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AIBU?

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

1068 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

1%

You are NOT being unreasonable

99%

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/03/2023 11:00

If he was a half decent person he would NEVER ever ask you to condone this let alone be trying to gaslight you into agreeing. He should be feeling lucky that you stayed, he should be trying to help you feel secure, he should be keeping as much space as possible between him and the OW. What he's doing is cruel, incredibly self centred and shows that he's a an arsehole who doesn't care what harm he does to anyone as long as he gets what he wants. No one else matters in his eyes, she doesn't matter either or he'd have left. He wants to go on having his affair and being married and be able to justify it moving forward by getting your 'permision' whatever he has to say to force that so he can pretend none of this is his fault. LTB.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 11:01

May i ask how old you and he are?

this sounds like year 10 classroom drama. Your husband is a disgrace OP

butterfliedtwo · 02/03/2023 11:03

Don't be a mug for this man. He's being the biggest twat. Leave his arse. Jesus, the entitlement of him.

Vivi0 · 02/03/2023 11:03

He’s never stopped seeing her.

This is my very first ever LTB.

You deserve better than this.

Comedycook · 02/03/2023 11:05

He went to her house to borrow garden stuff...?! Oh op...I'm very sorry you're going through this. He's having an affair right under your nose and asking for your permission. You cannot trust him. Thank heavens you don't have children. Get a good solicitor and call it a day.

butterfliedtwo · 02/03/2023 11:05

He’s never stopped seeing her.

I bet he didn't.

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:05

He is 40 and I’m 35. The person I married is so different to who he is now. He’s got to be having some sort of midlife crisis and thinks it’s ok to destroy my life in the process

OP posts:

Comedycook · 02/03/2023 11:05

He sounds like a terrible man.

Let her have him.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 11:08

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:05

He is 40 and I’m 35. The person I married is so different to who he is now. He’s got to be having some sort of midlife crisis and thinks it’s ok to destroy my life in the process

Nah

He’s just a twat op

NextToTheRadio · 02/03/2023 11:09

Yes, you need to talk away with your head held high.

FebName · 02/03/2023 11:09

Move into the spare bedroom.

Seek legal advice.

Get STD tests ASAP.

What kind of person is he to think this is ok?

The man you married has gone. Don't let him manipulate you any longer.

Has his girlfriend got a husband? And she IS his girlfriend, you know that eh?

They are trying to destroy you.

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:11

She ended her 7 year relationship to be with him last year (he made her believe for most of their affair that he and I had split up but were still living together until I could find somewhere else. He was taking his wedding ring off every day at work).
Her ex has since moved on and has a new partner now.

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 02/03/2023 11:11

Massive squishes @Violetrose1

i think we all know you aren’t being unreasonable in your requests of him.

his friendship ended the day he decided sticking his dick in her seemed like a good idea.

Socialising and being friends with your affair partner - on what planet does that sound like an acceptable situation to any normal human being?

he wants to socialise with her like he’s her partner. No no no.

hand on heart I’d end it. If you have him an ultimatum of you or her - he may choose you now but you’ll be in the same place with her or someone else again further down the line.

LadyHarmby · 02/03/2023 11:12

Why can you not talk to anyone in real life? Have you not confided in anyone about his affair?

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 11:12

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:11

She ended her 7 year relationship to be with him last year (he made her believe for most of their affair that he and I had split up but were still living together until I could find somewhere else. He was taking his wedding ring off every day at work).
Her ex has since moved on and has a new partner now.

Who told you all this?

Tittyfilarious81 · 02/03/2023 11:13

I'm so sorry op but I don't think they ever ended the relationship. If you have somewhere to go pack your things and leave and get legal advice to start divorce proceeding.

Mummyratbag · 02/03/2023 11:13

This man has destroyed your marriage, don't let him destroy your peace of mind.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 02/03/2023 11:14

They're still together. So let them be. Walk away.

LadyHarmby · 02/03/2023 11:14

Look, you made a mistake forgiving him the first time. That’s becoming clear with his behaviour. That’s ok, we all make mistakes. But you need to learn from it and don’t do it again. Ditch his ass.

N27 · 02/03/2023 11:15

He may well miss her friendship, but it’s entirely his fault that it’s gone!!

he had you as his wife and her as a friend, and then he went and fucked it all up, so it’s entirely down to him why that situation is 100% inappropriate moving forward!

it seems to me that he’s either not truly sorry or he doesn’t see the gravity of what he’s done. He’s only sorry for a few months until he thinks you’ve calmed down and he can have his girlfriend back too?

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:16

She told me. When I found out about the affair I sent her a furious message. She spoke to me the next day saying she had believed he was single. She then confided in me about everything and we were talking 24/7 for a week trying to unravel all of the bullshit he fed us both. When he and I (stupidly) decided to try and fix things I cut contact with her to try and move on. It appears that they became close again shortly after that.
honestly writing all of this down makes me see how ridiculous this situation is. It’s so much harder when you’re the one actually going through it and being repeatedly manipulated though

OP posts:

MrsTopaz · 02/03/2023 11:17

YesitsBess · 02/03/2023 10:42

He needs to fuck aaaaaaaaalllllll the way off. Then a bit more...and a bit more again until he falls off the edge of the planet.

You need some peace and quiet away from his noise to get your head straight.

The people who help align ducks will be along shortly with practical advice.

This 👆
get some space from him op, the answer is clear, hes just made you question your own mind.

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Rose424 · 02/03/2023 11:17

Your husband is either extremely immature and really rather stupid if he does not understand the commitment he has made to you. Or, your husband is extremely self-entitled and is sort of gaslighting you into believing that it is perfectly normal for married men to continue friendship with a woman he was having an affair with.
He needs someone to read him the riot act.
Is there anyone who could do that for you, OP?

KeanuKenunu · 02/03/2023 11:17

The feeling that you don't know what is ok and not ok is because he has slowly eroded your boundaries so you accept what is not ok. He got away with lots of nonsense excuses which you mention so assumes he can carry on with it and get away with it. We accept these things when we love someone and they should not betray our trust and take advantage. I wonder if he has told you you are not thinking straight, jumping to conclusions, equally to blame and other such manipulative tactics.

This makes you lose your sense of self. The reality is that you feel terrible - he is making you feel terrible and he is not entitled to do that or speak to you that way. He is impacting your wellbeing. That is what tells you it's not OK and he's not treating you well. A good relationship makes you feel treasured and special and allows you to flourish - it makes you feel safe and comfortable. That is what you deserve and are entitled to. Be firm in your own reality and truth - your feelings and views on this matter are correct and valid. Don't give in to self-doubt.

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:17

Yes I agree he doesn’t understand the gravity of what he has done at all. He implies I just need to get over it and have nothing to worry about

OP posts:

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