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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 02/03/2023 11:38

I think he wants you to leave so he doesn't feel like the baddie. Tell everyone what he did, no one will agree with him and make sure you don't walk away empty handed from a ten year relationship. Get angry.

KimberleyClark · 02/03/2023 11:39

Unbelievable that he wants to stay “friends” with his affair partner and expect you to be ok with it. I would just tell him to leave and be with her quite frankly.

BellePeppa · 02/03/2023 11:40

Showmethefood · 02/03/2023 10:53

Truth is if he really loved you and respected you he would put you before her. He’s still choosing her over you - he’s just disguising it under the umbrella of “friendship”.

Show quote history

Totally this. His ‘friendship’ with her, even if it was to be platonic is more important to him than your feelings.

End the marriage because you’re not the most important woman in his life.

SlightlyJaded · 02/03/2023 11:40

I can't believe what I am reading.

He can frame it however he wants. He is getting stroppy because you won't let him go on a double-date with his fucking mistress.

Seriously - that is all that is happening here.

So he hasn't slept with her for 2 months? Big deal - she has left her husband, they have been together a year and she loves him. And now he is trying to date her in plain sight.

Brazen cunt.

Please don't allow this to become your life.

Logburnerperils · 02/03/2023 11:41

Say what now?

Original poster

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:41

I know if I stay with him and give him an ultimatum that I don’t want them socialising together he will be cold and distant with me. I guess that says it all as he is not prioritising my feelings in these situation and trying to make me feel secure and safe

OP posts:

feelinglikeanewparent · 02/03/2023 11:41

He doesn't respect you.

Respect yourself. You deserve better.

MrsPerfect12 · 02/03/2023 11:42

You're not wrong here. Time to call a solicitor 🦆🦆🦆🦆
don't put yourself through anymore of this. I believe as someone else said he wants you to leave, either that pushing to see how much you'll allow.
Wishing you the best. Keep posting and we'll support you the best we can.

Rose424 · 02/03/2023 11:43

Why not lay it out straight OP. Tell him he must choose. He can choose to meet up with her. The consequences of that decision will be divorce.

YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2023 11:44

He's gaslighting you, disrespecting you, treating you like an idiot, and messing with your head - these are NOT the actions of a supposed loving husband.

You will never be free of this if you stay with a man like him. He's not truly sorry. He's probably been thinking of her the whole time, and is excited at the thought of being with her again. You deserve better than that.

letthemalldoone · 02/03/2023 11:44

The affair never ended.

You're worth more than this. Get rid.

YukoandHiro · 02/03/2023 11:45

YANBU. He wants to hang on to you both. Leave him.

YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2023 11:45

Rose424 · 02/03/2023 11:43

Why not lay it out straight OP. Tell him he must choose. He can choose to meet up with her. The consequences of that decision will be divorce.

Its gone too far for that - he'll just gaslight her and get angry at OP even more. Don't do the pick me dance op. YOU decide, don't ask him to do it for you!

WilsonMilson · 02/03/2023 11:45

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Don’t let this utter piece of shit walk all over you, he is clearly at it (probably never stopped) and is now just flaunting it publicly because he thinks you’re weak enough to let it happen.

LTB and take him for as much as you can, the side piece is welcome to him.

Original poster

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:46

I feel like I’ve made it very clear how upsetting it would be for me if they were to meet up. The fact he is still going to get the garden stuff on Saturday shows he is never going to put me first. Thanks for all of your helpful comments , they are helping me to see the wood from the trees in what has been a very confusing situation. The level of manipulation he has done has been mind blowing.

OP posts:

DarceyG · 02/03/2023 11:46

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:05

He is 40 and I’m 35. The person I married is so different to who he is now. He’s got to be having some sort of midlife crisis and thinks it’s ok to destroy my life in the process

People always think mid life crisis I think he’s just a bastard basically. Tell him to fuck off and get away from him. This will be destroying your self worth. Never let a man off with cheating once because this always always happens.

Wombats23 · 02/03/2023 11:49

Fuck that.

You're currently in the fog of war. Take a break, go somewhere else, tell him to piss off for a time, whatever it takes to get some perspective.

Because at the moment he's persuading you this situation is pretty reasonable when it's truly batshit behaviour.

Fladdermus · 02/03/2023 11:49

He's properly taking the piss OP. Your marriage is over, you are no longer a partnership, working together for the benefit of that partnership. His priority is his 'friendship' with the other woman. I'm so sorry for you.

Escapingafter50years · 02/03/2023 11:50

He has really left you with no option so don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's your fault.

No reasonable person would expect their spouse to tolerate this cruelty.

A relationship needs effort and understanding from both sides. This is not happening in yours.

The other woman apparently had the excuse before of believing he was single. Now she knows he isn't, but still isn't stepping away from the situation. She has her interests, not yours at heart and is prepared to cause you devastation.

They probably deserve each other but I'm so sorry for the pain they have caused you. I hope you have support from friends and family.

RosieRainbowfluff · 02/03/2023 11:50

Please OP dump this piece of crap.

You only get one life, don't waste your best years not living. 🌷

DarceyG · 02/03/2023 11:51

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2023 11:27

People don't suddenly become different imo.

He's always been like this, It's just the opportunity that's new

Show quote history

I agree, I was shocked and surprised by my child’s father and long time partner thought he’d changed. He hadn’t he’d always been an arsehole but kept it more under wraps.

Now he is being an arsehole to his wife and I tell her to leave but she seems stuck.

He is currently asking me for lifts as he broke his foot and needs to collect our daughter from school. It’s his night I said yes but no boundaries not sure how his wife feels about it. Men like this are selfish to core get the hell away from him. Best thing I ever did.

CatLove4 · 02/03/2023 11:52

She isn’t a friend of the marriage
She now knows she’s married and is disrespecting that

He is just an epic c* of the highest order.

get rid, what kind of life if he giving you

Lordofmyflies · 02/03/2023 11:52

What a horrible man OP. He cheated on you, broke your marriage vows and trust which is terrible. He now has so little respect for you he wants to maintain a friendship with this woman?! In what part of this process has he even considered what you want? Unbelievable. Infidelity is one thing, but his disregard for you is another. Do yourself a favour and leave him because he sure as hell isn't looking out for you.

LemonTT · 02/03/2023 11:53

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:48

His argument is that if he wanted to be with her he would have ended things with me (he can afford the divorce so it’s not about money). He said she was initially a friend and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job. Just before I uncovered the affair he said he had been very distant with her and trying to end it all (she has confirmed to me he was being like that).
He said he now doesn’t find her sexually attractive at all but always really got on with her as a person and misses her friendship.
He is making me out to be cruel for not allowing them to hang out now. It has been 2 months since they last slept together ffs!
if she is still in love with him I’m sure she will try her hardest to lure him back into a physical relationship again (if they aren’t already). I feel completely heartbroken by his behaviour and would never have married him if I could have foreseen how selfish he really is

He was with her in the way he wanted to be with her OR the only way she allowed him to be with her. Where was your choice in this? When do you decide the boundaries of your relationship

If he felt threatened or coerced by her into a relationship why does he want a friendship now🤔. Either he knows she is willing to destroy him or not. Anyway she didn’t destroy his career so that sounds like nonsense.

SapatSea · 02/03/2023 11:55

He is trying to manipulate you into blurring the boundaries that have been set. If you agree to his request then he will feel he has carte blanche to meet up with her as much as he wants - because "you have said it is okay." He will also start to push them - so drinks with other colleagues this time, will move to cosy dinner/drinks/chats with just her and "conferences" away.

If he really wanted your forgiveness he would adhere to whatever boundraies you wanted and for as long as you wanted them. What a chancer. So much for "love and cherish" and marriage vows.

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