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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from family holiday

194 replies

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:22

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
RattlewhenIwalk · 02/03/2023 09:25

A lucky escape really. Although, I do understand why you're hurt.

BabychamGlass · 02/03/2023 09:26

I can understand why it stings, but it sounds like it's probably for the best!

DramaLlama20 · 02/03/2023 09:27

So what was your reply? Surely 'why haven't we been invited?' Followed by a conversation about why they're 'punishing' you for not being able to go last time due to having a baby. I hope you had a strongly worded reply. In all honesty they all sound awful and batshit and I'd go low contact.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 02/03/2023 09:27

Yep, a lucky escape imo, who has time for all that drama!!

Ihatethenewlook · 02/03/2023 09:28

I think you were being unreasonable last year. You were having a baby so had to miss a year. That’s just life. I wouldn’t have expected multiple other people to have to change their plans at my convenience. Going on holiday heavily pregnant or with a newborn would have been a nightmare for both you and them.
I’m not sure why you are being excluded this year though. Who is it that told you you couldn’t go? Have you all been speaking to each other ok since you’ve had the baby?

Bells3032 · 02/03/2023 09:28

Jesus your family dynamic is screwed up. Your not allowed to mention your pregnancy cos your sibling is trying to conceive? that's redic in itself (and I am speaking as someone who dealt with infertility myself).

Then they book a holiday for two days after your due date and are upset with you for not coming. Based on your post you have nieces and/or nephews so surely at least one of your other siblings understand

And then finally they book without you altogether

Has your brother always been the favourite child? Cos it sounds like he and SIL are calling the shots. I don't think your being unreasonable at all to be upset. They sound nasty.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/03/2023 09:29

Well YANBU to feel upset, but at the same time it all sounds like a gigantic pain in the arse, so I would let relief wipe out the upset, and plan a normal holiday far from all the ridiculous behaviour.

Poscapen · 02/03/2023 09:29

Sounds good to me! Get some independence from this toxic dynamic and book your own holiday as a family. You were treated like shit last time, I'm surprised you didn't opt out of future holidays yourself.

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2023 09:29

They actually said "we've booked a holiday but you're not invited"?

That's brutal. Anyone would be upset at that

Original poster
Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:30

Ihatethenewlook · 02/03/2023 09:28

I think you were being unreasonable last year. You were having a baby so had to miss a year. That’s just life. I wouldn’t have expected multiple other people to have to change their plans at my convenience. Going on holiday heavily pregnant or with a newborn would have been a nightmare for both you and them.
I’m not sure why you are being excluded this year though. Who is it that told you you couldn’t go? Have you all been speaking to each other ok since you’ve had the baby?

Either my OP was unclear or you’ve misread it. I didn’t ask them to change anything, I said I couldn’t go and they kept demanding I go. When DH put his foot down and said we weren’t going, they ignored me for months and then all said they never wanted to go in the first place.

OP posts:
Couchpotato3 · 02/03/2023 09:30

Just book your own holiday with your child(ren) and then you can go when you want, do what suits you etc. A holiday with your entire family would probably be massively stressful, if they're getting this worked up about arrangements before they've even got there. Imagine the fussing over mealtimes, which outings to go on, who's turn it is to babysit etc etc etc. You're well off out of it!!

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 02/03/2023 09:31

I think I’d rather not go on the holiday to be honest. But YANBU to be upset. Pretty shitty of them. Have you asked why? I’d call your mum.

Poscapen · 02/03/2023 09:31

Ihatethenewlook · 02/03/2023 09:28

I think you were being unreasonable last year. You were having a baby so had to miss a year. That’s just life. I wouldn’t have expected multiple other people to have to change their plans at my convenience. Going on holiday heavily pregnant or with a newborn would have been a nightmare for both you and them.
I’m not sure why you are being excluded this year though. Who is it that told you you couldn’t go? Have you all been speaking to each other ok since you’ve had the baby?

Did you actually read what Op posted? The family made life very difficult for them, even though they kept saying the suggestions wouldn't work. Finally her DH messaged and said they wouldn't be going and why.

Mayonaiseislife · 02/03/2023 09:31

I mean, why would you want to go..

Whataretheodds · 02/03/2023 09:32

What are they like with you the rest of the time before last year's holdiay/since?

Original poster
Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:32

Bells3032 · 02/03/2023 09:28

Jesus your family dynamic is screwed up. Your not allowed to mention your pregnancy cos your sibling is trying to conceive? that's redic in itself (and I am speaking as someone who dealt with infertility myself).

Then they book a holiday for two days after your due date and are upset with you for not coming. Based on your post you have nieces and/or nephews so surely at least one of your other siblings understand

And then finally they book without you altogether

Has your brother always been the favourite child? Cos it sounds like he and SIL are calling the shots. I don't think your being unreasonable at all to be upset. They sound nasty.

Brothers are the favourites. DM and DSis have a lot of tension. DBro and SIL who were TTC don’t actually know that I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 02/03/2023 09:34

Who booked it?

Who decided you're uninvited?

I remember your thread. They all sound horrible anyway. Agree with others. Lucky escape.

nutbrownhare15 · 02/03/2023 09:36

Would phoning your mum help? Was she not talking to you in those months either? I suppose one question is what kind of relationship do you want with them going forward. I would be very tempted to ask in the family chat why you haven't been invited. However would you actually want to go on holiday with them all?

Bells3032 · 02/03/2023 09:38

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:32

Brothers are the favourites. DM and DSis have a lot of tension. DBro and SIL who were TTC don’t actually know that I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy.

Show quote history

So who asked you not to mention the pregnancy? What a weird thing to ask on someone else's behalf?

Original poster
Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:38

I don’t know to either of those unfortunately.

OP posts:
Inertia · 02/03/2023 09:42

It all sounds like more hassle than it’s worth. Even if you did go you’d probably find yourself scapegoated for some drama.

I would book your own holiday TBH, and keep all of them at arm’s length a little bit.

Original poster
Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:43

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:38

I don’t know to either of those unfortunately.

Sorry, this was an answer to who booked it and who decided I’m not invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:44

Bells3032 · 02/03/2023 09:38

So who asked you not to mention the pregnancy? What a weird thing to ask on someone else's behalf?

Show quote history

DSis said I couldn’t mention the pregnancy.

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 02/03/2023 09:44

Being forbidden by a third party to mention your pregnancy to someone else is weird.

It doesn't sound like group holidays really work for your family, does it? I could understand going on holiday en masse if everyone was best of buddies and got on swimmingly with the ability to communicate clearly and pleasantly, but that doesn't sound the case here.

So I would just be booking my own holidays with my nuclear family and forget about trying to fit in with others' plans. Stick to visiting them, or days out or weekends away at a push.

Gazelda · 02/03/2023 09:45

I think you'll have a much happier holiday separately from them.

But I wouldn't be able to stop myself from commenting on the exclusion - "any particular reason why we've not been invited?"

I know that would be passively aggressively childish, but it'd be important to me that they know they've behaved poorly and perhaps think twice before cutting you out of future family events.