Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

I would just set up a standing order for £20 a month. It shows you’re paying it off and if your mum gets funny and decides to take you to court or something, no Judge would side with her as you’re paying. Albeit a small amount.

Just want to point out that SAHM do very much work!
As far as the Op goes, you owe your mum money.It was borrowed not gifted. Your mum may be worried about possible care costs in the future, but even if not you are an adult and your mum’s money is hers.

In fairness to your Mum, maybe this is why she stood back and let you. Throwing money at you would have left you in the place you were in in the long run. But you've had no choice but to stand on your own 2 and dig yourself out of the hole you were in. She's prob done you a favour in the long run.

I’m not financially dependent on DP at all - I actually earn more than him.

Op, I just KNEW from your opening posts that you’d get shitty posts stating that your mum owes you nothing, you need to pay her back, should be grateful she’d helped you blah blah 🙄
In real life, nobody would live the high life while their daughter is struggling so that she’s feeding her kids from a food bank. What utterly shit parenting that is. If I was your mum I would write that £10k off without a second thought (although if I was your mum, I’d have helped you more in the first place).

I'd definitely never be this cheeky to offer it back over 42 years! I'd just have a grown up conversation, starting with a reasonable offer, not a cheeky arse one.

Why would you need to dribble it back to him?

I think that’s unfair and remember it’s hard to convey every single point and nuance when you have to summarize on a forum like MN.

As a parent if I was well off there is no way in hell I would allow my children and grandchildren to depend on food banks unless there are other things involved eg supporting said child will be enabling addiction etc.

You had your living when you were spending on unaffordable credit.
Sit down with your mum and discuss an affordable repayment plan with her.
The attitude that you have is the attitude that got you into debt in the first place.
Your mum was good enough to loan you a large amount of money, you should be good enough to pay it back.

Yes OP that is debt mentality! You need to offer to pay it back for your own self respect if nothing else.

Your mum sounds like a stingy cow. How could she let you go to a food bank. I would give my DD 10K in a second, or more, if she needed it like you did and I could. And try to offer other (emotional) support. My mum is of that same sort - never worked, wealthy via my dad, and stingy and selfish with HIS money. He gives me and my siblings all the time behind her back.

My BIL has recently told us he is (finally) able to buy a house, at age 50, and we are so pleased for him, we’re pondering how much money to give him. We are not wealthy but can afford a few thousand to help him with expenses. It’s what family should do. I never understood ‘saving it for inheritance’ Like doesn’t your mum want to see what good her money does now?! To see you happy and worry free?? So bizarre. You can’t take it with you!!’

Your mother’s mean. Offer £20 a month. Set up a DD so you don’t have to think about it or her.

I think your dam sounds utterly cruel to know that you struggled for 5years when she could have easily helped you and her own gc out.

I wonder if your Mum is waiting for you to make some offer of paying back the loan (ie. acknowledging that it was a loan and not a gift), at which point she might waive the repayment.

My parents used to tell the story of how Mum's stepfather loaned them £2,000 to buy some new furniture when they were first married. They paid back the first month, and when they went to give him the second month's money, he told them to forget it. He just wanted to be sure that they had the intention to repay.

You said you took out a loan just last year for a car! Now you are saying you didn't take out any loans.

Between your car loan, your loan from your mother, and your current credit care and other debt - what is the total debt you still owe?

If you were making better decisions you would have used your new great job to establish financial security and residential security for you and your kids - not move in with your new boyfriend.

If you were a man, everyone would expect you to pay your mother back.

And I highly doubt you have taken on the bulk of the financial responsibility in this new relationship given you and your kids are now the majority of people in this home. Are the utilities and bills all in your name?

With your current history, getting a mortgage is not going to happen anytime soon.

She did help her out. But if you keep throwing money at people who can't manage it they'll never learn.

I would try and save a thousand pounds and give her that. I would say ‘I’ll try and pay back 10 instalments of £1000, but it’s going to take a few years as I’m just back on my feet’. See what she says. My FIL lent my husband 10k and a year or so later my husband wrote a cheque for him paying it back. My FIL accepted the cheque but then stood up in our lounge and ripped it in to pieces. He said something like ‘I wanted you to pay it back to teach you the value of money’. FWIW my husband was about 40, not twelve. My point is he wanted to make it about himself and stand up and be the hero. Sounds like your Mum likes the power she has over you.

It’s not a large amount for OP’s mum though is it? If she can afford £8000 for blinds for a small conservatory, it’s pocket change.

👏

What I’m getting from your posts is that you’ve already decided your “debts are almost cleared” when in reality they’re not, and that you think you now deserve to put the debt to your mum on the back burner.

And I’ve no doubt your mum has picked up on this too.

Take some financial responsibility and pay your mum back.

Well excuse me, Sky, we don't all have extremely wealthy drug kingpin husbands to fund us yano!

Exactly. She helped her out to the tune of 10k.

This OP. I have been in a similar situation to you leaving my ex husband. Unfortunately you cannot count "savings" when you still have debt to pay off. Well that's my opinion on it. Sit down with your mum and have a good chat to her about things and what way to move forward. Knuckle down and pay all off...... you will not be answerable to anyone if you have done this and you will have your debt completely cleared and have a nice new clean slate to start from. It sucks OP. Hope you get sorted out.

So you give them the details of the nearest food bank?!?!?

You borrowed it and need to offer to pay it back.

I think your attitude is awful on here - that your mum is loaded and doesn't need it, that you don't want to pay her back at the same rate you've repaid your debts, that you want to live a little.

If you offer - before being asked - and explain how much you can comfortably afford, you might be pleasantly surprised by her response.