Uninvited from family holiday

[Hollibobbs]

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

Be an adult, pull them all up & talk the situation out.

You must really struggle on this site if a post of that length exhausted you. To actually take time to post that you have well below average reading endurance and then try to blame that on the OP is bizarre. It’s really not a long post, even if it were, OP isn’t unreasonable for not sticking to your, personal, unpublished word limits.

8 pages of wasted effort

The OP won’t do anything
This family will stagger along, a myriad of tensions and resentments

The Op will start another thread. She will be advised to do XYZ. She will do nothing

Rinse and repeat

You need a coffee and a sit down @DinnerThyme !

8 pages of wasted effort
The OP won’t do anything
This family will stagger along, a myriad of tensions and resentments
The Op will start another thread. She will be advised to do XYZ. She will do nothing

You do realise there are no rules about doing what the MN collective suggests don't you @Vegrocks ?

It's so easy for us for come up with action plans to solve another person's problems but life, people, families aren't that simple. If Hollibobbs is getting one iota for support from this thread than MN has served it's purpose.

Snide, dismissive comments are not the way to win friends and influence people.

@DPotter

You do realise there are no rules about doing what the MN collective suggests don't you @Vegrocks ?

thank you oh wise one. Thank you

😂

@Vegrocks

Happy to have helped

Why are you trying to lay into a poster for calling out someone who left a pointless and extremely unhelpful message for the sake of it?

She was happy she helped according to her last post! So don’t worry, all is well 😂

You are absolutely right to feel hurt.
Sometimes we have this vision of
of what relationships should be like and that we are missing out on family memories.
The reality is if there is a toxic family dynamic the holiday is awful and you come back feeling awful.

Last year we all went on a family holiday with my in laws. They like to show the world we are one big happy family, reality is the dynamic is toxic. We had a terrible time as my husbands siblings would make plans amongst themselves and not include us or our children. It felt very hurtful and unnecessary. When we raised it we were accused of causing trouble and misunderstanding things. My husband found this really distressing but they alway dismiss him and never validate his feelings.

I will never go on holiday with them again, they treat their son and brother like shit, and I’ve been saying it for years. I felt guilt tripped to go for my childrens sake as I felt like they would miss out on time with their cousins . Honestly now I would rather keep my children away from all of that.

I was so relieved to be back home after the holiday. So yes you are valid to feel hurt but it’s actual a massive blessing in disguise!

That was a different poster, not me. Your levels of comprehension are truly staggeringly low.

You can't break a lifetime's conditioning and an enmeshed family dynamic overnight.

These things are far more complex than hearing and taking advice, even when you know deep down what you have to do. Giving up the hope that the family you deserve is never going to the family you actually have is incredibly painful. It's akin to a form of bereavement in its way. People tend to avoid what's hurtful for them, even if these people are a destructive force in their lives, as the family have already exerted control and the more entrenched it is, the harder it is to break. But the relinquishing of hope is a necessary phase that has to be gone through if they want to be liberated from this yoke, and find any form of peace in their lives.

People can only reach this stage in their own time. Contrary to what's frequently said on this site and others, NC is rarely a first resort and it's painful for all concerned. It's not a thing people have a tendency to do lightly.

OP - if you are still here - keep posting and people with any empathy will keep supporting you. You may not get there overnight, and will need to make your own decisions in your own time. I really hope this won't come at the eventual cost of your marriage. Your kind, caring husband is worth more than your soul-sucking, vampiric, controlling relatives. But I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know

Vegrocks ·
She was happy she helped according to her last post! So don’t worry, all is well 😂
Show quote history
That was a different poster, not me. Your levels of comprehension are truly staggeringly low.

believe @vegrocks was referring to me. And my tongue was very firmly in my cheek.

Gosh! Coffee time!

Go eat a burger and you might be less of a…

A burger… not for me. But appreciate the thought nonetheless 🙏

It’s funny how certain users get certain reputations… you’d think, with so many people on here, that it’d be difficult to recognise which posters make a useful contribution and which ones are consistently finding themselves a few apples short of a bushel… but, alas, here we are again.

Life must be serious in your household, glum even.

I'd be tempted to sort of cut ties. They sound mean. You don't need mean. Go on holiday with your meaningful family, always. Family holidays fill me with horror.