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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 10:37

Yanbu. Definitely end it with him x

soleilblue · 02/03/2023 10:38

Ltb

Comedycook · 02/03/2023 10:38

Hiding in plain sight

Poor you...get rid

Showmethefood · 02/03/2023 10:39

You deserve so much better than this. I’d end it.

Boxe · 02/03/2023 10:39

He’s making a fool out of you for a second time.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/03/2023 10:39

That's so disrespectful. The marriage is over sadly.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/03/2023 10:41

Boxe · 02/03/2023 10:39

He’s making a fool out of you for a second time.

We need to reframe this. He is not making a fool of op. The shame is not hers, he is the arsehole here.

thaisweetchill · 02/03/2023 10:42

He is completely overstepping the mark and manipulating you to think it's ok.

Without being too harsh, the marriage is over. He doesn't respect you, if he did he would never even mention her name again.

YesitsBess · 02/03/2023 10:42

He needs to fuck aaaaaaaaalllllll the way off. Then a bit more...and a bit more again until he falls off the edge of the planet.

You need some peace and quiet away from his noise to get your head straight.

The people who help align ducks will be along shortly with practical advice.

QuackMooBaaOink · 02/03/2023 10:43

YANBU.
He did and said whatever he needed to at the time in order to smooth things over, but clearly has no respect for you and quite frankly he is just taking the piss out of you now. No way should he be even entertaining the idea of being anywhere near her on a social level. It is ridiculous that he even suggested it and just shows he expects you to be a complete walkover. So sorry he is doing this, it must be incredibly painful for you 😔 but you deserve much MUCH better ❤

SeasonFinale · 02/03/2023 10:43

He is still shagging her but trying to get permission to go out in public with her. Let him - by throwing him out!

ProjectsGalore · 02/03/2023 10:44

Just no. That's a full sentence.

misspiggy23 · 02/03/2023 10:44

Unbelievable. If he was 100% committed to saving the marriage and making it up to you he would do whatever it took. Including leaving his job. However now he wants to socialise, in fact go on a double date, with the OW for his own enjoyment while you sit at home stewing? Nah, absolutely get rid. Even if he doesn't do it get rid of him for even suggesting it. Cheeky bastard.

LuvSmallDogs · 02/03/2023 10:45

He has no respect for you and "pursuing a friendship" with this woman is an attempt to carry on with his mistress under your very nose!

whatadayforadaydream · 02/03/2023 10:45

Yes you do. You don't get to rekindle a "friendship" with someone you cheated on your wife with if you want to stay with your wife. If he is making you seem unreasonable for not being cool with that proposition that he is gaslighting you massively.

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:48

His argument is that if he wanted to be with her he would have ended things with me (he can afford the divorce so it’s not about money). He said she was initially a friend and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job. Just before I uncovered the affair he said he had been very distant with her and trying to end it all (she has confirmed to me he was being like that).
He said he now doesn’t find her sexually attractive at all but always really got on with her as a person and misses her friendship.
He is making me out to be cruel for not allowing them to hang out now. It has been 2 months since they last slept together ffs!
if she is still in love with him I’m sure she will try her hardest to lure him back into a physical relationship again (if they aren’t already). I feel completely heartbroken by his behaviour and would never have married him if I could have foreseen how selfish he really is

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 02/03/2023 10:51

throw him out

do you have children?

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 10:51

No brainer

He doesn’t seem to like you let alone love you

any children involved?

Showmethefood · 02/03/2023 10:53

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:48

His argument is that if he wanted to be with her he would have ended things with me (he can afford the divorce so it’s not about money). He said she was initially a friend and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job. Just before I uncovered the affair he said he had been very distant with her and trying to end it all (she has confirmed to me he was being like that).
He said he now doesn’t find her sexually attractive at all but always really got on with her as a person and misses her friendship.
He is making me out to be cruel for not allowing them to hang out now. It has been 2 months since they last slept together ffs!
if she is still in love with him I’m sure she will try her hardest to lure him back into a physical relationship again (if they aren’t already). I feel completely heartbroken by his behaviour and would never have married him if I could have foreseen how selfish he really is

Truth is if he really loved you and respected you he would put you before her. He’s still choosing her over you - he’s just disguising it under the umbrella of “friendship”.

furryfrontbottom · 02/03/2023 10:57

Normally I would say anyone can hang out with whomever they want to, but in this case, no, he should not even be suggesting it.

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:57

No children.
it’s his house so I will have to be the one to leave and buy somewhere else when we divorce.
I did initially say that if I could meet her one to one then I could potentially be open to the idea of them being friends much further down the line once we had fixed things and I could see it really was just platonic between them. I made it clear this wasn’t a given though and I would probably find it too difficult. He accepted this and agreed it wasn’t fair on me for them to continue a friendship. Two months later and he’s now behaving like this and also saying he doesn’t want me to meet her. I feel absolutely fuming! He is going to her house on Saturday apparently to borrow some stuff for the garden too.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 10:58

thank goodness no children

how long together? How long married?

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:59

Also they must still be chatting a lot at work if they are arranging to meet for drinks and borrow gardening tools. He made out they never speak anymore until he dropped the bombshell last night that he wants to hang out with her again

OP posts:
Penguinsmum · 02/03/2023 10:59

He is treating you like a complete mug! And you are standing by and allowing it! Sorry that sounds harsh but you deserve so much better.

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:59

Married for 3 years and together 9

OP posts: