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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thrilled to have an only child?

263 replies

iamloading · 02/03/2023 12:36

Ok so probably just getting this off my chest after reading yet another post saying "I feel sorry for only children." Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't get the strange obsession on here that only children are to be pitied in some way.
We have one child by choice, and it is the right decision for us as a family. That's not a decision that's right for every family, and obviously there are huge potential benefits from sibling relationships.
However there are also massive benefits of being an only, and both my husband and I are also onlys so we know this from experience.
We are able to save an amount each month for DC, have far more financial freedom (we both work part time for instance,) have a lovely stress free life. We also moved to a house on a new build estate very near the school so every weekend it's a non stop procession of kids knocking on asking to play with our DC. In fact we are all ready for a break from all the friends at points!
I've never been asked in real life if I'm having another, nor has any pity for my DC ever been expressed. So it just seems to be an issue on here.
So AIBU to just not get the "pity." And ps if you are one child not by choice due to any reason then PLEASE don't feel guilty as in my opinion there is nothing at all to feel guilty for xx

OP posts:
PamDooove · 02/03/2023 16:22

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .

And I can afford lovely foreign holidays even though I have 2 children. So what? Lots of protesting too much on this thread I think.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 16:23

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .

I’m pretty sure they’d be a bit quizzical at you thinking a Bali holiday is a relevant analogy to a question about siblings 😂

Tepidexplorer · 02/03/2023 16:23

Oooh @daffodilday do you recommend it? Sounds so fun!

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 02/03/2023 16:24

Same here. Medically, we had no choice really - my health was very poor through pregnancy. But, we probably wouldn't have had more anyway. 3 is the magic number for us, DD gets all our time which now as a teen is proving the best thing. We can save for her, allow her to undertake massively expensive hobbies that are her passion, she is well supported through her exams etc etc so it's all good here. Cannot imagine what life would look like with more kids now.

Darkdiamond · 02/03/2023 16:25

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .

Me and my husband are high earners and have 3 kids. We go on fantastic holidays all the time! What's the point you're making 😄

EarthlyNightshade · 02/03/2023 16:26

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .

I'd love to know what people would say if you did ask that!

Id take the sibling over the surfing but I am sure just as many would prefer the holiday.

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:26

PamDooove · 02/03/2023 16:22

And I can afford lovely foreign holidays even though I have 2 children. So what? Lots of protesting too much on this thread I think.

Show quote history

How often do you hear mums suggest to parents of the standard 2 children that they should have stopped at one ? Then think about how often you hear opinions about loneliness and other nonsense , put onto parents of only children . When we challenge your assumption that our child is somehow hard done by, you call it protesting . My example of Bali is to challenge your narrow minded assumption about only children . It’s not personal love 😎

Darkdiamond · 02/03/2023 16:30

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:26

How often do you hear mums suggest to parents of the standard 2 children that they should have stopped at one ? Then think about how often you hear opinions about loneliness and other nonsense , put onto parents of only children . When we challenge your assumption that our child is somehow hard done by, you call it protesting . My example of Bali is to challenge your narrow minded assumption about only children . It’s not personal love 😎

Show quote history

Not all only children are lonely but that doesn't mean the loneliness is nonsense. I was an only child. I was so lonely I referred to my state of having no siblings as being 'a lonely child'. That was my experience.

RobinRobinMouse · 02/03/2023 16:31

I loved being an only and I love having an only. In the end I actually don't think happiness depends on whether or not you are an only child.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 16:32

My example of Bali is to challenge your narrow minded assumption about only children

That by having one it meant you could afford a holiday to Bali? Not sure that’s going to swing it if anyone had a narrow minded assumption about one child families!

Laiste · 02/03/2023 16:32

I'm an only child with both parents only children as well.

No cousins or aunt or uncles.
Both my grandads were dead before i was born and both my nans passed away while i was little.

So basically no family.

My childhood was ok, but once past my teens i began to not like it.

I've got 4 kids.

Cliff1975 · 02/03/2023 16:35

I am an only child, as a child it worked well but now as an adult I wish I had siblings. I married an only child so my three children have no aunties, uncles or cousins. The grandparents are very jealous of each other because our children are the only grandchildren and now that they are getting older the care of both sets falls soley on me and my husband with no one to share it with. My dad has dementia, I would love to have a sibling to share this with.

NewNovember · 02/03/2023 16:35

UWhatNow · 02/03/2023 14:05

Maybe because we didn’t see our growing family as ‘hassle’ or ‘expense’. I can’t get my head around people who see their one precious child and just think how much they ‘lose’ and choose not to ‘lose’ anymore. All of my kids have been a joy and it grew more with each one.

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This

Choconut · 02/03/2023 16:40

I've just had the best day with my only as there's been no school. He has ASD and definitely would not appreciate a sibling. I was desperate for for a sibling until I got one, unfortunately he really wasn't what I'd imagined. Ever since then I've wished I was an only as he continued to be an asshole into adulthood.

NowAAT · 02/03/2023 16:41

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .

And someone with 4 kids could probably still afford it too you know?
These are the kind of comments that comes of really smug. I've only got one as well BTW but I never think like that.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 16:43

NowAAT · 02/03/2023 16:41

And someone with 4 kids could probably still afford it too you know?
These are the kind of comments that comes of really smug. I've only got one as well BTW but I never think like that.

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Not smug

just daft! 😂

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 16:47

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
Of course there's benefits for children having same aged peers in their lives who they can develop relationships with. They just don't have to live in the same house.

Overthebloodymoon · 02/03/2023 17:08

Wouldn’t be for me. Any friends I’ve had who’ve been onlies have been hard work, not used to sharing or considering others… Siblings are also great when your DPs eventually die, both from a practical point of view and having the shared memories. I have more than one and they entertain each other, it’s great! Always someone to go on a rollercoaster with or to pair up with.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/03/2023 17:19

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 16:47

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
Of course there's benefits for children having same aged peers in their lives who they can develop relationships with. They just don't have to live in the same house.

No but it’s a hell of a lot easier and long standing

endoftheworldniteclub · 02/03/2023 17:31

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .

You’re just daft. You might not have the economy to go on nice holidays with more than 1 child (not that Bali is nice in my opinion, we hated it and you couldn’t pay me to go again), but plenty of other families can. Including my family, but I wouldn’t dream of feeling superior or smug over it.

BeaverLeader · 02/03/2023 17:34

Comedycook · 02/03/2023 14:49

Let's say two only children get married and have one child, once they're dead, their child will have zero family. Unless the choice has been take out of your hands, then I think it's very selfish. My parents died young. Thank heavens I have a sister.

Jesus.

I have three children, two of them are dead and there won't be any more. But if you didn't know me, or my story (it's not something I generally shout about) you'd think I was selfish.

I have a sister, she's an absolute nightmare. She's currently hindering me from having access to my parents. Sometimes family isn't all it's cracked up to be.

JMSA · 02/03/2023 17:37

For me, it's definitely not pity. It's more that the only children I have known over the years - and their parents - have been more highly strung than the average.

ridemesideway · 02/03/2023 17:39

One and done here for a few reasons, it’s great. We have the time and money to invest in his activities and schoolwork, which takes up more time as he gets older, there’s no splitting at weekends to ferry different kids to different activities.

It all comes down to parenting. One can feel lonely in a room full of siblings or friends. Having parents who are involved and interested makes all the difference.
I know plenty of people with siblings who are complete arseholes. It’s not the sole preserve of only children.

Mincepieeyes22 · 02/03/2023 18:01

WriterHK · 02/03/2023 15:03

I think this is your insecurity about having just one child. Asking if you only have one kid isn’t really rude. He was just asking, in case you might’ve said “Oh no, my other kid is upstairs/in the bathroom/whatever.”

and so what if he’s telling you he’s got one of each? Most parents are proud of their kids. Why have you taken this to be “so so rude?”

again it sounds like it’s just your insecurity.

Show quote history

I think you're right as I was stressed as we were trying for #2 and nothing was happening so I was sensitive to any one child references.

He was a rude and arrogant person though - the way he said everything always came across that way. Maybe if someone else had said it, it wouldn't have registered

kljk78 · 02/03/2023 18:05

Before having my eldest and for a time after my second, I just couldn't understand having 1 child, I thought it wouldn't feel like a "proper" family, that they would get lonely etc etc

The more my 2 have grown the more I have realised how lovely 1 child would be, I don't mean just having my eldest I hasten to add!! I don't mean I would change anything about my own circumstances, but as my children have grown into their own personalities and have gotten older I realise just how important 1 on 1 time is with them, how much they enjoy it and how much it strengthens a relationship. I can fully see now how fulfilling a 1 child family would be, the advantages and am a little envious as it's difficult to replicate that relationship with more than 1 child (well you can't frankly). Most of my life is about how I make it fair between them! Again hasten to add I wouldn't change my own children if they ever see this!

The older they get, the more resolute I am that we did the right thing not having more, when they're younger we obsess about the baby and toddler phase and completely underestimate the importance of time spent with them as they get older.