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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thrilled to have an only child?

263 replies

iamloading · 02/03/2023 12:36

Ok so probably just getting this off my chest after reading yet another post saying "I feel sorry for only children." Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't get the strange obsession on here that only children are to be pitied in some way.
We have one child by choice, and it is the right decision for us as a family. That's not a decision that's right for every family, and obviously there are huge potential benefits from sibling relationships.
However there are also massive benefits of being an only, and both my husband and I are also onlys so we know this from experience.
We are able to save an amount each month for DC, have far more financial freedom (we both work part time for instance,) have a lovely stress free life. We also moved to a house on a new build estate very near the school so every weekend it's a non stop procession of kids knocking on asking to play with our DC. In fact we are all ready for a break from all the friends at points!
I've never been asked in real life if I'm having another, nor has any pity for my DC ever been expressed. So it just seems to be an issue on here.
So AIBU to just not get the "pity." And ps if you are one child not by choice due to any reason then PLEASE don't feel guilty as in my opinion there is nothing at all to feel guilty for xx

OP posts:
Gemzee · 02/03/2023 12:41

We have 1 child by choice and love it 😊 I like the fact that once all the phases are done, they are completely done (nappies for example). Also my son has a lot of cousins who he is close to and no difficulties making friends. One & done was best for us 🙂

MorrisZapp · 02/03/2023 12:55

I'm neither up nor down about it. DS is a happy only child, I'm a happy one of three. Nobody's ever commented on it.

lazycats · 02/03/2023 12:56

YABU

(ask a silly question, get a silly answer)

pharmachameleon · 02/03/2023 13:04

I'm thrilled about having one too. Never thought we'd have him. However I have been asked loads and loads of time when we're having more or why we 'just' had one. Never happens now he's 12 thank goodness.

Ragwort · 02/03/2023 13:11

I agree ... and when I read threads on here about women trying to cope with 2 or more DC, a busy lifestyle, juggling everything etc etc I just feel so, so grateful for my calm, stress free lifestyle. Like the OP, DH and could make choices about where and how much we worked. I have never been asked either if I wanted another ... just as I refrain from asking women who are having a second or third baby .. 'why'?
And my DS (now a young adult) has lots and lots of friends, I don't believe that 'only is lonely' ... some DC find it easy to make friends and some don't .. nothing necessarily to do with having siblings.

SeanMean · 02/03/2023 13:20

Totally agree. I have one by choice and I love it!

He is incredibly happy and social.😊

Camilliatile · 02/03/2023 13:23

Only children are the best life hack of all time. All the love and benefits of DC while maintaining sleep, money, low stress life, time for yourself, time for your partner and friends, career etc. Pressure on women to have two accounts for a lot of second children, they think you're meant to have two and the option of having one just doesn't occur to them.

closetparty · 02/03/2023 13:28

One and done here too and it is an absolute joy. I can't imagine having to share my time with anyone else but my child. I was an only child for 8 years before my sibling was born and loved it.

lanthanum · 02/03/2023 13:34

It's worked well for us, too. I think lockdown might have been easier with a sibling for company, but she's not convinced it would, and of course nobody saw that one coming.

Chikapu · 02/03/2023 13:39

I'm absolutely thrilled not to have any children. I really don't expect anyone else to care about it.

emituofo · 02/03/2023 13:41

I am really annoyed when people tell me "or I feel so sorry for you" when they hear Im the only child, they say this as if they pity me not having siblings. Personally I have never felt unhappy about not having brothers or sisters. I had lots of cousins and lots of friends to play with as a kid, I also had the chance to learn how to kill boredom when I was on my own, like reading and writing. Now I have two kids, of course it is very nice too, I love them both very much, but honestly sometimes when I see them bothering each other or competing, fighting, arguing for such little things all the time, I actually felt lucky to be the only child. I told my mum shes lucky she didnt need to be a police all the time. Im not saying having one child is better than having more, it all depends on how the parents feel and how the siblings get on with each other. However I have no regrets growing up as the only child, neither do my parents. I do think no matter how many kids you decide to have, it is important to work out if you have enough fiancial stability to provide for them before having them.

fastandthecurious1 · 02/03/2023 13:47

I'm one and done! Our son is 5 (however my partner has 2 teen children from previous don't know if that's counts?!)

I love it though we are so close yet I can comfortably work full time, meal times are quick and easy. Trips are all within budget (mainly) he's a dream sleeper also and super chilled out.

I do look at my friends that have 3 and it always seems such a struggle even though they are happy it's all so dramatic with illnesses and school runs and keeping the house clean etc

Then there's people I know with 6!!! Who if they are honest cannot afford them they can't keep the older ones in nice clothes and treats / tech etc because there are so many mouths to feed and clothe which I just feel is unfair

I think I could of managed 2 but no more but amazingly happy with 1 biological :)

Enko · 02/03/2023 13:49

Yanbu. To say 1 child is what fits your family.

Yabu when you start justifying it by. Can save more etc. It's all relative. What is important to you may not be to a parent of 3 or 4. Doesnt make one of you right it makes you different.

Just pick what's right for your family.

FFF3 · 02/03/2023 13:50

YABU to comment on it. Good for you - everyone will have their own opinion - including your child when she’s older!

threeplusmum · 02/03/2023 13:54

My opinion differs, I think having one child is understandable but if something happens to that child - illness or tragedy (not saying it will) but there risk is there, then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater. I am expecting my 3rd DD and I'm happy they will at least be able to play and grow up together and when they're older if something happens to me or their father at least they'll have each other.

Animallover87 · 02/03/2023 13:55

Both me and DH are happy onlies with plenty of friends. The one in my tummy at the moment will be an only too, I can't get my head round why people would want the hassle/expense of more than one, but obviously each to their own!

Kpo58 · 02/03/2023 13:56

YABU. As an only child, I hated it. Not all parents of only children lavish time and money on thier kids. Some only children just get ignored by everyone and don't even see another child during the holidays or weekends.

It may work for you, but you don't need to sound so smug about it as it can be hell for others.

Stellaris22 · 02/03/2023 13:56

One and done here. I knew I really wanted a child but I knew that more than one would be too stressful.

Financially it was the best decision, and as we live somewhere urban she can easily go play with friends in walking distance.

I brushed off the 'when are you having another' comments as I didn't need others forcing us to to have more children. I'd love it if people stopped 'pitying' our child for being lonely.

We don't have family nearby either so we're on our own (by choice as I love where we live), so more than one isn't something we wanted to do without family help for free childcare.

Jujuj · 02/03/2023 13:59

We have 1 by ‘choice’ - our circumstances mean a second would be a significant struggle and we didn’t feel strongly enough about having another.

Ihavedogs · 02/03/2023 14:02

threeplusmum · 02/03/2023 13:54

My opinion differs, I think having one child is understandable but if something happens to that child - illness or tragedy (not saying it will) but there risk is there, then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater. I am expecting my 3rd DD and I'm happy they will at least be able to play and grow up together and when they're older if something happens to me or their father at least they'll have each other.

Hopefully not, but I wouldn’t bank on them having each other if or when something happens to you and DH. There is no guarantee whatsoever that they will have a relationship with each other into adulthood. Even if they did, there is nothing like a bereavement to pull people apart.

I am not convinced that having more than one child will fill a gap if one of your DC die. Yes, you may have grandchildren further down the line which would not be possible if an only died before procreating, but I really don’t think that John would fill a gap left by Jane.

Nevermind31 · 02/03/2023 14:02

there are pro and cons for either options - congratulations that you are happy.
my mum is an only child and really struggled when her parents were of an age when they needed more support. But just because someone has siblings doesn’t mean that they are there for you, or you get on.
i am grateful to have my siblings and to get on with them, and to have that support if I need it.
DP and his sibling barely talk

Jujuj · 02/03/2023 14:03

Kpo58 · 02/03/2023 13:56

YABU. As an only child, I hated it. Not all parents of only children lavish time and money on thier kids. Some only children just get ignored by everyone and don't even see another child during the holidays or weekends.

It may work for you, but you don't need to sound so smug about it as it can be hell for others.

Right - this is the flipside of it. Sorry you had that experience, I can imagine it would have been very lonely.

I really try to get my only kid in camps during holidays and make an effort with other parents to arrange weekend playdates, and go on holidays with friends.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 02/03/2023 14:04

I love having an only child. However there are pros and cons, just like there are pros and cons to having multiple.

Tepidexplorer · 02/03/2023 14:05

Same! We're so content with just one. And he's happy and very sociable.

All the screaming, swearing and kids arguing on the school run is a daily reminder that "one is bliss" 😊

UWhatNow · 02/03/2023 14:05

Animallover87 · 02/03/2023 13:55

Both me and DH are happy onlies with plenty of friends. The one in my tummy at the moment will be an only too, I can't get my head round why people would want the hassle/expense of more than one, but obviously each to their own!

Maybe because we didn’t see our growing family as ‘hassle’ or ‘expense’. I can’t get my head around people who see their one precious child and just think how much they ‘lose’ and choose not to ‘lose’ anymore. All of my kids have been a joy and it grew more with each one.