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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 11:55

God no what an arsehole. Totally inappropriate

UnctuousUnicorns · 02/03/2023 11:56

Oh, OP, please get shut of this creep, then consider counselling or therapy to help you understand just why you let a man - or anybody - walk all over you and treat you like shit. Your self-esteem must be so low. You really don't have to live like this. Good luck. 💐

Fladdermus · 02/03/2023 11:56

The fact that he wants to play couples with her and go on a double date with her friends would finish me off. Fuckwittery at it's finest.

Donnaslayer · 02/03/2023 12:00

I'm so sorry your having to go through this op. This is totally unreasonable and very disrespectful to you. Sounds like he thinks you are a bit of soft touch, as he's already had a long affair and your still here - he must believe you are dependant on him and can get away with it. Well you are not a soft touch op, please dont beat yourself up for giving him a 2nd chance. Its him, he has royally fucked this up! Like others have advised I'd disengaged arguing about it with him as hes shown you his true colours now. Even if he says he'll change, he wont. He prefers to spend time with another women instead of you! Please go and see a divorce solicitor and get your exit plan straight in your head, then move into a different bedroom or make him. What ever you do, don't let him push you out of 'his' house as I'm sure the solicitor will tell you unless you've signed something like a prenuptial agreement you'll be entitled to a share of all his assets including house and his pension etc. Take him to the cleaners, other women is welcome to him as just remember when a man get serious with his mistress a vacancy is created to be filled by a new lady friend. Good luck op we're all routing for you xxx

MsRosley · 02/03/2023 12:02

So he just wants to continue with an emotional affair rather than actually screw her then?

Hell no.

Madamecastafiore · 02/03/2023 12:02

He ceases contact immediately or your relationship is finished. If he's not willing to do that, and it is a completely reasonable thing to ask of him then you start divorcé proceedings and he can go out with her and be as friendly as he likes. He doesn't get to do both.

Im99912 · 02/03/2023 12:02

probably not the best advice but …
If you do leave him I would probably text the other woman and make it clear she is welcome to him and that you no longer want him
that way he can’t rewrite history and tell her he left you for her blah blah blah
i would have to let her know that it’s you who no longer wants him and she is second best

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2023 12:04

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 11:37

he said he was borrowing something we need for the garden from someone from work. I asked who and he said “the person you won’t want me to borrow it from”. I asked when he was getting it from her and he said he would go to her house Saturday briefly to collect it and he was giving her one of our rhubarb plants in return.
I instantly burst into tears as I couldn’t believe how blasé he was being about it all and how completely insane this situation is that he’s put me in.
He got snappy and said he was “concerned” I was making a big deal out of it when he thought I was open to the idea of them being friends again eventually.
I then asked if he was wanting to spend more time with her again and he said “yes, it would be nice to start going for drinks at our local some Friday nights with her and another couple she is friends with but I have nothing to worry about as he loves me and she’s just a friend now”.
I got more and more upset and said I wasn’t ok with any of this situation. He disappeared upstairs to give me space as I was so upset and angry with him.
This morning he has text me from work acting as though everything is normal and yesterday didn’t happen.
I need to find the strength to just end the marriage now as I feel completely defeated by it all and the amount of lies he tells me

Get yourself some legal advice asap.

Get the ball rolling with a divorce and find out your entitlement re the house and any other assists (I'm not suggesting you go for his pension or anything, but you'll need a home)

Get in before he does.

Boxe · 02/03/2023 12:04

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/03/2023 10:41

We need to reframe this. He is not making a fool of op. The shame is not hers, he is the arsehole here.

Show quote history

You’re talking like OP had no agency here. She knows that this man had a relationship while married to her, and she took him back.

Now, shock horror, it turns out he’s a liar.

callmeblondee · 02/03/2023 12:05

Imagine this scenario, you have an affair with his mate and then you decide you want to hang out with him and will expect that your hubby has no issue with it. Can you even imagine it, no, because he prob would never forgive you.
He is a massive arsehole and you deserve so much more. Get rid, get a new life, enjoy your freedom, let him have his little work mate if he misses her so much. Sorry you're going though it.

FishandChipsarelife · 02/03/2023 12:05

Whats happened in the past 2 months that mean he is no longer attracted to her sexually?

I cant believe he values her friendship more than what it would do to you

creamwitheverything · 02/03/2023 12:05

I think your husbands intentions are really clear, he is telling you and showing you she is No1 and you are no2. I am so sorry thats a terrible thing to read but it is true. Nothing he says has pointed to how much work he is going to put into your marriage, He wants his cake and eat it too,Now I am not adverse to him having a mistress if your marrige is open but clearly this is not the case. Please do not let him hurt you further whilst he plays the victim.I can assure you he will feel he is the victim by you cutting off his options with this woman, its some kind of warped belief he has. You deserve so much more OP. You will never have eace of mind ever with him. I would in your position gather my things, I would say nothing and I would quietly go. I wouldnt even tell him. Only then will he realise but again only then will you feel free an dbe able to breathe again. You will win here my darling in every way possible. Freedom, a fresh start and peace wait for you, go grasp those things,it will be the best gift you can ever give yourself.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2023 12:05

Madamecastafiore · 02/03/2023 12:02

He ceases contact immediately or your relationship is finished. If he's not willing to do that, and it is a completely reasonable thing to ask of him then you start divorcé proceedings and he can go out with her and be as friendly as he likes. He doesn't get to do both.

To be fair, the relationship's finished anyway.

You can't stay with someone who treats you with such contempt

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/03/2023 12:06

Well I know one thing that's not right in a marriage or in any relationship him wanting "friendly drinks" with a women he once had an affair with.
He thinks there'd be some drama if you met ...Well no shit Sherlock...
He misses her friendship, well. Tell him to fuck off with her seeing as they clearly get out so well and wonderful together. She won't be in for a happy ride though after all if has cheated on his wife with who he made his marriage vows he'll have zero qualms cheating on her

kateandme · 02/03/2023 12:06

Leave leave fucking leave
You shouldn't need to give an ultimatums to choose his wife over his mistress
You should be having uour feet kissed 2 months after he last did yhis!
You shouldn't have stayed.sorry.he was doingvthis against you making a mockery of you for a year.
Pretending you didn't exist as a partner anymore.
Ugh
You deserve so much more than that.
Yuk.fucking walker.
He does not deserve your time tears or forgiveness.
He doesn't deserve your future.
He's doesn't deserve your heads pace when you've left,healed and realised how shockingly he treated you and what a mess he caused if your mentality

Redsquirrel5 · 02/03/2023 12:06

My friend hired a Private detective. Said it was the best money she ever spent. If you really want to know. He took photos too so there was no getting out of it for her D? H.
Get a solicitor and find out what you are entitled too. You should have half the house. So sorry he has done this but it is unlikely they will stay friends. I would give him the ultimatum - he sees her or you. 2 months is no time at all. Tough if he misses their friendship. I suspect they haven't finished it.

Nudity · 02/03/2023 12:07

Kick him out.

Clovacloud · 02/03/2023 12:08

This is my very first LTB. It sounds like he doesn’t give a shit about you, and is pursuing her again. I am so very sorry he’s treating you like this. You’re only 35, you have the rest of your life in front of you, do you really want to spend the next 40 years of your life wondering where he is all the time? No one is worth this amount of pain and mind fuckery Flowers

You’ve been together a long time and you’re married, so you might get a fair share of the house. Get yourself a good solicitor, and get some advice. Your life will be so much better without him.

OrigamiOwls · 02/03/2023 12:10

He's not so much as overstepping the boundaries, but stamping on them as he runs off into the distance.

He has made his choice OP, you're bottom of the pile, your feelings don't matter. I'd make a fresh start without him if I were you.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 02/03/2023 12:11

Definitely see a solicitor. Look after yourself. The sooner you are shut of this loser of epic proportions the better. You've been through enough. No more.

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2023 12:14

Ha has zero respect for you or love. If he really wanted the marriage he would have cut contact and looked for another job.

callmeblondee · 02/03/2023 12:14

FishandChipsarelife · 02/03/2023 12:05

Whats happened in the past 2 months that mean he is no longer attracted to her sexually?

I cant believe he values her friendship more than what it would do to you

I reckon I know whats happened, nothing! He is just a liar and wants to continue to fcuk her and keep his marriage. If i was the OP I would then say lets open our marriage, I really would love to fukc other people and hang out with them, see what happens then. I can bet that would go down like a bag of sick. The marriage is totally dead, he killed it. He wants his cake and eat it, the audacity of it.

Buildingthefuture · 02/03/2023 12:15

To be clear op, I do not think he is not making a fool of you. You have absolutely no shame to carry. None. He is however making a fool of himself. He is showing himself to be a selfish wanker, entirely devoid of empathy or understanding. What is he bringing to your table, except anxiety and unhappiness? This fucker needs to go straight in the bin. No conversation, no reasoning, see a solicitor, grey rock him and get out of this awful situation. I am sorry, he is vile.

Kittlbua · 02/03/2023 12:15

it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore
Exactly. He's manipulating you and deliberately bringing you down so that you have no self-esteem. When your self-esteem is rock bottom you feel like no one else would want you, or that you somehow deserve this treatment because you didn't do x,y or z, or that you are lucky to have this partner at all. That means they can get away with all manner of unacceptable behaviour because you lose all perspective on what is and isn't appropriate.
You should get rid of him asap before your self-esteem gets any worse because it's so difficult to think clearly and to have healthy boundaries in place.

This piece of shit will be having a physical affair with her in no time at all. It's already heading that way. If he really loved and respected you and was genuinely sorry for what happened there is no way he would be meeting her because he'd want to avoid any possible temptation, or avoid her misunderstanding his motives etc.

callmeblondee · 02/03/2023 12:15

And to add, I would absolutely rinse him for everything I could get. I dont usually say that sort of thing but this guy is a major dickhead.