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Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:
kateandme · 02/03/2023 18:07

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 02/03/2023 12:52

He said she was initially a friend and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job.

And.

he made her believe for most of their affair that he and I had split up but were still living together until I could find somewhere else. He was taking his wedding ring off every day at work

These cannot both be true.

And if the first one were true, why would he want to be friends with someone awful enough to pressure him into an affair and cause trouble at his workplace?

Exactly.lying twat

gettingolderandgrumpier · 02/03/2023 19:42

AcrossthePond55 · 02/03/2023 16:14

"His argument is that if he wanted to be with her he would have ended things with me (he can afford the divorce so it’s not about money)."

@Violetrose1

Bullshit. He doesn't want to lose his 'guaranteed home comforts' and his 'upstanding family man' reputation. Right now he gets a clean house, cooked meals, an 'on call' companion for TV nights & outings, and (I assume) a sex partner. You are the 'known', OW is the 'unknown'. And also, people in his orbit probably think he's a 'great guy'.

Personally, I don't think the 'affair' ever ended. He's keeping her 'in reserve' against the chance that you'll tell him to GTF. Which you should. Oh sure, perhaps he stopped sleeping with her (or maybe not), but I believe the 'emotional affair' has continued throughout. He's stringing both of you along. And I think his 'we're just friends' thing is to pave the way for him to either resume the physical affair, or make it easier to continue it if it's been ongoing.

A good friend went through the same thing. He got caught, didn't want to lose his home comforts and 'family man' reputation, so he (supposedly) broke it off with OW, went to counseling and 'said all the right things' to make my friend believe he was truly remorseful. Only for my friend to discover that he'd been lying the whole time and had never broken it off. She kicked him out, divorced him, kept the house (now paid off) and has lived happily ever after. He married OW, they bicker constantly, and are in heavy debt with a huge mortgage.

See a solicitor before you do or say anything. It may seem easier to you to walk away with only what you walked in with, but it may not be in your own best interests in the long run. Don't make an uninformed decision. I'm not telling you to 'take the house' or 'take him to the cleaners' or even that it's possible. But you do need to know what your rights are WRT marital assets and if claiming a share will make it easier for you to set yourself up in your new life.

Exactly this , you think men and woman beg forgiveness because they love their dh/dw nah it’s because they don’t want to give up the nice life .
best of both worlds he wants it and he wants the op to agree . Op I’m concerned you are actually believing his bullshit .

Murdoch1949 · 02/03/2023 21:05

Your husband is being totally insensitive to the situation he has put you in. You deserve much better. The Other Woman will give him a warm bed, she's just waiting for the opportunity. You know what you need to do. Take your time to get sorted, ignore him & his meet ups with back up. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's broken your heart, because he really doesn't care about you, harsh as it sounds. If you allow him to continue disrespecting you, your self worth will disappear.

FebName · 06/03/2023 11:12

Did he go and see her Saturday?

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