Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/03/2023 11:18

This marriage is toxic and dead. You are still quite young. Just move on and find a relationship with less drama.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2023 11:19

He hasn't stopped seeing her at all op, you know this deep down. He is a bold faced lier and I would never believe a word he says again.
He obviously doesn't think much of you to think you would believe they're just friends now... like that should be an option anyway or find it reasonable for him to request this.

Let her have your trash, you deserve far better than to be treated like this.
He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, don't let him.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 11:19

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:17

Yes I agree he doesn’t understand the gravity of what he has done at all. He implies I just need to get over it and have nothing to worry about

Oh he will “understand”

he just doesn’t care

drpet49 · 02/03/2023 11:21

Boxe · 02/03/2023 10:39

He’s making a fool out of you for a second time.

This. You deserve so much better than this OP.

samqueens · 02/03/2023 11:22

It’s pretty difficult to get unanimous feedback on MN but absolutely agree with all of the above.
Maybe he has changed, maybe as he has progressed in career etc he has leant into his selfishness more - or maybe you didn’t clock how entitled, selfish and disrespectful he was sooner because it never impacted you emotionally in this way.
In any case, you’ve done nothing wrong and his behaviour and the way he is gaslighting you is extremely manipulative and absolutely despicable.
You are right, he is wrong. Please walk away as fast as possible - you’re still young and the sooner you get away from this douchebag the sooner you can start living your best life!

(If you’re in doubt about the rights/wrongs of what he is saying to you I would suggest that his emotional manipulation may be part of a longer pattern than you recognise. It might be helpful to read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? which you can download on the kindle app. Hopefully most of it won’t reasonate, but there’s incredibly useful and validating info in there on this type of mindset… it might help you feel a lot more empowered than you do right now)

Griefgood · 02/03/2023 11:22

Tell him to fuck right off, how dare he say that to you. What a cunt.

Isheabastard · 02/03/2023 11:22

You are married and he betrayed you and your marriage vows by having an affair.

The normal thing men do when they want to stay married is to seek forgiveness and do whatever it takes to make his wife feel that he can be trusted again. If it means severing all contact with OW, then so be it.

Your husband seems to think him having this friendship is more important than staying married. Maybe he’s used to getting his own way in all things. But I think he is TOTALLY in the wrong not to put your feelings first. If you don’t like it then he should be doing whatever he can to make you happy.

You need to tell him if this friendship is more important than his marriage then it’s over. He is being unreasonable to call you cruel for doing what any other woman would do in the same circumstances.

Please remember that he won’t actually believe the things he says to you, he just hopes you will believe them, because if you do then he gets his own way, again.

Rose424 · 02/03/2023 11:23

When he says that you have nothing to worry about, tell him that's missing the point.
You're not worried he's going to leave you. You're worried because he is destabilising your reality. Trying to make you believe things are normal when they are far from normal. He's trying to make out that you're the one being unreasonable when we all know that what he is doing is unreasonable.
He's cake and eat. He isn't entitled to do that all the time he is your husband. I think he needs a shock.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 02/03/2023 11:24

Fuck that! 2 months since they last slept together and he wants to wrestle his way in with your blessing?? Where’s his respect for you? My sister had a similar situation and he did flit between her and his AP before (saying that he) decided to stay with her. 2 years down the line and she’s still suffering but still with him.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/03/2023 11:24

He has absolutely zero respect for you, OP. I'm so sorry. I think your relationship is over.

You deserve so much better than this. Cut your losses quickly and start trying to rebuild your life. You will be so much happier for it.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2023 11:25

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:59

Married for 3 years and together 9

Then I doubt it's 'his' house.

RockGirl · 02/03/2023 11:26

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Don't move out, but break up with him emotionally.

Do a 360, live your life without him.

Get a sharp lawyer and make sure you get everything you deserve in the divorce.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2023 11:27

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:05

He is 40 and I’m 35. The person I married is so different to who he is now. He’s got to be having some sort of midlife crisis and thinks it’s ok to destroy my life in the process

People don't suddenly become different imo.

He's always been like this, It's just the opportunity that's new

Soonenough · 02/03/2023 11:29

Horrible man. Manipulating two women now. And both of you seem to letting him. In what universe is it acceptable that he spends time without you with his affair partner. Fuck that shit.

And it does not matter that it was his house that you moved into. You are married and you have rights regarding his assets. Please see a solicitor to explore your options . He may choose to buy you out or have to sell. Either way , you
should have funds to enable you to establish yourself , free of this despicable, selfish, narcissistic twat.

Imtryingnottobother · 02/03/2023 11:31

He’s lying to you both. If he truly regretted his behaviour, he’d be moving heaven on earth to put it right, not trying to insert himself back into this woman’s life.
Its a shitty and cruel thing to do to someone, but you need to leave and start rebuilding your self esteem and life, the prospect of leaving can seem overwhelming, but life is so much easier when you step off the emotional roller coaster you’re on now.

Duckingella · 02/03/2023 11:31

I'm sorry but no matter the circumstances no one should be pursuing a friendship with their affair partner whilst attempting to make their relationship work post revelation of the affair;it's disrespectful.Realistically he needs to be looking for a new job/moving sites and cutting contact with the affair partner not bloody going out as a "couple" on a double date with another couple,why aren't you the one to be by his side on this meet up?

He obviously isn't going to let her go and the chances are he'll probably have sex with her at the end of the evening out;no way would I be prepared to let my husband go swanning off with his former mistress.

Honestly you deserve so much better than this.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/03/2023 11:31

Wow he's a piece of work isn't he. The gall of the man 😮

OP you can't ever come back from this, end it now and move on. You will get over it eventually and be much happier. You're still so young, don't put up with this shit, he's a horrible human being.

Mentalpiece · 02/03/2023 11:31

I would let him go for a drink with her.

So long as he took all his stuff with him and never came back.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Very true that.

Murraydeservedit · 02/03/2023 11:32

Jesus christ.

Leave. No children makes it all a million times easier. He’s got no respect for you at all.

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/03/2023 11:32

His shirts and trousers would be floating like sails across the garden the moment he’d said that, he’d be out. He’s done a real number on you that your outrage didn’t kick in and provoke a similar response. Christ on a bike, get rid! He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. Utterly pathetic, self absorbed fuck wit that he is:

Lmonaid · 02/03/2023 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request

butterfliedtwo · 02/03/2023 11:34

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:17

Yes I agree he doesn’t understand the gravity of what he has done at all. He implies I just need to get over it and have nothing to worry about

Of course he understands. He does it anyway because he doesn't care. It's a choice.

Make yours wisely now.

Denise82 · 02/03/2023 11:36

Read back everything you have written as if someone else posted. Ask yourself what your advice would be.
My advice is it sounds like you are able to make a cleanish break from him (no children), emotionally you will heal with time but if you stay with him you will never be at peace.
Good luck in your decisions x

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:37

he said he was borrowing something we need for the garden from someone from work. I asked who and he said “the person you won’t want me to borrow it from”. I asked when he was getting it from her and he said he would go to her house Saturday briefly to collect it and he was giving her one of our rhubarb plants in return.
I instantly burst into tears as I couldn’t believe how blasé he was being about it all and how completely insane this situation is that he’s put me in.
He got snappy and said he was “concerned” I was making a big deal out of it when he thought I was open to the idea of them being friends again eventually.
I then asked if he was wanting to spend more time with her again and he said “yes, it would be nice to start going for drinks at our local some Friday nights with her and another couple she is friends with but I have nothing to worry about as he loves me and she’s just a friend now”.
I got more and more upset and said I wasn’t ok with any of this situation. He disappeared upstairs to give me space as I was so upset and angry with him.
This morning he has text me from work acting as though everything is normal and yesterday didn’t happen.
I need to find the strength to just end the marriage now as I feel completely defeated by it all and the amount of lies he tells me

OP posts:
tinkywinkysaysitsinconvenient · 02/03/2023 11:37

It's very unusual for there to be 100% of people thinking YANBU. This tells its own story OP. I am very sorry you've had to put up with this horrible man.