Can’t take much more of this!

[Violetrose1]

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

I don’t think he was still seeing her during the last two months as literally goes to work and is home by 3pm every day (I work from home). He never goes out in the evenings or weekends with friends as he’s a hermit (which makes it even more suspicious that he’s suddenly wanting to go to the pub regularly with her and her friends when he’s not a sociable kind of guy). She literally lives about 5 streets away from us so I’m sure after the pub he can easily pop into hers for a quickie. I was really upset earlier but I now just feel absolutely fuming

You can’t demand anything from him. He is a person and he will do what he wants.

You get to decide if you are willing to accept what seems to be in his view a very open relationship. Or not. Even if you demand he doesn’t see her. It won’t change anything, he just won’t tell you if he decides to.

Get rid of him. Move onto a fabulous new life with people who deserve you.

He's a cheeky twatting bastard OP.

So he wants your permission to see his (ex? maybe?) affair partner.

And gets angry and defensive when you get, very rightly, upset?

Ewww...just do yourself a favour and dump him Op - seriously. He.does.not.respect.or.care.about.you. Good men who care about their partners DO NOT act like this.

Leave. You know it's the right thing to do even though it's harder. You stay and you're just waiting on him leaving you.
You leave and you tell everyone who knows you both that it's because he had an affair.
My husband had an affair, I have two toddlers and am 7 months pregnant, leave before it gets more complicated

Pack his bags! Who does he think he is? That’s laughable!!

You’re married. That house is a marital asset. Leave him and get a good lawyer to make sure you walk away with everything and more that you are owed.

Do not let this piece of shit manipulate you into accepting his shit treatment of you any longer.

She loves five streets away? Jesus Christ.

There's hundreds and thousands of people he could be friends with but he only wants to be friends with the one he has recently been riding like Tonto.

OK.

I listened to lots of hand-wringing and upset about how much he missed the ow when their (much shorter) affair ended. I found it crushing, and was waiting for him to realise how much it was hurtful and wrong to be putting me through that. You'll be waiting forever. I walked away in the end (which he was apparently devasted about but still moved in with a different woman weeks later).

Someone like this is so caught up in their own feelings, there's no sense of loyalty or responsibility or commitment driving their behavior. It's all about feelings - when they feel into you it's amazing because you are the focus of what they feel like doing with their time, but when someone/something else catches their eye you are on your own.

He's probably an emotional void because there's nothing meaningful or fulfilling about giving into you every whim, but he's not suddenly going to be a different person either. Cut your losses I'd say.

Oh darling! He’s got no respect for you. How dare he suggest meeting her. Horrible. Be with someone who treasures you. Let her have him. She won’t want him when she finds out you don’t want him anymore and she certainly won’t trust him. Be strong. Believe in yourself.x

End it you deserve better

Staying with your DH is the path of less resistance as you don't have to go through the pain and difficulty of leaving, but the path of less resistance is not always what is best for you. Sometimes you have to take the path which presents itself as an uphill struggle, knowing that at the top of the hill is where your freedom and happiness lies.

This situation is one where the phrase "short term pain for long term gain" applies. Picture yourself in 1 year. 3 years. 5 years. 10 years. Envisage how you want your life to be, do you want to be happy? Do you want to be in a relationship founded on trust and honesty? Do you think you can build this future with your current DH, considering how poorly he has treated you and how awful his behaviour towards you continues to be?

I think you know that you deserve better than this, OP. This man considers you to be a fool and you know that you're not. It's clear as day what he's doing but he is expecting you to roll over and let him do what he wants - he wants a wife to come home to but a mistress to have on the side and he has no intention of giving her up. He values your marriage so poorly that he had no issue with telling people you'd split up for a year!

You sound very smart OP and you appear to have your head screwed on, if you decide to leave him please just remember that you CAN do this, you ARE capable, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Kick this obnoxious fucker to the curb, get those duckies all lined up and file for divorce. Don't be sucked in by his charming manipulation, you are wise to his games now. You know what he's like and you know how to deal with the situation. You'll look back on this time in your life in years to come as the pivotal moment and you don't want to look back and wish you left him but didn't.

he said he was borrowing something we need for the garden from someone from work. I asked who and he said “the person you won’t want me to borrow it from”.

My mouth fell open when I read this, I cannot believe this came out of the mouth of a 40-year-old man. OP you sound really nice, you don't need to tolerate this. You're young and have still got so much living to do, please don't waste it on him.

Jesus, he's unbelievable. HE shags a colleauge and YOU'RE the mean one stopping them being friends? FFS.

Divorce him and move on to a life where you aren't disrespected, deceived and gaslit.

He is a monumental arsehole and you deserve better. Move into the spare room, get yourself a SHL and take him to the cleaners.

What the heck happened in your childhood op to make you have such a truly abysmal benchmark for what makes a good person and a loving relationship

Because he wants you to be ok with it.
Once you are and he's back to his old tricks he can then turn it round and say you gave him the go ahead, were fine with it.

In all honesty I can't understand why he hasn't just moved in with the OW if he wants her instead of treating you as appallingly as he is. He really doesn't see anything he's doing as wrong, not only going to her house on Saturday but expecting you be be fine with that.
Maybe he knows he'd have to give up half the marital assets if you divorced and it's all that he doesn't want to lose...talk about having your cake and eating it.

Equally why is this OW having anything to do with him after he lied to her about being separated from you.

You're a better person than me as I really would walk away, at 35 your far to young to spend the rest of your life being second best.

Hopefully you don't do any household stuff for him, cooking, laundry, cleaning...
I'd be blowed if I would when the OW doesn't get any of that shite part.

"His argument is that if he wanted to be with her he would have ended things with me (he can afford the divorce so it’s not about money)."

@Violetrose1

Bullshit. He doesn't want to lose his 'guaranteed home comforts' and his 'upstanding family man' reputation. Right now he gets a clean house, cooked meals, an 'on call' companion for TV nights & outings, and (I assume) a sex partner. You are the 'known', OW is the 'unknown'. And also, people in his orbit probably think he's a 'great guy'.

Personally, I don't think the 'affair' ever ended. He's keeping her 'in reserve' against the chance that you'll tell him to GTF. Which you should. Oh sure, perhaps he stopped sleeping with her (or maybe not), but I believe the 'emotional affair' has continued throughout. He's stringing both of you along. And I think his 'we're just friends' thing is to pave the way for him to either resume the physical affair, or make it easier to continue it if it's been ongoing.

A good friend went through the same thing. He got caught, didn't want to lose his home comforts and 'family man' reputation, so he (supposedly) broke it off with OW, went to counseling and 'said all the right things' to make my friend believe he was truly remorseful. Only for my friend to discover that he'd been lying the whole time and had never broken it off. She kicked him out, divorced him, kept the house (now paid off) and has lived happily ever after. He married OW, they bicker constantly, and are in heavy debt with a huge mortgage.

See a solicitor before you do or say anything. It may seem easier to you to walk away with only what you walked in with, but it may not be in your own best interests in the long run. Don't make an uninformed decision. I'm not telling you to 'take the house' or 'take him to the cleaners' or even that it's possible. But you do need to know what your rights are WRT marital assets and if claiming a share will make it easier for you to set yourself up in your new life.

Even if it was platonic he is not respecting your wishes.

Because of the affair and lack of respect, he needs kicking out!

It makes zero difference if he is or wants to have an affair with this woman. Makes zero difference if she does with him.

The fact is, he had an affair with her. The last thing on his fucking mind if he had even the tiniest ounce of respect or love for you, his wife, should be concern over keeping her as a friend. Let alone taking her out the bloody pub. His priority should be you. No ifs, no buts, no grey areas. 100% you.

He is not worth a second more of your time. The house is a marital asset, not just his. he has wronged you, not the other way around. You are worth so so so much more than he is treating you as.
Go and see a solicitor and start the ball rolling. The sooner you get this cheating piece of crap put of your life, the sooner your life will get so much better.

Don't waste anymore energy on him, let her keep him busy whilst you copy everything and see a solicitor. Book in for an STI check up too.

Move onwards and upwards.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

Have self-respect and end it.

I wouldn't have forgiven him in the first place, but if I did decide to then I would have expected him to change jobs and cut off all contact with the OW.

He's making a fool out of you. LTB.

I'd just say of course he can go because you'll be speaking to a divorce lawyer at that time.

If he says he won't go then say great but you're still going to see the divorce lawyer at that time.

Thats the problem with men who cheat, they see you giving them a second chance as condoning it. They also think they have you whipped and you can't leave them. This man is an absolute pisstake. I'm happy you're angry, you're only 35, leave him and start again before he wastes more of your time and your self respect plummets. He isn't worth it. £593 no fault divorce online, file tonight if you can, the financial settlement is a few months into the process but get the ball rolling and start your new life. It will be hard but choose yourself.