Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from family holiday

194 replies

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:22

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 02/03/2023 10:24

I remember your posts your family is mean and controlling yet you still want to holiday with them?

Why ?

I wouldn’t want to holiday with people who ignore me as I can’t go on holidays two days after my baby was born

Have some self respect OP

Littleflowerseverywhere · 02/03/2023 10:26

Do you understand why they are treating you like this, and why your mother is not happy with you. It makes no sense, you’ve been nothing but wonderful from what you’ve said, but they seem to not want you near.

Ragwort · 02/03/2023 10:28

Why would you even want to go away with them? Book your own holiday.

Laserbird16 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Not wrong to feel hurt as it is hurtful. To be honest I would take that as my cue to give no more fucks. If you did want to twist the knife you could message them 'I'm so relieved, it was so awkward thinking how to tell you we don't want to come, have a lovely time!' immediately book your own nice holiday

bussteward · 02/03/2023 10:37

Sorry, your family wouldn’t let you mention your pregnancy AND suggested you have a c-section so you could go on holiday with them? Why would you WANT to holiday with these people?!

DPotter · 02/03/2023 10:39

Simple question - and I accept you may have to think about the answer - Why do you want to go on holiday with a group of people who want to exclude you, want to control you and information about you ? And be generally nasty to you ? Saying they're family isn't the answer

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/03/2023 10:42

I'm with @Bells3032

Your post skims over a lot but it sounds like your family dynamics are a hot mess.

One practical suggestion i have is to develop individual relationships and communicate directly. (By that i mean rather than your DSis telling you not to talk to your DB about your pregnancy and you going along with it. I'd have met up or called my DB and discussed it directly)
The indirect messaging is a classic game play technique.

Bin off the family holidays...they dont sound healthy

SerafinasGoose · 02/03/2023 10:45

OP, I think I remember your earlier post.

Also, I may be mistaking you for another poster here, but the DH of someone in a very similar situation posted at around the same time. He was at his wits' end over the way his DW's family rode roughshod over her and wanted to know what on earth he could do to help her. If this wasn't you, it's doubtless very much the way your own DH must be feeling in witnessing you suffer as a result of this very toxic family dynamic.

YANBU to be upset. Their treatment of you is so way out as to be bordering on ridiculous. Forbidding a grown adult to talk about her pregnancy and undermining your joy in this way would be sufficient to ensure I never went on holiday with these people again.

This sounds like a very enmeshed, unhealthy family dynamic, and these can be extremely difficult to unpick. But there's no mistaking: your family's having left you out of this year's holiday plans is a gift. It's a gift that also releases you from further unreasonable obligations in the future.

I can't recommend strongly enough that you read Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents. And check out the Stately Homes thread, for people who are in a similar family dynamic to yours.

You do not deserve this, and you don't have to capitulate to it.

I wish you the best Flowers

Mariposista · 02/03/2023 10:46

What a bunch of drama queens. Why would you WANT to spend your precious annual leave in this sort of environment?

Vivi0 · 02/03/2023 10:49

I remember you OP.

You seem to have left out a lot of background here about all the horrible shit your family have put you through. The overwhelming response on your last post was to remove yourself from the situation for the sake of your children, and to concentrate on your own family.

I don’t understand why you would even want to go on this holiday. Nor why you have posted as if this holiday is the issue. It’s not the holiday OP, it’s your family.

Have you considered counselling at all since your last post almost one year ago?

weebarra · 02/03/2023 10:50

I remember this from last year! Congratulations on your baby!
Ignore them and book what you want for your own wee family. They really are horrible.
They have deliberately excluded you which is hurtful, but just don't mention it and do your own thing.
If it does come to light - there's the opportunity to say you're doing something yourselves.

Kennykenkencat · 02/03/2023 10:52

I think I would reply to the post about you not being invited that you now understand where your place is in this family and grey rock the lot of them.
Including your mother who I would think is at the centre of this.

Think about the fact she is quite happily going along with all this.

Vivi0 · 02/03/2023 10:53

Also, I may be mistaking you for another poster here, but the DH of someone in a very similar situation posted at around the same time. He was at his wits' end over the way his DW's family rode roughshod over her and wanted to know what on earth he could do to help her.

It’s the same poster.

I don’t mean to sound rude, but I don’t know what else anyone on here can say to her. She still sounds firmly entrenched in the family drama.

soleilblue · 02/03/2023 10:56

Oh dear me this all sounds so dramatic. Can you just ignore them?

Walkacrossthesand · 02/03/2023 10:59

I remember your thread last year, and that's saying something because I don't remember many!
I'm in the 'lucky escape' camp with regard to you being left out of this summer's holiday - I don't imagine they are actually that much fun for you, with all this dysfunctional stuff playing out. Maybe it's the idea of a 'happy big family holiday' which is appealing, rather than what you know will be the reality.
You're such a small step from setting yourself free, here! You have a lovely husband and DC of your own. Have your own holiday of exactly your choosing, leave the rest of them to it!

BlueLabel · 02/03/2023 11:00

In the kindest way, why are you subjecting yourself, your husband and your child to this shit show? Yanbu to be upset but you are being unreasonable to continue to engage with them when it's clear this dynamic is rotten at its core.

From this and the comments about your last thread it sounds as though you could benefit from counselling and working on boundaries. Hope you manage to walk away sooner rather than later.

FishandChipsarelife · 02/03/2023 11:02

I remember your thread from last year, you werent being unreasonable they were. Let them get on with it and enjoy being the hell away from them.

NevieSticks · 02/03/2023 11:04

Do you want to go on this holiday?
Or do you just want to be invited so you can decline?

ACynicalDad · 02/03/2023 11:05

As you write it YANBU, Have you got any allies in the family?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/03/2023 11:06

Stupid question but why do you actually want to go on holiday with any of these people? They sound horrible!

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 02/03/2023 11:07

Do you want your child to grow up watching you be treated badly, OP? Because unless something changes, that is going to be the reality. And you are being treated badly, there is no doubt (sorry to say).

Theunamedcat · 02/03/2023 11:08

OK,

Take steps away from them BIG ONES ignore the fact that they have booked a holiday without you if they push for a reaction just tell them to "have fun" go somewhere with your husband make lots of drama free memories grey rock your family because I can see several outcomes here

You kick off they feel "forced" to invite you and you pay for it emotionally from their ongoing behaviour (no way will they let you holiday unscathed)

You ignore it and they again "force" themselves to invite you and again make you pay emotionally

You ignore they "force" themselves to invite you and you say I'm sorry I'm on holiday with dh and the baby this year but you have a great time they go into meltdown and you IGNORE IT yes it will feel odd but it's your best chance of detaching yourself from this mess before it affects your child

MotherOfHouseplants · 02/03/2023 11:09

I remember your posts, OP. Your family are horrible and I think it's a blessing in disguise that you can back away from these holidays. Focus on your nuclear unit and engage with your family on your terms.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/03/2023 11:09

RattlewhenIwalk · 02/03/2023 09:25

A lucky escape really. Although, I do understand why you're hurt.

This!

You sound well out of it - but it would have been nice if they'd asked you.

I'd just wish them a lovely time and book yourselves somewhere. How does your DH feel about this?

Meandfour · 02/03/2023 11:09

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:30

Either my OP was unclear or you’ve misread it. I didn’t ask them to change anything, I said I couldn’t go and they kept demanding I go. When DH put his foot down and said we weren’t going, they ignored me for months and then all said they never wanted to go in the first place.

Show quote history

DH our his foot down and said you weren’t going to I assume that’s why they’ve booked without you.