still have £100 a month to save just in case it goes tits up, and to build a buffer and xyz. I'd approach her before she approaches you.

Yes I agree - it’s all about fairness. The £10k I have had however is a lot less than my sibling has received in the past. I never asked for anything and moved out of home in my very early 20s yet my sibling had my parents financial support until she was in her late 30s - for example they were still paying for her cars (all new, ordered through dealerships) until after she was married with 2 kids. So if I did ask for it to be in the will then it would be fair

However as others have mentioned if my mum does need a care home in later life this may impact.

Why not talk to your dm.
Tell her you want to pay the debt and could you start off low eg £100 a month but that if in the future you have more you’ll increase your repayments.
I lend my dc money occasionally and for me I am less worried about the repayment than the willingness to take responsibility and see me as equal to other creditors.
You wouldn’t say Barclays are worth billions so why should I pay them back?
Why is your dm any different.
Also you may need to borrow again one day so it makes sense to repay the first debt.

Your wealthy mother stood by and watched her own daughter and grandchildren rely on food banks??? WTF?

I'm all for encouraging financial independence but I'm sorry OP your mother sounds utterly selfish and heartless. What is your relationship like in general?

Seriously?

Yeah, the fact the OP suffered emotional and physical abuse in her relationship - you're right, that is fucking comedy gold.

WTF is wrong with people?

£10k is a lot of money for her to just write off. Maybe she feels a bit vulnerable at her time of life, with her husband gone and she may be looking to the future and want to maintain her savings for the best quality care she can afford.

You could approach it by saying you are struggling to pay it back, and could you pay a token amount - like £20 a week or something just so it doesn't impact your financial situation as much. See if she understands that you are still struggling to get out of debt.

I am talking about the siblings. 🙄

Calm down, they are talking about where the OP states that her sibling got all sorts of money over the years including new cars, which would have cost thousands. Which I agree is a dripfeed.
It's like she is trying to paint a certain picture of her mothers level of generosity to her vs. her sibling.

You need to at least offer to start paying it back at £100. She may or may not decide to write it off - that's up to her. Re factoring it into the will - you need to remember that £10,000 from 5 years ago will be worth much less to any other inheriting siblings when the time comes, so it would have to be written in as a "current value".

I agree with kittykat9070 Your Mum is wealthy and is not directly in need of the cash ATM.I would talk to her, and ask if she could consider making her will in favour of your sibling by the 10k.I never understand how parents can watch their DC struggle when they can afford to help . I know others think differently ,but to me its a no brainer!

It was a loan, you knew that.
YABU not to want to pay it back and for putting her in a bad light as a attempt to get people to say "you shouldn't pay it back".

You agreed to pay it back when you could, and now you can.

If you've cleared that much debt so quickly, you can clear £10k fairly quickly too.

Not necessarily. My mum is also someone who has lived very comfortably since retiring but my god she is so tight (always has been) that it reflects in her personality. She’s not one of those people who would give you the shirt off her own back or if she did she wouldn’t do it with a generous heart (she’d write in a notebook: owed, one shirt). Even when I’ve barely had two pennies to rub together I would help someone who only had one penny and tell them to not worry about paying it back. It has coloured how I see my mum over the years because it overspills in other areas of our relationship.

My mum is quite open about her will which is why this is mentioned - it’s not a taboo subject in our family that we have avoided as death is a real thing that will happen one day and we all need to be aware of what to do when it does. My mum recently redid her will and set up LPA, we have been given all her funeral plan details, we have copies of all important docs we might need etc. I know this isn’t normal in most families! But we went through hell when my dad died and it took a long time to sort everything out. Again - I know most families don’t normally speak so much about death/wills and it’s just been born from our experience

£10k interest free on an open ended loan is actually very generous.

Personally, I'd keep going and pay her back as soon as possible- she might not be Barclaycard, but it's still a debt that has to be repaid, and I prefer to be financially independent and beholden to no one.

Hard one. I'd want to write this off for my kid but I'd also want them to know that they have to get themselves out of these situations on their own, what happens when I'm no longer around? You owe the debt unless it's offered to be written off. I certainly wouldn't be asking for it to be factored into my inheritance, to me that seems so cheeky. I'd offer to pay an amount back that is reasonable and that means your Mum gets her offer (should she wish to take it), and you don't have to fully live like you have been. If you've been paying debt off with good commission, surely that good commission is still coming? You can't lend £10k off your Mum, don't pay it back and then go living the life in front of her eyes. It's cheeky.

This ^

It's really crass to bring up something like that, and you risk being completely shut out of the will in doing so.

Sure, if the older person wishes to talk about their money and what's going to happen after death that's fine to discuss it. But to try to instigate the conversation and start spending and discussing your inheritance in advance of someones death is awful to me.

What is acceptable I think is to make the person aware of how much you are struggling so they know the situation and can choose to do something about it if they wish.

But if they don't wish, then I have no issue with that. Ultimately your parents reponsibility was to look after you from birth until adulthood, bear the costs and burdens of that. What happens after that is your responsibility, and your parents may need their money to look after themselves in their old age.