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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 02/03/2023 12:16

I'd never have forgiven him in the first place, but if I did I'd have insisted at minimum that he get a new job and never speak to this woman again. He's taken you for an absolute mug OP, I'm so sorry, hurts my heart just thinking about how painful this must be.

He's made it clear he prioritises her over you, so let them have eachother, hopefully they'll both cheat on eachother and make eachother really miserable.

Whatever the case, you need to walk away with your head high, even if you feel like curling into a ball and crying for a year. Show him the same contempt he's shown you.

Everyotherone · 02/03/2023 12:17

Thats appalling OP. He has literally no respect or consideration for anyone. I can understand trying to give a marriage a chance but I’m baffled what she could possibly see in him now. Although I suspect she might thrive on a bit of drama by the sounds of it.

Water finds its own level, and as painful as it is right now, you’re going to be better off without him. You deserve so much more than he’s capable of giving.

Igniteyourbones · 02/03/2023 12:17

He should be thanking his lucky stars that you gave him a second chance. He sees her outside of work (for any reason) and divorce. You need to be very very clear on this with him. If he respects you and wants to make his marriage work then he would agree to this. If you agree to this, then you know what will happen.

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 12:19

I think she is lonely as she isn’t from here and doesn’t have friends in the area. He is very good at being extremely charming and lovebombing too. When he wants to he can make you feel like the most amazing person in the world and then pull the rug from under your feet. I’m sure he must be showing her his most charming side so she thinks the sun shines out of his arse!

OP posts:
SpaceOpera · 02/03/2023 12:21

OP, divorce is a long-haul endeavour.

I can’t stress enough that you should not leave the marital home, which the courts will consider a joint asset, unless you have written legal advice supporting that.

At the financial hearing, my barrister said she was thankful that I’d returned to the family home after initially moving out.

If you’re going away to clear your head, make sure he knows you’re coming back and when to expect you back. Let him know you’re taking legal advice. Find a divorce support group near you - trusted friends and family are essential, but you’ll also need a group of people who are emotionally disengaged from you but have experience of getting through separation and divorce.

EezyOozy · 02/03/2023 12:22

Yep. End it. Clean break. He is trying to go on a double date and taking you for an absolute fool.

Deathraystare · 02/03/2023 12:22

him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.

What the actual fuck cheeky and insensitive git! Can you imagine if you had behaved like that. Would he have smiled and said "Fine". Total arsewipe!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 02/03/2023 12:22

Aaaaw, the poor man misses his FRIEND.
And is telling you that you're unreasonable for being put out he is still shagging her socialising with her, & deliberately exclusing you in case you cause drama?

He's an appalling bully who has done such a number on you that he feels he can treat you like shit & you will stick around.
Yes, you have to leave him. There is NO coming back from this level of disrespect & cruelty.

DO NOT TELL HIM YOUR PLANS.
Just make them quietly, see a lawyer in secret, disclose all the finance & asset documentation & get an idea of how you would be set up, or what you would have to deal with, to set up your own new household.

Figgygal · 02/03/2023 12:23

He showing you such little respect ive no idea why you're still there op

Terven · 02/03/2023 12:23

Check your finances. His “regret” may be only for biding time and redistribute and hide money for a possible divorce.

alterego2 · 02/03/2023 12:24

This is so wrong. You are right - you do need to end the marriage.

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 12:25

Can anyone understand why he is telling me about meeting her and being friends with her when he could easily continue to lie about it like he did last year? Is this just a manipulation tactic where he can throw things back in my face by saying “but I was fully transparent with you about meeting up with her”?

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 02/03/2023 12:26

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:57

No children.
it’s his house so I will have to be the one to leave and buy somewhere else when we divorce.
I did initially say that if I could meet her one to one then I could potentially be open to the idea of them being friends much further down the line once we had fixed things and I could see it really was just platonic between them. I made it clear this wasn’t a given though and I would probably find it too difficult. He accepted this and agreed it wasn’t fair on me for them to continue a friendship. Two months later and he’s now behaving like this and also saying he doesn’t want me to meet her. I feel absolutely fuming! He is going to her house on Saturday apparently to borrow some stuff for the garden too.

Stop twisting yourself into knots to accommodate this insanity.
He has gaslit you & manipulated you for so long about that that you cannot even see the extent of how outrageous he is being.

You said upthread he can afford a divorce.
Good.
How long have you been married?
Get a REALLY good lawyer, & go for the maximum: you need all the money you can get in order to set yourself back up again. You would not be in this situation if he were not a disgusting sleaze & user, so do NOT hold back.

Whatsshecalled · 02/03/2023 12:26

You are not in the wrong in any way. He is completely wrong by anyone's standards. You already know this.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 02/03/2023 12:26

He probably wants YOU to end the marriage, so he can look good , then go off with this OW and he can't tell everyone they were both single etc .

Bin him and take him to the cleaners .

SpaceOpera · 02/03/2023 12:26

One other thing to add OP. One doesn’t have to look very far through these pages to see that people of both sexes and all ages behave as badly as they like IF they are allowed to, and will continue for as long as they allowed to.

Take a look at what you have allowed so far.

He fooled you once, shame on him. He fools you twice…

Said with a wish that you spread your wings and fly away from this man into happier circumstances.

BadNomad · 02/03/2023 12:26

He's blown his second chance. The man doesn't even realise how inappropriate it is to stay in contact with an affair partner, never mind wanting to be friends with them. His judgement and self-awareness is so fucked-up, you won't ever be able to trust him. I think, for your own self-respect and dignity, you should be the one to walk away from him now. No more chances. No more listening to his reasons. Who he is, and what your relationship is now, does not work for you any more. There is no shame in walking away from it.

Scratchybaby · 02/03/2023 12:26

This case is so open and shut it shouldn't even be a question.

OP, your life can be so much better than this! You're still young, it sounds like you don't have children? If you are young, free and flexible as to where you live and work, able to work and support yourself, life is still your oyster - go out and grab something better. The unbelievable leaps of logic and morality he's making about no longer wanting an affair but still wanting friendship don't even need to concern you anymore - that mess is his problem and 9 times out of 10 does not end well for those involved. But you don't need to hang around to get drawn into the consequences of a mess you didn't make.

That mess is his problem, not yours. Leave, get out there, and find what makes you happy. You've got a whole life ahead of you to find that.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/03/2023 12:27

He's really done a number on you OP for you to doubt your reaction to this. What was your marriage like before the affair? Why haven't you got anyone to talk to about this?

Couldyounot · 02/03/2023 12:27

as he thinks it will cause drama

Well yeah, fucking someone other than your spouse tends to have that effect. Perhaps he ought to have considered that beforehand.

SavBlancTonight · 02/03/2023 12:27

OP, never mind boundaries. He' being a complete wanker. He had an affair and now he's whining becuase there are consequences? Screw him. this is like DS - he doesn't always understand why, if he's done something bad and then apologised fully there are still punishments. But DS is 11. So this is something he's still working on. your husband does not have that excuse.

And the fact that he's making out that HE is the one who is hard done by is a clear sign that he's probably gaslighting you in a million other ways you aren't even currently aware of.

I am afraid that yes, this relationship is over. Leave now while you still can.

juliettesmother · 02/03/2023 12:28

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 12:25

Can anyone understand why he is telling me about meeting her and being friends with her when he could easily continue to lie about it like he did last year? Is this just a manipulation tactic where he can throw things back in my face by saying “but I was fully transparent with you about meeting up with her”?

Absolutely. As a PP said, he is hiding in plain sight.

Not only is he having his cake and eating it, but you are serving it to him on a platter.

LTB

Feelingittchy · 02/03/2023 12:29

He's gaslighting you op. Making this a you problem instead of a he's a fucking arsehole problem

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 02/03/2023 12:30

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 12:25

Can anyone understand why he is telling me about meeting her and being friends with her when he could easily continue to lie about it like he did last year? Is this just a manipulation tactic where he can throw things back in my face by saying “but I was fully transparent with you about meeting up with her”?

It's partly what you think - an "in plain sight" manipulation.

But I reckon it's also about him enjoying the thrill of the dominance display, exercising his power over you.

He wants you to perform the Pick Me Dance.
DON'T.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

btw - have a browse of ChumpLady's archives.
You will find her full of support, advice, compassion & unending snark.
You NEED ChumpLady right now!

Nursejackie1 · 02/03/2023 12:30

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 11:01

May i ask how old you and he are?

this sounds like year 10 classroom drama. Your husband is a disgrace OP

Not helpful to comment that it’s like a silly teen drama. This is OPs marriage and I can fully understand how devastating all this is.
Grown men pull this shit all the time.
it’s really demeaning to tell someone going through the hell of all this that they’re upset over something that belongs in school.