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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thrilled to have an only child?

263 replies

iamloading · 02/03/2023 12:36

Ok so probably just getting this off my chest after reading yet another post saying "I feel sorry for only children." Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't get the strange obsession on here that only children are to be pitied in some way.
We have one child by choice, and it is the right decision for us as a family. That's not a decision that's right for every family, and obviously there are huge potential benefits from sibling relationships.
However there are also massive benefits of being an only, and both my husband and I are also onlys so we know this from experience.
We are able to save an amount each month for DC, have far more financial freedom (we both work part time for instance,) have a lovely stress free life. We also moved to a house on a new build estate very near the school so every weekend it's a non stop procession of kids knocking on asking to play with our DC. In fact we are all ready for a break from all the friends at points!
I've never been asked in real life if I'm having another, nor has any pity for my DC ever been expressed. So it just seems to be an issue on here.
So AIBU to just not get the "pity." And ps if you are one child not by choice due to any reason then PLEASE don't feel guilty as in my opinion there is nothing at all to feel guilty for xx

OP posts:

monsterradeliciosa · 07/03/2023 09:34

I'm an only with an only. Life is much easier and cheaper. I think one more would make things unmanageable for me personally. I like sleep and peace and quality time.
I would like another but not going to happen now. I'd have another too but I think the universe is helping me restricting me to one.

I also like being an only child.

FlyingSoap · 07/08/2023 19:51

TempsPerdu · 02/03/2023 19:03

So many of these only child threads, and they are very rarely edifying.

We have one, by choice. We don’t make a big thing of it, and I wouldn’t think to brag to anyone on here or irl about how brilliant our life with DD is, but it does get to me that some people seem determined not to allow one-child families to have anything nice. As in, you can list 20 different reasons why you stuck at one and insist until the cows come home that your only is perfectly happy/well-adjusted/good at sharing, and there’ll still be a contingent of posters who insist that you must be cruel/selfish, and that all only children must inevitably be dysfunctional, lonely and selfish.

Mothers who are already financially stretched, burnt out and temperamentally unsuited to parenting multiple DC should suck it up and pop out another one in order to provide a sibling. And whatever the reasons cited for being content with your one - better finances, less stress, more time and resources to invest in the child, parental temperament, or mental and physical wellbeing - they are dismissed as unimportant or superficial (‘selfish’, again). And it still seems weirdly acceptable to air these views, in a way that it wouldn’t be for any other family size or make-up.

I just wish people would accept that there are pros and cons to any situation in life, and agree to live and let live.

You’ve put this so perfectly

pharmachameleon · 08/08/2023 11:54

Agree that @TempsPerdu articles this so well. Agree with every word!

wingsandstrings · 08/08/2023 17:52

Your business and no one else's. You don't have to explain your family to anyone. I do 'feel pity' - to use your language - for my DH who is an only child, because it's been very hard for him supporting and caring for his elderly parents on his own. I feel a bit of pity for myself too as it's become a bit of an issue in our marriage as he feels that obligation so strongly and it does demand sacrifice from all of us eg. Since my MiL has been widowed we haven't been able to have Christmas with my family unless they can host her too (it's a bit of an issue because they live abroad and she struggles to travel and they don't have much room to put us all up) as it would be unkind to leave her alone . . . . but I resent that sacrifice from me and my family which is a result of her deciding 50 years ago (and it was a decision) to only have one child.

Chickenkeev · 08/08/2023 18:09

pharmachameleon · 08/08/2023 11:54

Agree that @TempsPerdu articles this so well. Agree with every word!

You're so right. I remember saying to a colleague that it was v unlikely we could afford a second child. She was aghast, and did mumble something about 'terrible' and 'selfish'. The same people would be helfully banging on about not having children if you can't afford them etc. I would have liked a second, but for various reasons it wasn't possible. IMO it's better to be able some sort of standard of living for one child than none for two. In saying that though, i wouldn't judge anyone elses choices, circumstances can change at any time for better or worse so if I was deperate for a second, I probably would have gone for it at some stage. But I never really badly wanted a second so it wasn't too hard of a decision. Also, my daughter started voicing.random objections once she hit about 4 😂

FlyingSoap · 08/08/2023 18:17

I think, although we are pre kids, what sticks out to me is having more of everything. More time - for them (as a baby, toddler, child, teen and adult) and for yourself and relationship/marriage. More money - one set of childcare fees to pay, one set of financial help as a teen and adult, cheaper day to day as less clothes and food to buy. More energy - if you’ve only one and they have a bad night you can take it in turns with your other half to rest. More space. More mental peace? Less refereeing, less remembering multiple shows, no guilt to either for spending less time with them or pressure to make things equal.

I dunno. I think there are a hell of a lot of positives for the child & average set of parents to just having one, especially given most people I know anecdotally either strongly do not get along with their sibling or are ambivalent.

Kpo58 · 08/08/2023 22:44

There can also be less mental peace with one child as they will want to be with you and play all the time, so that you don't get any rest when they are young.

LarryandLeon · 09/08/2023 13:20

100% @TempsPerdu 👏

FlyingSoap · 09/08/2023 13:50

Kpo58 · 08/08/2023 22:44

There can also be less mental peace with one child as they will want to be with you and play all the time, so that you don't get any rest when they are young.

Short term though right and you can invite friends round. You might have two that don’t get along and then you’re spread thinly trying to equally play with each

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 09/08/2023 18:14

Kpo58 · 08/08/2023 22:44

There can also be less mental peace with one child as they will want to be with you and play all the time, so that you don't get any rest when they are young.

or you could have two siblings that fight and shout and scream at one another over the most trivial things, all day every day, like my sister and I throughout our primary years and into secondary education. My brother used to wind us both up terribly as well. It utterly drained my mother and she has said to me many times she thinks I have done the right thing to stop at one.

NatMoz · 10/08/2023 08:19

My baby is 19 months, sleeping through the night, her personality is shining through and she is just so much fun now. Our friend is pregnant with her first so is 2 years behind us (including remaining pregnancy months) and we said we can't even imagine going back to that stage.

We're camping this weekend (tent) and I'm not sure we could fit another child in the car🤣🤣.

In all seriousness though, we love having one. We have a happy balance of time with her and also our own hobbies. I don't know what it's like with 2 but i imagine if I can't continue my existing life my mental health would plummet.

Kpo58 · 10/08/2023 10:14

FlyingSoap · 09/08/2023 13:50

Short term though right and you can invite friends round. You might have two that don’t get along and then you’re spread thinly trying to equally play with each

Show quote history

Inviting friends over can be much harder than people think. I'm always struggling to get playdates as everyone is always so busy.

Pokotho · 10/08/2023 10:22

I'm an only child and I loved it growing up. I find the concept of siblings vaguely weird- some human I have to share my house with who I might not even like 😛
We were very poor growing up and another child would have added so much more strain to the home. Aside from that, though, it was peaceful. I had plenty of friends I'd run riot with, I never felt lonely, I was never used a free babysitting, and I learned to amuse myself. The time I had with my mum was one on one and she could afford little treats occasionally that she wouldn't have been able to for two. I wouldn't change it for the world.

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