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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thrilled to have an only child?

263 replies

iamloading · 02/03/2023 12:36

Ok so probably just getting this off my chest after reading yet another post saying "I feel sorry for only children." Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't get the strange obsession on here that only children are to be pitied in some way.
We have one child by choice, and it is the right decision for us as a family. That's not a decision that's right for every family, and obviously there are huge potential benefits from sibling relationships.
However there are also massive benefits of being an only, and both my husband and I are also onlys so we know this from experience.
We are able to save an amount each month for DC, have far more financial freedom (we both work part time for instance,) have a lovely stress free life. We also moved to a house on a new build estate very near the school so every weekend it's a non stop procession of kids knocking on asking to play with our DC. In fact we are all ready for a break from all the friends at points!
I've never been asked in real life if I'm having another, nor has any pity for my DC ever been expressed. So it just seems to be an issue on here.
So AIBU to just not get the "pity." And ps if you are one child not by choice due to any reason then PLEASE don't feel guilty as in my opinion there is nothing at all to feel guilty for xx

OP posts:
Tepidexplorer · 02/03/2023 15:51

Perhaps you should work on your own comprehension 😳

Catspyjamas17 · 02/03/2023 15:51

I love being an only child. Wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't feel sorry for me - who on earth said that?

mybunniesandme · 02/03/2023 15:51

FFF3 · 02/03/2023 13:50

YABU to comment on it. Good for you - everyone will have their own opinion - including your child when she’s older!

Agree with this

FWIW I'm one of those people who really doesn't understand the deliberately "one and done" ie if taking into account all circumstances you could provide for another child but you choose not to

I was married to an only and it definitely showed in his personality traits

GarveySister · 02/03/2023 15:52

I’ve honestly never thought about how many children other people have in any meaningful way. Two of my closest friends have only children and I’ve certainly never felt sorry for them or wondered why they didn’t have more children.

I can’t say I found having two DC any harder than one, though. Going from none to one was tough. One to two was a breeze!

stackhead · 02/03/2023 15:53

I think parents of onlies spend alot of time justifying it because there are many MANY people in society who judge people for only having one. There are examples of that all over this thread.

We currently have an only. She'll probably stay an only. I struggle immensely with guilt over not wanting to give her a sibling, but ultimately I don't want another child and I refuse to bring a child into the world who is not 100% wanted for them (rather than as an accessory to the first child).

I value the good parts of only having an only but being constantly told (both explicitly and implicitly) that only having 1 child is a "bad thing" is shit. And it happens all. the. time.

Gemzee · 02/03/2023 15:53

lollipoprainbow · 02/03/2023 15:32

That's not the case for all only children mine included.

Show quote history

Thats why I said "best for us" 😊

Different things work for different people.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 15:53

GarveySister · 02/03/2023 15:52

I’ve honestly never thought about how many children other people have in any meaningful way. Two of my closest friends have only children and I’ve certainly never felt sorry for them or wondered why they didn’t have more children.

I can’t say I found having two DC any harder than one, though. Going from none to one was tough. One to two was a breeze!

Your closest friends and you’ve never talked about this? So you don’t know whether intention or secondary infertility?

Catspyjamas17 · 02/03/2023 15:56

I feel sorry for people who judge others for having grown up in a different sized or different sort of family to them. Some adults don't seem to have left the school playground.

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 15:57

@Moonicorn
I think there is an important point there. A lot comes down to parenting styles. Some people may chose to have 2 or more because they don't like playing with their dc so want a playmate.

Dh and I always loved playing with dc and even though they're 11 now we've made a conscious effort to have a fun household. We don't mind being silly, jumping on trampoline, getting on scary rides, playing video games, , boardgames, Lego building, dancing around the kitchen, water fights etc etc. Dc has never wanted a playmate specifically at home. She has loads of friends and cousins she sees everyday and loves coming back to her quieter house.

oldtessing6 · 02/03/2023 15:57

stackhead · 02/03/2023 15:53

I think parents of onlies spend alot of time justifying it because there are many MANY people in society who judge people for only having one. There are examples of that all over this thread.

We currently have an only. She'll probably stay an only. I struggle immensely with guilt over not wanting to give her a sibling, but ultimately I don't want another child and I refuse to bring a child into the world who is not 100% wanted for them (rather than as an accessory to the first child).

I value the good parts of only having an only but being constantly told (both explicitly and implicitly) that only having 1 child is a "bad thing" is shit. And it happens all. the. time.

Agree with this. Some very judgmental and smug responses about having one child on this thread which highlight what parents of only children have to put up with from society.

wildfree33 · 02/03/2023 15:58

threeplusmum · 02/03/2023 13:54

My opinion differs, I think having one child is understandable but if something happens to that child - illness or tragedy (not saying it will) but there risk is there, then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater. I am expecting my 3rd DD and I'm happy they will at least be able to play and grow up together and when they're older if something happens to me or their father at least they'll have each other.

My brother passed away when I was 5, leaving me as an only child. My childhood was horrible after he passed. I can't imagine the pain my mum went through, but hearing 'I wish it would've been you' when I did something wrong or wasn't 'perfect' was awful and pains me to this day. Her spiral lasted for over 10 years and drastically strained our current relationship.

I now have a DC of my own and do not plan on having more (but that's because it's best for our family). Everyone has struggles and past experiences that shape them and their life decisions. I think as mums we can focus on supporting one another (even when we don't understand with their decisions) as we are all fighting a past most people know nothing about.

FourFour · 02/03/2023 15:59

Op you do realise that your reasons listed are nonsense for people who could afford it? If you could easily save for 2 then why wouldn't you have two? Don't judge others choices. It sounds like you need reassurance about your own situation?

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 02/03/2023 16:00

Lots of parents of onlies will tell you how great it is

Lots of onlies (like me) will beg to differ. Having been one, I was absolutely adamant that we'd have more

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 16:01

You child is 4 op and not even at school

so this constant stream of children knocking on your door… presumably you have to host! Every weekend. Multiple times.

sounds bloody awful to me

GarveySister · 02/03/2023 16:02

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 15:53

Your closest friends and you’ve never talked about this? So you don’t know whether intention or secondary infertility?

Show quote history

I meant they both decided to stop at one because they wanted to and I never questioned this or felt sorry for them. Their choice.

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 16:03

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 15:57

@Moonicorn
I think there is an important point there. A lot comes down to parenting styles. Some people may chose to have 2 or more because they don't like playing with their dc so want a playmate.

Dh and I always loved playing with dc and even though they're 11 now we've made a conscious effort to have a fun household. We don't mind being silly, jumping on trampoline, getting on scary rides, playing video games, , boardgames, Lego building, dancing around the kitchen, water fights etc etc. Dc has never wanted a playmate specifically at home. She has loads of friends and cousins she sees everyday and loves coming back to her quieter house.

I don’t think it’s that, more that there’s a way in which only other kids can be silly and an adult can’t truly bring that quality to play. DD is 3.5 and is an only for another 2 weeks Grin so I’ve spent a lot of time playing with her which is fun. But when she has another little kid to play with, it’s just different - she has a peer/equal of the
same ish mental age, rather than playing with a ‘grown up’ who doesn’t find shouting ‘bum bum’ that funny underneath

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 02/03/2023 16:05

We are one and done. We love it being just us three (and two dogs!). We can devote ourselves solely to our son and if one of us wants a break, the other can focus on him. We have the finances to have more but we simply don’t want any more. We also worry that a second child might not be as wonderful as this one!

DH is on only child and had a fantastic childhood. He has loads of friends and is super confident and sociable. No one bats an eyelid that we don’t plan on any siblings, opting for one is becoming the norm now, people want kids but they don’t want their life taken over by them.

PretzelBite · 02/03/2023 16:13

I’m sure I read somewhere that around 50% of UK families now have only one child. Primarily due to women having kids later, finances, lifestyles etc. But no one should feel the need to have to justify having only one. Same as having none, 2, 3, 4 etc. it’s your life!

aliasname · 02/03/2023 16:14

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 15:19

@threeplusmum

My opinion differs, I think having one child is understandable but if something happens to that child - illness or tragedy (not saying it will) but there risk is there, then there is no other children around to fill the gap, and I guess sense of loss may feel greater.

I don't get the above argument. If something happened my only child I'd re-evaluate my whole life. My life would never be the same. Neither would it be if I had 2 and lost 1. I've seen one family who did lose one of 2 children and understandably everyone's lives have been altered. I do feel sorry for the remaining child as (5 years later) they're living in their siblings shadow and the mum has (understandably) never got over it. Now the remaining child is living a life which a chronically depressed and emotionally unavailable parent.

Thank you. We only had one (I would have liked a big family but it didn't happen) and this always used to worry me. (Im a natural worrier about morbid stuff)

You've made me re-think it from the point of view of the remaining child, and I now realise that having a 'spare' would put a lot of pressure on it, even inadvertently.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/03/2023 16:16

Imo- the pro you’ve mentioned of financial security isn’t to do with having or not having a sibling. It may be the position you find yourself in but actually I still think siblings are better than not having them.

Sistanotcista · 02/03/2023 16:17

Comedycook · 02/03/2023 14:49

Let's say two only children get married and have one child, once they're dead, their child will have zero family. Unless the choice has been take out of your hands, then I think it's very selfish. My parents died young. Thank heavens I have a sister.

I'm an only child, and both my parents are dead. DH is one of 8, so I have loads of family. Some that I could do without, too! As a PP said, "Family is who you surround yourself with."

Original poster
iamloading · 02/03/2023 16:19

Just to be clear (I hoped I made it clear in my op) I genuinely don't think the choice to have 0 or 100 kids is better or worse than my choice (ok well maybe 100 isn't a great idea!) Everyone does what is best for their own family and that will of course be different. Small age gaps, big age gaps because of increasing childcare costs, no children, one child, 4+ children. All have good points and bad points.

But having been around on Mumsnet a long time it just makes me a bit sad to see the constant "only children are selfish / lonely / to be pitied (even apparently more violent unthread!!) People simply don't say that sort of thing about the "standard" 2 kids.

I'm genuinely 100% fine with my choice to have one child, whether people choose to believe that or not! But a lot of people don't choose to have one child, and it's forced on them through circumstance. Perpetuating these stereotypes just heaps on the sadness they may already feel.

So I suppose I just wanted to change the narrative and say FOR OUR FAMILY it's lovely.

OP posts:
Darkdiamond · 02/03/2023 16:19

I was an only child and it was crushingly lonely. My parents had secondary infertility. I have 25 cousins who had no interest in me as they already had their siblings. I have 3 kids as I was adamant that I wouldn't have an only child if I could help it. Thankfully I never had any issues and was able to conceive easily, and would have more if my husband was up for it. A previous poster said that lots of people don't realise they can stop at one and not bother with all of the expense and hassle of having more. I am fully aware its an option but wouldn't risk one of my children having that same loneliness. Each to their own, have whatever family you can/want to, but not everybody has somehow missed out on this secret life hack to experience low stress parenting. I wanted to actively avoid it and was lucky enough to have been able to. You do you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/03/2023 16:19

Cornelious2011 · 02/03/2023 15:57

@Moonicorn
I think there is an important point there. A lot comes down to parenting styles. Some people may chose to have 2 or more because they don't like playing with their dc so want a playmate.

Dh and I always loved playing with dc and even though they're 11 now we've made a conscious effort to have a fun household. We don't mind being silly, jumping on trampoline, getting on scary rides, playing video games, , boardgames, Lego building, dancing around the kitchen, water fights etc etc. Dc has never wanted a playmate specifically at home. She has loads of friends and cousins she sees everyday and loves coming back to her quieter house.

See you just said cousins- lots of cousins. So you clearly see the benefit of similar aged family- for most people that’s a sibling!

daffodilday · 02/03/2023 16:21

It makes me chuckle when someone mentions my DC lack of siblings. I’m tempted to ask if they still feel sad for her knowing she just got back from a surfing holiday in Bali because we can afford such holidays due to her being an only .