Uninvited from family holiday

[Hollibobbs]

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

Ok to be more clear - who has told you it's booked and you're not invited? Your mum?

Your family are horrible and its not your fault. Sorry to read what you've gone through.
I listened to a podcast yesterday by the fantastic psychotherapists Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna.
It's entitled "Why do my sisters leave me out?", and whilst the situation is not the same as yours, there are a lot of similarities.
podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538
If you get a chance to listen I think you could find it very helpful.

Sadly though, there is no fixing these behaviours unless both "sides" recognise there's an issue and care enough about the other people affected to do the work in repairing the relationship. In my own case my "mother" preferred losing her only daughter to even having one session with a counsellor.

You don't know who decided but who told you you aren't and did they actually say "we're going on holiday and you're not invited"?

I think I remember your thread last year and if it is that one you should celebrate not having to deal with all that shit!

What positive things do they bring to your life because it seems all drama and gossip and time that could be better spent just enjoying your own little family.

Yes I did ‘actually’ read what the op posted. I think it can be taken a couple of different ways, and I took it the wrong one. When she said she couldn’t make those dates, she said they ignored her and ‘the discussion continued without my consent’. I read it as she wanted them to change the dates but they didn’t want to, and continued to make plans for the original date which was fair imo. I thought it was unreasonable that the op expected them to seek her consent go ahead? I thought their (obviously unreasonable) suggestions of how she could still attend was them giving her excuses to fob her off so they could still go. I now understand they did actually want her to attend and are now punishing her for not going.

Sounds like it would be a nightmare holiday anyway. I’d be keeping well clear of the lot of them.

Phoning DM wouldn’t help. She was speaking to me but she wasn’t happy with me.

Oh man are you back? Your family is really horrid to you. You love your mum but to us she sounded like a spiteful drama llama.

It's sad that your family are selfish and toxic. Get some nice counselling or therapy and talk it through with a professional.

What does your DH say? I seem to recall he has the measure of them.

Enjoy your little family, they are the important ones. You wider family are trying to spoil your life with their drama. Don't let them.

I understand why you are hurt. I'm never invited to a family ladies weekend away thing because I couldn't make the first couple of years. Apparently if I go now it would change the routine and dynamics. To be honest I wouldn't enjoy it as I know one member will spend the weekend being PA, but being given the option to decline would be nice!

So which one of the family members told you that you aren't invited?

I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday

So is this a different holiday? Did the first holiday happen?

How much have you had to do with your delightful family since you had the baby?

OP why are you so passive? You’ve allowed them to treat you so poorly, have you not questioned them or fought back at all?

Tell your family how you feel and how much you respected those TTC by not mentioning your pregnancy. I’d say to go on holiday with your close family.

This!

Have you called them out on this? Asked why you weren't invited?

YANBU to be upset, but the whole thing (incl not being allowed to talk about your pregnancy) sounds like a huge dysfunctional mess and, as upsetting as it might be, I'd be distancing myself from them all.

Be thankful you aren't invited. Go somewhere lovely with your husband and baby and have a fab time.

I would message the group chat and say that while you are hurt that you are not invited, you’re actually relieved to avoid the toxic family politics. Then in point form explain..

1. DS banned everyone from mentioning your pregnancy to avoid upsetting DB & SIL
2. You didn’t want to go away while heavily PG or with a newborn and then everyone else insisted on changing plans and causing you and themselves stress.
3. If everyone could simply communicate like adults instead of gate-keeping information and making unilateral decisions based on assumptions about people’s feelings, then all this shit would be avoided.
4. This entire family is populated by drama llamas.

No idea why you haven't said we can come this year ?

Family holidays are shite go by yourselves

I’d be sighing the biggest sighs of relief at getting away from the Walton Holiday dynamic.
Theres no way I’d go on holiday again with them ever again after the way they treated you.

Told not to mention the pregnancy...
Expected to go two days after the due date…
Suggestions of you asking for an ELC to suit their plans…
No consideration of how an ELC would affect you, it’s major surgery for fucks sake.
Then ignoring you for months after your DH put his foot down and advocated for you and your then unborn child and told them you weren’t going.
Book your own holiday and enjoy every minute.

Do you always do what your sister tells you to rather than, say, telling her you will mention what you damn well please and if she does not want to listen, she needn't?

YANBU to feel upset, but I think you’ve dodged a bullet. Going forward, just have holidays with your DH and DC.

I don't understand why you can't just tell them you're joining them if you all have a good relationship? In my family we would just ask directly to come along

They all sound bonkers!

Your family are treating you badly. Do you want to risk your child getting the same treatment?
They know exactly what they're doing by excluding you and it sounds like you're being punished for doing what was best for your baby.

You know if your sibling does have a baby they'll be falling over themselves to accommodate and your child won't get a look in.

Have you considered going low or no contact? How are your inlaws? Maybe you should focus on maintaining relationships with them if they are good to you and your child.

You don't need this drama and upset in your life. Focus your energy on your baby and spouse.