To feel stressed at being left behind our friendship group

[Feelinadequate23]

DH and I are part of a really close friendship group from uni (where we met). We are all mid-thirties now so have been friends for 15 or so years and we spend a fair amount of time with this group.

At uni we all felt on the same level financially as we all had part time jobs but also all had some financial support from our parents. Then in our twenties we still felt pretty similar, as we all got professional jobs, rented for a bit and then bought 2 bed places with our other halves. DH and I bought in the cheapest place out of the group but we had a nice garden and were near a really fun pub we all used to hang out at, so we didn’t feel like the poor relations, even though we were in the least desirable area.

Then suddenly around the age of 30, it was like everyone else in the friendship group catapulted into a financial level above us out of nowhere. We all got married and had kids so people started moving out of starter homes into family homes. DH and I just upgraded to a 3 bed semi in the same area we were in, whereas everyone else bought really big houses with 4/5 bedrooms, 2/3 bathrooms and an extra study, all in very fancy areas. They’re now all suddenly talking about sending their kids to private primary school, whereas we hadn’t even considered doing that.

It’s starting to get us down as when we meet up it’s like they’re all speaking a different language to us (discussing which room to give to their nanny!) and their ideas of what’s normal are just so different to ours now. We suggested doing a group holiday with kids and were about to suggest a uk holiday cottage type trip, but somehow the conversation turned into them all planning a ski trip, which would mean we couldn’t afford any other trips that year.

The annoying thing is, we’re pretty sure we earn the most out of all the couples, so this money must be coming from their parents - I suspect they were all given hefty deposits and they also all get free holidays with family each year. It’s making us feel really inadequate and also like we can’t hang out with them so much anymore as we can’t join in a lot of the conversations and can’t afford to do some of the things they suggest. It’s very depressing when we work in stressful long hour corporate jobs and they all do nice 9-5s, working in charities and PR firms. But these are our closest friends so we don’t want to lose them.

Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU?

Well, comparison is the thief of joy but also it genuinely sounds like they do actually out-earn you and DH. I’d be surprised if all
of their parents are financing their houses, holidays and children’s education.

Maybe there is more to be earned in 9-5 jobs than you think.

"Considering taking on even more stressful jobs to try to keep up with their lifestyle (which to be fair is very nice and we would love to be able to live like that). AWBU"

<snort>

Honestly?

I’ve no answer op - this happened to me and it’s shit always being (and feeling like) the poor relation. Saying ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ doesn’t help.

Well yes, if you want more than you currently have, you should get a better paying job.
Might not resolve the jealousy you feel towards your friends who are already doing better than you though.

If you are real friends it really shouldn’t matter
And things can change
Am in mid 50s and some of my friends who were hard up when we were all in our 20s are now doing very well,and vice versa

sorry can't really give any advice but it seems unusual that all of this tight knit group of friends apart from you have such rich and generous parents but that this didn't become apparent until recently. You must understand that to have 5 bed houses in nice areas at the age of 30, be thinking of private school (especially from primary) and to have a nanny, that's not just upper end of average! They must be in the top 3-5% of wealth (at least!) in the country so not just a case of having a few quid bunged their way by parents but compared to the vast majority, some really significant background wealth.
It just seems strange that you and DH were the only ones from 'normal' backgrounds and happened to get together whereas ALL the other friends were secretly rich?

Usually with longstanding friendship groups they've all come from roughly the same set or (particularly with friends made at uni) there's a wide discrepancy, which makes it easier when you all have different incomes/jobs/are at different life stages so you can compare down and horizontally rather than just 'up'.
Whereas if everyone else is on one level it's understandable it feels unfair that you're the only ones not there, through no fault of your own. If you compared yourself to the national average you're probably much better off than most, you just happen to have a bizarrely rich friend group!

Well you may be surprised by the earnings however family wealth makes a huge difference.

I live in SW London, I grew up here when it was less desirable & much cheaper. I was astonished when I got to know my neighbours & school mum friends & saw how much help they had. Private school fees paid for, 200k to help move up the ladder, 100k gift for renovations etc. people don't really talk about it, it's only because I'm friends with some of them that I now know it's a reality for many.

im with you OP, all my uni friends are lovely but all came from wealthy families and went to private school except me. Despite me climbing the ladder and getting a highly regarded professional job, they all live in huge lovely houses and women tend not to work or do pleasant easy jobs (aka effectively hobbies). Their wealth has come from their parents, helping them out on the ladder with first flat etc, which they now make rent from, marrying well and their kids all go to private school - ours don’t. Seems like it’s come full circle. It makes it awkward when we meet as they have expensive tastes which we just can’t meet. Bit gutting.

Ime the gulf only became noticeable once people started to buy houses, have dc.

It’s very unusual for a group of people to follow such a consistent pattern of activity, I think that’s the odd part not that you now feel things are unequal. We have friends of more than 20 years with much more money and much less. Friends who own huge houses and others who rent above shops. Friends who holiday abroad many times a year, others who are lucky if they can afford a weekend camping. Love them all the same, can talk to them about anything.

Why are you so insecure? Isn’t there more to these friendships than stuff and houses and holidays?

Are they judging you for not being able to go skiing? As much as you’re judging them for having what you think are cushy jobs and possible parental help…?

If these relationships are suffering it’s due to your materialism, resentment and blatant envy.

It’s unlikely you are the highest earner.
Most people in their 30s with kids are not having their entire lifestyle funded by their parents. Even if they were given a deposit they still need to pay the mortgage, the bills, the childcare etc.

Are you really that close of you’re considering ending several 15 year friendships because they have more money than you?

Also if you were in London & helped onto the ladder a decade or so ago in your early 20s you will have made a fortune.

Yes, YABU to be so bothered about it. I say this as the least privileged person in my friendship group, many friends had much nicer flats/houses bought for them or hefty help towards them from family while the extent of parental help I’ve had is a hundred quid from my mum when I was deep in my overdraft.

My parents are poor. I’ve bought a tiny flat that I saved up for and bought alone. I never did the extensive gap yah travelling that many of my friends did, I’ll probably never be able to afford to live in the nice areas of London they do, I’ve never been skiing. But you know what? I’m proud of what I’ve achieved financially on my own. I’m grateful for what I’ve got, which is a lot more than many people. My friends also don’t rub their privilege in my face or judge me for being from a working class background or not being able to afford the same houses or holidays. Is this insecurity coming from you or are your friends actually judging you?

Most people in their 30s with kids are not having their entire lifestyle funded by their parents. Even if they were given a deposit they still need to pay the mortgage, the bills, the childcare etc.

It's not about having your entire life funded but any help makes a difference. DH got a 6 figure gift to help us buy which made buying possible in the first place & a better LTV. My parents helped with childcare & help pay for it which has a big impact on disposable income.

@droneyg yes, that’s it, nobody talks about it! I think we’d find it easier if they talked about how lucky they were to have this help but they just announce private school as if it’s a given for a couple working completely normal jobs (one for example is a state school primary teacher, another has a fundraising role for a small charity). So then you almost feel the need to explain/justify why you Cant afford all these things, rather than them explaining how on earth they can!

This makes you sound materialistic, insecure and competitive. Do you really want to be the person always checking anxiously whether other people got a bigger slice of cake than you did? Honestly, OP, aren’t these longterm friends worth more to you than their net worth? Real friendships can encompass difference — I have friends with a lot of money, and friends who scrape by.

I find it strange that the finances makes such a different, I am wealthier than some of my friends and some are wealthier than me, it's not a factor at all. Maybe you've drifted apart in general and this is why that seems like a factor? I'd probably focus my time and energy on people I had more in common with, I definitely wouldn't change my lifestyle just to "keep up"

My and DH’s grandparents all lived in council houses they didn’t own. Our parents own their own modest homes. When our grandparents passed away there was no inheritance for our parents or us (obviously I don’t mind we were just terribly sad :( ), when my friends grandparents passed away she inherited £150k and paid off large part of her mortgage. It’s a huge amount of money me does suddenly create quite a different standard of living.
I think you should advocate for yourself a bit more (like in friends when they fall out over a meal/concert!). Just say a ski trip would be quite a stretch and could you join them for something different? I’m going glamping with mum friends and DC’s in summer and it’s a lot of fun.

It is rubbish and believe me, a lot of it is just luck. I always try not to compare and ask if I’m happy in my little world with DC’s and the answer is yes!

After 40 years l still belong to a friendship group from college. We couldn't care less about their money/ houses/ private schools etc. We do have a bigger house due to my dh started out in a better paid job but he got sick later and our finances completely changed. Some got inheritances, some got redundancy but it has never once impacted our friendship. We are all older now and some are doing a lot of quite exotic travelling and we're not but it doesn't even arise as an issue.
It seems strange they are all talking such rubbish about studies, nanny's etc. Maybe you have outgrown them but if they are real friends the bond should be there.
And definitely do not get another job to compete..just be yourselves,

This makes you sound materialistic, insecure and competitive. Do you really want to be the person always checking anxiously whether other people got a bigger slice of cake than you did? Honestly, OP, aren’t these longterm friends worth more to you than their net worth? Real friendships can encompass difference — I have friends with a lot of money, and friends who scrape by.

I think that's far too simplistic. It's about realising that want you earn isn't actually always as important as family help. It's about the bigger picture.

I also think age makes a difference as I don't know anyone who got on the ladder without some form of help because of prices. Obviously people who don't have help will find it much harder.

You're not unreasonable to feel left behind and somewhat left out, but you would be unreasonable to feel you can't be friends with them from now on.

I live in a house. One of my friends lives in a van. Another lives in a house and has a second home AND an investment flat and frequent ski trips abroad etc. All my other friends are somewhere in between. Don't care where they live: I love them for who they are.

@warmlights yes, don’t get me started on them keeping their original flats and renting them out! That was another thing that wasn’t mentioned, and then you slowly realise it when they say they’re just popping back to that area to check on things and what they mean is check on the tenants… Of course we assumed everyone would sell their first home to buy their second but there appears to be an unwritten pathway on this that we weren’t told about. The wealth just escalates and escalates!

Private primary school isn’t always that expensive compared to nursery school fees though. When my DD left nursery after going 2 days a week, it was the same price as private school that was 5 days a week. It wasn’t like for like - didn’t include food or wrap around care. Just an example though. Gets more expensive as you go further through the school.

The wealth just escalates and escalates!

yep during lockdown I know 3 people who bought a holiday cottage or a BTL & we are unusual in our circle to only have 1 home.