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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from family holiday

194 replies

Hollibobbs · 02/03/2023 09:22

I posted about this situation about a year ago but can’t find the post now. Basically, there are four siblings and we always went on holiday to the same location abroad every year when we were children. In 2020, we booked to go with our own DCs (so, my parents, my siblings, SILs, BIL, DH, my DCs and DNs) but it was cancelled because of Covid and again in 2021. I had a baby due in August 2022 but, in our family group chat, I wasn’t allowed to mention the pregnancy because DBro and SIL were TTC at the time. So, there were discussions about the holiday going on and when I would say we can’t make it and we’ve got plans etc, I was pretty much ignored and plans continued to be made without our consent. I then messaged my DM outside of the group chat and said that the baby will either be too young for a passport or I’ll be too pregnant to travel abroad. DM responded that I could get a passport on the day and then, on a different occasion, DBro and SIL (not the ones TTC, the other DBro) suggested I have a ELCS to time in dates. I said I couldn’t get a passport without the birth certificate and it would take weeks to get that. At that point, DM booked a holiday in the UK, but about 5-6 hours drive from where we live for two days after my due date. I posted on here and took your advice - DH messaged the group chat, mentioned the pregnancy and said that because of the dates being what they are and because it’s a high-risk pregnancy, we wouldn’t be going. At that point, I was ignored by my brother and sister for a while (pretty much up until the baby arrived early) and there ended up being quite a bit blow out at the end where DM said she didn’t really want to go on the holiday but DBro and DSis did, DSis said she didn’t really want to go but DM and DBro did and DBro said that he didn’t really want to go but DM and DSis did. It was all chalked up to a bit of a misunderstanding where everyone seemed to think they were acting to facilitate what someone else wanted (except, obviously no one thought to consider me).

Now, this summer is coming up and I’ve just been informed that they’ve booked the holiday but I’m not invited. I’m obviously upset by that and feel as thought I’m punished for not agreeing to go last year. On the other hand, they’re entitled to book whatever holiday they like with whoever they want to go with.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
rogueone · 02/03/2023 12:16

I remember your previous post and your family were a disgrace. They have treated you poorly and I would suggest you think about getting some help for your self so you can move forward. These people spoilt your pregnancy with there ridiculous demands and ignored the fact you were high risk and didn't care that you were in hospital. Don't surround yourself with people who don't care about you. Time for you to create your new memories with your baby and DH.

Mari9999 · 02/03/2023 12:17

This whole experience should have been liberating for all of you . Now it seems that you all realize that you can schedule travel whenever you want and with whom you want. This is a healthy outcome even though it resulted from a great deal of unhealthy dysfunction.

In terms of the mentioning the pregnancy, assuming that they all knew that you were pregnant, why would there have been any need to mention it at all? Asking you not to mention it may have resulted from good intentions, but it was a fairly juvenile effort at best.

Your description of the whole fiasco suggests that your family might well benefit from some time apart vacations

Lobelia123 · 02/03/2023 12:19

I realise Im being petty, but if I were you Id see them off on their holiday with the utmost cheerfulness and good wishes. Confuse the hell out of them as theyre expecting you to be devastated / bleak / stunned / crying buckets at not being with them. Then go off on your own wonderful holiday, posting lots of Instagram worthy pics and images of all the great times, smiles and experiences and commenting on how amazing it is and how youre having the best time. The best revenge is living well. Then next year, quietly invite the ones you actually like to join you, and leave the mean spiteful scheming ones out. Petty, I know, but I cant stand this kind of nasty powerplaying and excluding people in families - utterly toxic. Drop the rope and show them that you are fabulous and indepenent without them and their dysfunctional set up. And you are!!

macbooks · 02/03/2023 12:19

Who cares? Just book your own separate holiday. Going on holiday every year with all these people sounds like torture. It’s not “nice” when family don’t like you, but you have to be an adult and get on with your life & role model good behaviour to your own kids etc.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/03/2023 12:22

I remember your thread from last year. The family dynamic is unlike anything I have encountered.

I see this as an opportunity to remove yourselves from the tangled web that the other members of the family have woven and to start new family traditions.

My advice would be to put out a message (however you manage to do that and on what medium is entirely up to you) saying that

  • you're not going to apologise for not going last year as you were heavily pregnant, the pregnancy was high risk and you were taking the advice of medical professionals at the time.
  • you're very disappointed to have been excluded from the holiday this year but you think it's for the best and going forwards, you and your DH and your children will be making your own holiday arrangements
  • if the above causes anyone offence, for that you apologise
  • you wanted to set the record straight and at the same time wipe the slate clean (love a good metaphor so I do) so that there are no hard feelings.
  • You want to wish them all well and hope they have a wonderful holiday wherever they are off to together.

Then back away and don't get sucked into any further discussions around holidays unless you are the person doing the inviting and it's under your terms and conditions (and I can't see that happening anytime soon)

EL8888 · 02/03/2023 12:24

I remember your original post, your family were being a nightmare! I am especially tickled by the ELCS date suggestion. It’s a medical procedure, not a process to fit babies around holidays! Who wants to go on holiday straight after giving birth anyway?!

I would query why you haven’t been invited in a public way e.g. on family chat or face to face at a family gathering. I have family members who like to re-write history. Or for ever more l bet someone will say “Holli didn’t want to go, it’s not that she wasn’t invited”. The dynamic sounds hellish so l think you’re best off out of it

AliceOlive · 02/03/2023 12:29

I remember your posts and it was all much worse than you have recounted. You couldn’t even mention your pregnancy and it was both your mom and your sister. They are cruel and gaslighting.

They treat you very poorly. I think you should be relieved that you aren’t being asked to go along.

CaveMum · 02/03/2023 12:29

DelphiniumBlue · 02/03/2023 12:04

Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but are you saying you didn't explain that the reason that you couldn't go on the holiday was because you were pregnant and it was too close to due date?
Or that despite DSis telling you not to mention the pregnancy, you did because you needed to explain the arrangements?
Or is that everyone else except the ones TTC knew you were pregnant, but they were kept in the dark and so didn't know why you were being 'difficult' about dates?
How did you explain the existence of a newborn baby, or don't they know about her yet? Are they upset that you kept the truth from them? And why didn't you tell DS to mind her own business?

From memory of the last thread, the family (inc the couple TTC) were all aware that OP was pregnant but that she was not allowed to talk about her pregnancy or how it was going/how she was feeling in case it upset the TTC couple.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/03/2023 12:30

I wouldn’t worry about it, let them crack on, you do what you want. I would now carry this forward with everything, and if DM gets upset just keep reminding her that she chose to go away with everyone but you, so you understand your position in the family now

then when DM needs help point her in the directions of the siblings.

EL8888 · 02/03/2023 12:30

CaveMum · 02/03/2023 12:29

From memory of the last thread, the family (inc the couple TTC) were all aware that OP was pregnant but that she was not allowed to talk about her pregnancy or how it was going/how she was feeling in case it upset the TTC couple.

Show quote history

This is the way l remember it

TedMullins · 02/03/2023 12:36

Not being allowed to mention the pregnancy is insane. No normal loving family member would say that. Are you the same poster whose mother expected you to drive for hours with a new baby and made demands of you while being accommodating with your other siblings? If that’s you, there were loads of other occasions where your whole family treated you appallingly and you were advised to get therapy to see how fucked up the dynamic is. If I were you I’d be cutting off the lot of them, not worrying about why I hadn’t been invited on holiday with the cunts.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/03/2023 12:36

EL8888 · 02/03/2023 12:30

This is the way l remember it

Show quote history

Then they all sound bonkers, and you'll have a much more relaxing time without them on your own holiday.
I agree with the PP who suggested that you make it clear to all of them that you were not invited, but that you're not bothered for the reasons listed. And keep your distance in future.

Eddielizzard · 02/03/2023 12:41

I remember your last thread, sad to see they're still carrying on. I think the best option is to go lc, as this toxic situation is untenable for you. You have to protect yourself, and now your own family. Their treatment of you is absolutely shocking.

mrstreacle · 02/03/2023 12:46

TedMullins · 02/03/2023 12:36

Not being allowed to mention the pregnancy is insane. No normal loving family member would say that. Are you the same poster whose mother expected you to drive for hours with a new baby and made demands of you while being accommodating with your other siblings? If that’s you, there were loads of other occasions where your whole family treated you appallingly and you were advised to get therapy to see how fucked up the dynamic is. If I were you I’d be cutting off the lot of them, not worrying about why I hadn’t been invited on holiday with the cunts.

I'm pretty sure it's the same one, and if it was me I'd be rejoicing that I hadn't been invited

ReliantRobyn · 02/03/2023 12:48

You'll just have to play them at their own game . Book for your family to stay opposite them but then ignore them the whole holiday. Pretend you only speak Portuguese.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 02/03/2023 12:52

OMG - I remember your first thread! Why are you not NC with this horrible lot yet?! You should be relieved they’re going without you and you can avoid the drama. Seriously, I believe you were given a huge amount of advice last time which came down to get some therapy and stop facilitating your family in treating you like shit. Please, please do something for yourself this time💐

YellowDaffodillie · 02/03/2023 12:52

I think YABU not to be relieved that you don’t have to find an excuse not to go on holiday with them anymore.

You’re a grown up independent adult with a family of your own now, not a ten yr old. Why on earth would you want to go back to being a kid again holidaying with siblings and parents?

At what stage will you break free? Will all the grandchildren be expected to holiday together when they grow up too? 😳

I think your family dynamic is unhealthy and suffocating. I love my siblings but after about 3 days, I’ve had enough of them because I’m the youngest and still get treated that way. Feck that!

Serrassi · 02/03/2023 12:53

Wow.

They’ve treated you really badly, both last year and this year.

Booking the holiday without telling you feels like a petty revenge and also a cry for attention (“Watch, now she’ll complain she wasn’t invited and beg to be included haha.”)

I suppose there’s a slim slim chance they misunderstood and think you just don’t want a family holiday but that seems unlikely.

If they’r this unpleasant it sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape! Go do something more fun and count youraelf lucky you aren’t there - sorry your family are so unkind.

Arebella · 02/03/2023 12:56

You say they continued to plan without your consent. That screams drama to me. Have they read it the same way? No one needs your consent to book a holiday. You said you couldn't go, that's that. Or am I reading it wrong?

Bournetilly · 02/03/2023 12:57

YANBU to be upset.
Why don’t you ask in the group chat why you are not invited?

Personally I wouldn’t want to go, it’s absolutely ridiculous that you weren’t allowed to mention the pregnancy in the chat and then got ignored for it. Your family sound childish.

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 12:57

Every member of this family has a whiff of the unhinged about them.

this poor baby and indeed any children involved in this circus of a family

Chickenly · 02/03/2023 13:00

Arebella · 02/03/2023 12:56

You say they continued to plan without your consent. That screams drama to me. Have they read it the same way? No one needs your consent to book a holiday. You said you couldn't go, that's that. Or am I reading it wrong?

They need her consent for her to go on the holiday. They ignored her saying she couldn’t go and continued to organise it with her coming.

whowhatwerewhy · 02/03/2023 13:02

Why would you even want to go ? Lucky escape

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 02/03/2023 13:05

Your family sounds nuts.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/03/2023 13:07

This is really shitty of them. I saw some spiel on a FB reel recently that gave a whole new take on being the black sheep of the family. I'm the black sheep, despite being conventionally much more successful than dsis. She agrees with everything my occasionally deluded DM says though, and I don't, so that might be it! Sounds like it might ring some bells for you? The new take was very uplifting actually, I'll see if I can post it somewhere, for you, and/or others who would benefit from it Flowers