Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from family holiday

194 replies

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:22

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 02/03/2023 13:08

You were 'not allowed' to mention your pregnancy because someone else in the family was 'trying to conceive.' Confused That would have finished me. I would have just given them a wide berth from then on. How dare someone tell me I can't talk about my baby? Hmm

As pps have said, you are better than them, and have dodged a bullet. Fuck 'em. They sound awful.

Bchagall · 02/03/2023 13:08

I'm a bit confused. When you said that you couldn't go overseas to the usual location last year did they then change the holiday to a UK location so that you would be able to go? And then you said you weren't going anyway?

If that's the case and they missed out on going where they wanted last year to accommodate you but then you didn't go then I can see why they are upset. The whole family sounds toxic.

Apologies if I've misunderstood what happened. I don't remember your previous thread.

strawberry2017 · 02/03/2023 13:10

This is good news, it means you don't have to deal with their bullshit.
See it as a blessing!

RosaBonheur · 02/03/2023 13:10

Bchagall · 02/03/2023 13:08

I'm a bit confused. When you said that you couldn't go overseas to the usual location last year did they then change the holiday to a UK location so that you would be able to go? And then you said you weren't going anyway?

If that's the case and they missed out on going where they wanted last year to accommodate you but then you didn't go then I can see why they are upset. The whole family sounds toxic.

Apologies if I've misunderstood what happened. I don't remember your previous thread.

How is booking a holiday - in any location - two days after her due date "accommodating her"?

Griefgood · 02/03/2023 13:11

I'd step right back, but I understand it hurts. L

MeridianB · 02/03/2023 13:13

The biggest mystery here is why you would want to go on holiday with a group of people who treat you so badly.

I would cultivate the relationships you value, holiday when and where you choose, leave the rest to get on with their toxic agendas, and be relieved that you are spared all the drama and poison.

Bchagall · 02/03/2023 13:14

@RosaBonheur you're right. I should have said that they thought they were accommodating her by moving it to the UK but the date was a ridiculous choice.

SkippyKangeroo · 02/03/2023 13:20

MeridianB · 02/03/2023 13:13

The biggest mystery here is why you would want to go on holiday with a group of people who treat you so badly.

I would cultivate the relationships you value, holiday when and where you choose, leave the rest to get on with their toxic agendas, and be relieved that you are spared all the drama and poison.

Exactly

Why do you all go on holiday together anyway?

Bullet dodged, and hopefully you can avoid the whole flipping pantomime in future and just have a nice holiday with your partner and little one.

Strawberrydelight78 · 02/03/2023 13:21

I'd say fuck em book a holiday for your little family be much less stressful.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 02/03/2023 13:21

You’ve been told on all the multiple threads you have had that your family are batshit and that you need to have an open and honest conversation to tell them that you were banned from mentioning the pregnancy etc and it’s all weird.
But you keep ignoring that advice so I’m not sure why you keep posting. Its insane and weird - either be honest or cut them out.

Conkersinautumn · 02/03/2023 13:28

Take this as.a chance to build.upbthat boundary. As a result of the attitude towards you they've put themself 'outside' your zone of trust/ confidence. You need to respond accordingly going forwards. They've shown you their priorities, do not waste your effort trying to win them over. Focus on your DH, your children and those who ARE supportive. If you don't give them the trust they cannot cause this pain again.

Mammajay · 02/03/2023 13:37

I would prefer not to be invited.. imo your dm should be ashamed of herself

Monkey2001 · 02/03/2023 13:47

Why do you want to go on holiday with them with all that background? Does not sound relaxing!

Sugargliderwombat · 02/03/2023 14:09

I'd actually leave the group chat as they must have a separate one. I'd tell them why aswell.

Naunet · 02/03/2023 14:13

I get how hurtful it is OP. My mum pays for my sister and brother to go on holiday with her every year. She also often invites my other brother, although I don’t know if she pays for him and his family too. I’ve never had an invite, and then she wonders why I’m not close to her 🙄

UnattendedPotato · 02/03/2023 14:22

I remember both yours and DH's threads. You are well off out of it! Not only would I never holiday with these people I would go very low contact with them. Your prenatal health was in dire straits and they ignored that & emotionally abuse you still!! Glad you have a lovely baby now (and DH really stands up for you) but maybe get some therapy to help you realise how awful your family of origin really are. It's a really toxic dynamic but you don't have to play their games.

Minikievs · 02/03/2023 14:23

Did they tell you this in the group chat? Surely the answer is immediately "Why aren't we invited?"

marinabillings · 02/03/2023 14:30

Screw them! Hope your okay :)

Serenity45 · 02/03/2023 14:48

I remember your previous posts. Not sure what to say other than your family are arseholes and it sounds like you've been toeing the line / playing nice for far too long. Not helpful advice I appreciate but YANBU

Kennykenkencat · 02/03/2023 15:13

I think Hollibobbs you have to ask yourself why you keep chasing after people who don’t want you there.

You have your own family. (Your Dh and dc if you need reminding) Maybe give them the time you spend on trying to chase after people who are running away from you.

Book your own holiday and grey rock your extended family

If they see you don’t need them then they maybe more interested in you.
But the more you chase. The quicker they will run.
Think about as soon as you said you weren’t going on holiday with them last year they were chasing you to come with them.

Do your own thing.
I don’t think it should have come as a huge surprise given their previous shenanigans that they were going to go on holiday without inviting you. I would say they are very predictable.

ilikepinknblue · 02/03/2023 16:47

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:44

DSis said I couldn’t mention the pregnancy.

Show quote history

Are you from Indian subcontinent by any chance? I am asking as I am from there and have seen such family dynamics - female children scapegoated for male, being close knit, and expecting conformity from adult children. So your pregnancy was not celebrated keeping in mind your brother's feelings? What about yours?

I agree, you should ask on group chat why you are not invited and then go low contact.

ilikepinknblue · 02/03/2023 16:58

Fraaahnces · 02/03/2023 10:11

I would message the group chat and say that while you are hurt that you are not invited, you’re actually relieved to avoid the toxic family politics. Then in point form explain..

  1. DS banned everyone from mentioning your pregnancy to avoid upsetting DB & SIL
  2. You didn’t want to go away while heavily PG or with a newborn and then everyone else insisted on changing plans and causing you and themselves stress.
  3. If everyone could simply communicate like adults instead of gate-keeping information and making unilateral decisions based on assumptions about people’s feelings, then all this shit would be avoided.
  4. This entire family is populated by drama llamas.

This is a good response, OP.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/03/2023 17:04

ilikepinknblue · 02/03/2023 16:58

This is a good response, OP.

Show quote history

In fairness this is a good response.

However, if the family are like drama llamas, sending something like that (which would be brilliant for the OP to do) would be like taking a pin out of a grenade, chucking it into the family WhatsApp group and running like hell to get away from the fall out 😆😆😆💥💥☠

Pallisers · 02/03/2023 18:37

Of course you are hurt OP. That sucks.

But I think you dodged a bullet. If they are this much trouble organising a holiday, what will they all be like on the holiday.

I wouldn't even respond to the slight. If they mention it, text or say "hope you have a great time" Don't feed the drama (and anyone who insists you can't mention your pregancy loves the drama)

Book your own holiday. Is there any reason you and your dh and baby can't go back to your childhood place on your own.

Jimboscott0115 · 02/03/2023 18:44

To be honest OP, I decided you weren't being unreasonable when you mentioned not talking about pregnancy because other people are TTC. I mean what the fuck? It's not some big deal TTC, it's literally coming off birth control - who even announces it as a thing? They're only about the 30 billionth people to have attempted to have children over the years.

That alone convinced me your family are bellends.