Uninvited from family holiday

[Hollibobbs]

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

BTW - I remember your previous thread - I thought they sounded awful then, and I think they sound worse now.

Just enjoy your own holiday.

@Hollibobbs 💐I’m sorry you are going through this.

You can’t reason with unreasonable people. It’s hard to accept that your family are treating you badly and won’t care enough to change, no matter how you explain it to them. It’s hard to let go.

Focus on your Dh and Dc, they are your family unit. Make your own family traditions and holidays. 💖

thb? I'd say "phew, i thought we were going to have all the drama we had last year. Then i would write what you wrote here: that you were told not to mention your pregnancy out of consideration for the TTCers - name them, if you like - and that when everyone kept pushing because you weren't allowed to mention the pregnancy, only then did you give your reasons and they all acted like twats. So have a lovely holiday, send a postcard but otherwise STFU fuckers"

and then see what happens families, eh?

A “family”

not in the sense of a group of related people who love and care and support one another

Instead

a group of related people who don’t like each other very much let alone love each other

🤷‍♀️ why subject your children to this kind of example of a family op?

Let DM and DB all go. DM only appears to want their company so she can have it.
Be happy they can all have perhaps a disaster holiday together, and to boot you won't be able to be the butt end of their plans. They will have to find something else to grumble/organise/ scheme over.

So don't show you are upset in any way. Decide never to holiday with them ever again. And just say you are planning your holiday. Never give any details lest they follow.

I remember your thread. You need to stop doing ridiculous things like hiding your pregnancy because your nasty horrible family say to, and honestly what do they add to your life?
‘pretty shitty of you all to not invite me to the family holiday. I can take a hint, I guess I’m not family anymore.’ Exit the chat. Ignore the calls. Enjoy your lovely husband and baby.
when your mum calls pretending she’s a good person, tell your mum it’s not kind and thoughtful of her to be speaking to you, it is really the bare minimum to not completely cut her least favorite child out of her life, and perhaps it’s better your baby grow up without seeing her mum get ignored by her siblings. Tell her I am so proud of my beautiful baby and when I think of how absolutely nasty everyone else was about my pregnancy, I just want to protect her from all of you. Go away now, enjoy your holiday with all your children who matter to you.’

That was last year's holiday Meandfour. The OP was asking if she's unreasonable to be excluded from this years holiday, which is a separate trip and one where the reason she couldn't previously attend obviously no longer stands.

You posted several threads last year about how badly your family treat you. Why do you still want to go on holiday with them?

YANBU to be upset OP, but my god it sounds like you've dodged a bullet. Would you really want to go away with this miserable, disorganised lot with whom you weren't even allowed to mention your own pregnancy? The entire thing sounds like it would be hell if this is what the planning is like. I can just imagine everyone sitting around the breakfast table each day, all agreeing to do things that no one wants to do, because they all think that everyone else wants to do them. Go on holiday with your DH and DC and enjoy the peace and quiet.

This

I have no idea why you would want to go on holiday with these people, and I can't believe that you were expected to keep your pregnancy secret!!!!

Please, distance yourself. They're not worth it!

YANBU to be upset, but equally, they sound like toxic, exhausting people who live for drama and conflict.

Better to be posting on Mumsnet about not being invited than posting on Mumsnet about how you're having a horrible time on the family holiday because there's been some big bust up.

Tour family sound like a nightmare. Just book for you and DH AND DC to go away somewhere. It will be less stressful.

Totally agree with this.

I remember this from last year. It was ridiculous behaviour on their part. They were demanding that you went even though it was completely unrealistic due to the baby's due date. They stropped around, kept faffing around with dates and all the rest.
Now they've uninvited you this year. That's spiteful but tbh I would have uninvited myself from family holidays after the carry-on last year. The arrival of the new baby is an ideal opportunity to say we are doing things differently from now on - going on our own holiday with the baby. Thereby avoiding all of this ludicrous drama year in and year out.
I totally get why you are upset but try to change your thinking on it. They have now set you free to choose where and when you go on holiday with your DH and baby and you will never have to put up with the nonsense you went through last year again.

To be honest they all sound a bit awful. They've really not shown you any respect around your pregnancy and I'd definitely take it that they've shown who they are and I'd be distancing myself in future. But you sound like you want to have things like they were before. If that's the case can you meet up with the key organisers and talk to them about it. And I'd tell them how they made you feel.

I remember your various threads. Your family are really horrible, please just step away from them for your own sake. You are just torturing yourself at this point trying to have a relationship with them.

YANBU to be upset but you need to understand that they are punishing you by not inviting you. They've been used to you toeing the line and saying "How high?" every time they have said "Jump" in the past and by stepping away from that last year you "broke" the dynamic they have all been used to. They are now trying to force you to beg for forgiveness and to be allowed to come on the holiday so that they can restore their version of normality.

This is your opportunity to take a step back, think about it logically. These people do not take your feelings or needs into account, they force you to hide a significant event in your life and try to bully you into making choices that could be detrimental to your physical and mental health, not to mention the needs of your child.

Let them have their holiday, do not bring it up and if they mention it just say you hope they have a nice time. Don't let them draw you in to conflict around it and maybe think about stepping back a bit more from them in general life - mute the family chats so that you can look at them in your own time and not jump everytime you get a notification, etc.

I can see why it hurts, but it's probably for the best. They all sound bonkers and toxic.

I simply don't understand what your family thinks you've done wrong, but they sound as toxic as all hell. It's extremely shabby not to invite you. What you should do about it depends on what you want. Do you still want to be included in their activities? If so, I'd suggest a family meeting where you all go and thrash it out. If not, cut them the hell out of your life and enjoy your own family.

OP I remember your thread and also you got loads of good advice about focusing on your little family unit rather than trying to please your mother as she doesn't show you the same respect back along with most of your siblings.

Don't get dragged back into the drama!

Oh OP, I remember your previous threads about the holiday and driving around trying to please your family. From memory your DH sounded like he had the measure of them - what does he think?

You had loads of good advice on the old threads and maybe it's time to re-read them, but please stop looking to your family for inclusion and happiness. Book your own holiday with your own family unit and ignore these awful people.

100% this.

Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but are you saying you didn't explain that the reason that you couldn't go on the holiday was because you were pregnant and it was too close to due date?
Or that despite DSis telling you not to mention the pregnancy, you did because you needed to explain the arrangements?
Or is that everyone else except the ones TTC knew you were pregnant, but they were kept in the dark and so didn't know why you were being 'difficult' about dates?
How did you explain the existence of a newborn baby, or don't they know about her yet? Are they upset that you kept the truth from them? And why didn't you tell DS to mind her own business?

I can't imagine anything worse than having to go on holiday with lots of high maintenance individuals every year and trying to keep them all happy. Lucky escape. Have your own lovely holiday where you do anything that you please.