Uninvited from family holiday

[Hollibobbs]

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

I’d be hurt too, OP. YANBU. I remember your previous thread. It sounded like you weren’t getting enough out of your relationship with them then and it sounds like that’s still true.

What do you want going forward? It seems unlikely last year’s debacle came out of nowhere. Do you want to try and go back to the dynamic you had before, however un-ideal it was? (In which case asking whoever seems closest to you why you weren’t invited and making all the right “sorry” noises to all the right people might smooth things over).

Or has this really just opened your eyes to what a miserable dynamic it was for you? In which case, probably, booking your own holiday and taking the route of a-life-well-lived-is-the-best-revenge is probably a better tack. Be open if they want to connect but don’t expect anything from them, and don’t offer anything you aren’t more than happy to lose. It’s hard to disconnect from close family. But long term, it’s probably better than always being the scapegoat.

YAANBU

"Lucky escape" springs to mind. They ALL sound awful. Life's too short

ELCS to time in with a holiday???!!!🤣🤣🤣 As if!! Here, let me just go through major surgery, and end my pregnancy early with absolutely no medical reason or benefit to baby just to time in with a holiday. And then let me drag my post surgery ass along with my newborn baby on a 6 hour road trip to get to said holiday where my precious first weeks with my baby will have to be shared with a massive rabble of family. Hell no!!

And then to exclude you this year in some sort of revenge?The whole thing is ridiculous, you’re not in any way TAH but the entire rest of your family are.

OP, it is past time to take a step back from your extended family and focus solely on your nuclear family. I understand the hurt you feel from their exclusion of you. My DH, DC and I are excluded from celebrations, vacations, etc… by both my maternal and paternal families. They post all over social media about the fun family get togethers and how great it is when the entire family can be together, but I’m never invited to any of them. I’ve unfollowed them all on SM so I no longer see these posts.

I’ve never been included on my paternal side. My parents divorced when I was a toddlers and my mom, sibling and I moved close to her parents. Even though I spent most of my summer holidays with my dad’s family, they always arranged their trips when I wouldn’t be there. They would go to the beach, amusement parks, swim with dolphins, etc… and my cousins would brag about the trips that happened just before my arrival. I even moved to their area for university and was still not invited on their vacations.

On my maternal side, I was included, and eventually took over planning, while my grandparents were living. I was very close to my grandparents. My grandmother was my matron of honor when I married and my grandfather gave me away. I’m a nurse and quit working to provide their care at the ends of their lives. Everyone asked me to plan things and talked about how much they enjoyed what I planned.

Everything seemed great, until my grandparents passed. They started excluding me from get togethers and vacations. Some started to ignore and ghost me. Others became outright hostile to me. Without going into details, I now know why and it wasn’t because I did anything wrong.

It hurts and it took me a while to come to terms with everything, and there are still things I’m upset and resentful about. I took the energy I was using to plan everything for them and the energy I was using to try and fix things with them and put it into my nuclear family and friends. We focus on making great memories with our children. I’m sad that my children don’t have extended family, but we have each other and fantastic friends that we enjoy. Our holidays are fantastic and full of great memories.

Have you asked why you're not invited? I would want a clear explanation and my feelings about it heard.

I thinks it’s extremely hurtful.
There seems much more to it though - why can’t you ask openly why this hurtful decision has been made?

what drama llamas. I wouldn’t want to go tbh.

Your family are awful, including your mother and you are wasting years expecting otherwise.

Get counselling to help you disengage.

You are a mother now, you need to detach from the constant drama of these awful people.

You cannot change them.

Stop wasting your life thinking you can.

Wishing you well.

I would make it clear to everyone how hurtful it is, that you don’t understand why the decision has been made and you will make your own holiday arrangements going forward.

Is it maybe that the TTC couple can’t now bear to be around babies?

I would be going low contact

Congrats on your baby.

Yes after the way they behaved and their lack of consideration for you when you were poorly - this was entirely predictable.
They enjoy punishing people don't they. Do what I say or get the cold shoulder.

It is hurtful and its natural you should be upset but the fact that you are not included this year is actually a good thing in the long term. It means you don't have to have this argument with or pressure from them again in the future. Job Done. I suspect it would have been a not very nice holiday anyway.

You and DH and baby are your own little unit. Have a lovely holiday together and make more time for supportive people in your life and less time for these relatives who treat you badly.

Who informed you that they booked the holiday and you aren't invited? What exactly did they say, did you ask why?

Fuck em.

You are not being unreasonable and I totally understand why you feel the way you do. We lost one of our parents quite young a number of years ago and I would have thought that would have put how important family is into perspective for me and my sibling. However my sibling is selfish and just cares about himself and his family unless he wants to use me for something. There is so much more to the story but not worth going into detail here. It’s hard but I have had to distance myself because I’m sick of feeling hurt and not good enough.

They sound incredibly narcissistic, like my Mother who I've been N/c with for over 20 years now because she used to pull shit like this.

They want you to ask. So don't. Book your own holiday, on your terms. Let them go away together. Rise above.

My mum and sister went for a meal the other day and before anything else my first response was... Where was my invite?! Can't imagine my response if the whole family went on holiday and failed to mention it. Why have you not asked?

Jesus, you poor thing. Your family are spiteful and fucked up, and you are being scapegoated for what???

For having a baby, for not wanting to travel two days after your due date, for not having an ELCS to convenience them and for saying “you guys go ahead, we’ll sit this one out).

Fuck them. All of them. They’re really screwed up.

I’m pissed off for you!!
I struggled with fertility for 11 years!!…. I’d have been heartbroken if any of my siblings had kept their pregnancy from me…
i cant believe anyone would book a holiday for the same month as your due date let alone 2 days after it!!! I also can’t believe they then refused to talk to you or were offish because you didn’t go on a holiday so close to your due date!! Then to exclude you from this years holiday … they’re just nasty!
I would outright ask them why you aren’t invited … depending on their response I think I’d back away from them…. Surround yourself with friends in place of them…. They sound like arse holes!!
Make friends with other couples with children and have fun with them, nothing will annoy your family more than seeing you getting on and being happy without the need of their approval!!
I also think you and husband should book a lovely holiday for yourselves and your DC & sod the others!! Book a holiday each year and don’t concern yourself with their holidays that non of them even want to go on but feel obliged to!!…. They’ll be jealous of your freedom of being able to please yourself with destination and dates x
Good luck.

@Hollibobbs has your dh been on here asking for advice to help you because you’re so enmeshed with your toxic family? I’m so sorry but you really need support, they’re just awful

Have I got this right? Your brother suggested you have a caesarian so you got the birth out of the way to suit his timing for a holiday? And then you should get up and trot along, stitches and all, to fit in with what he wanted?

You need to get counselling . Your poor DH and your child having to deal with your nightmare family and you still seeking some form of validation from them despite there toxic behaviour . It is time to put your child and husband first and go LC with these toxic people. You haven’t been ‘univited’ you haven’t been invited . This is your punishment for daring to set boundaries when they made ridiculous demands at a time they should have been supporting you. I should add as a partner to someone who was like you is exhausting and the drama that it brings is toxic to the kids too.

Have you been on a group family holiday since you were adults?

Reading you posts makes me think you have had a lucky escape not being invited

Lucky escape!

Holidays should not cause tension. If I were you I'd opt out forever.

You are being unreasonable writing such a long post. I gave up.

Pallisers has it right, bigbird50 too. Don't respond. Don't give them openings for any more drama, don't let them suck you in again. Get a therapist who will support you to detach from them, help you see what they do, and show you a different way of being in your own family.
I think this sort of toxic family can be as difficult as an abusive partner to get free from. It feels cold to face the world without that warm stew around you, even if it's a shit-stew. They've given you a cold shower so you're cleansed from them. Don't step back into it - look at it and feel disgusted by them. Get angry instead of being hurt. Weave a warm, clean blanket instead, out of your little family plus kind, well-chosen friends, as Ivymom has done so amazingly. Appreciate how loving, kind and supportive DH is. What does he need? What is his family like?